It's A Mom Thing

I've had the funk....for a week now.  It's got my asthma in an uproar and I can't stop coughing.  I mean, it's summer...so why do I have to be sick? 

Ok, now that I have my bitching out of the way I can talk about my week.  First, Jason is done with school.  My baby boy has finished High School.  I don't even know where the time has gone....the last 10 years have just flown by.  I say 10 years because I've been with Scott for 10 1/2 years and it has flown by.  How great is it to be in a relationship that still feels new after 10 years?  We still like each other.  It's an amazing feeling.

Back to Jason, he's almost 18 and the last 10 years really have flown by.  He was just a little kid and now he's all grown up and I'm wondering when it all happened.  He gets mad at me for telling him to drive careful and to call me when he's done working.  We were camping last weekend and Jason stayed home because he had to work.  He had a fit because I told him to make sure he locked the door before he went to sleep.  We'd picked up Bailey so I knew he was in the house by himself.  When Bailey was here I knew there wouldn't be a problem, she's not going to let anyone into the house.  Period.

Well, Jason got pissed off at that and told me I didn't have to tell him to lock the doors, and that he's a responsible 17 year old.  Well, I've been thinking alot about that.  He's right, he is responsible....for the most part.  He can't remember to feed the dog, but he's generally responsible.  With the help of the therapist I've been talking with I discovered that my saying that to him was purely for me.  Alot of my anxiety over him being done with high school and his graduation is about me really, not him.  I know he can take care of himself and I know that he's responsible enough to lock the doors at night.   All of my anxiety is about me.  It's a mom thing.

I never thought about it before, but there are two types of moms.  The first type if the kind of mom that I am.  I am freaking out about Jason growing up and moving out.  I feel like I'm losing my child and I can't stand it.  It's breaking my heart.  Then there is the 2nd type of mom, who feels like she has raised her child to take care of himself and when he's done with school.....it's time to boot him out of the nest.  My mom was this way with me.  I'm not saying it's bad, it's just different from what I'm experiencing.  I'm obviously the first type of mom.  I've been working myself into a frenzy about graduation since last summer.  I'll bet if you look back over my old posts, I'm crying about it last summer and fall.  Seriously.

So, it's not like I can stop my kids from growing up.  As parents, its our job to raise our kids to be decent grown ups who can take care of themselves and be responsible, honest, and caring ndividuals.  We raise our kids so that they CAN go out on their own and survive.  Well, that's what Scott and I have done....but I'm not ready to let go yet.  Jason doesn't get it.   If he could afford it, he would probably move out this summer.  I dont' even want to think about that.  My brain can't even process that right now.  So, I'm not going to think about it. 

I think I'm probably being a normal mom.  I'm so happy for what Jason has accomplished.  He's worked for 13 years for this graduation.  I'm very proud of him.  It's just freaking me out.

I was thinking yesterday about when I was Jason's age.  I was also 17 when I graduated and when I was done with High School, I just didn't really think anything of it.  I was excited about being done with school.  I didn't think about whether or not it was freaking my mom out.  I actually remember feeling a little bored.  We got out a couple weeks before the rest of the kids and my parents were at work, so I would get up in the morning and be home by myself.  I was bored.  I know Jason doesnt' feel that way.  He's been running around with Nick and having fun....and working too. 

I'm sure Jason thinks I'm crazy because I've been so upset.  He doesn't know what it's like to be a mom with a 17 year old son, lol.  Well, graduation is Sunday and I'n sure I'll be crying my eyes out.  I'll try really hard to stay composed, but I know myself well enough to know that I'll be sobbing my eyes out.