I'm Done Bitching!

WOW!  My last two posts were definitely from a grumpy, frustrated, and bitter woman!  Well, I'm over it.  Jason's party turned out just fine.  Everything got done, with the help of Jason and Nick, my mom, and Scott too.  We had a great party, tons of good food, and all is right with the world!

When I first signed into my page I read the bottom part of my last post.  I was just being a bitch.  Bottom line!  I had so much to do, I was tired, and I've been feeling neglected so I just cut loose...in print.  Well, I told you right from the beginning that this is my therapy.  And, the bitching, it made me feel better.  And things are fine with Scott.  With his work schedule, I hardly see him and I slowly get pissed off about it.  What can I say?  I want the overtime, and I want to see my husband.  I want my cake, and I want to eat it too. 

It's funny because I'm sitting here at work, and I feel good today.  I don't have one single thing to bitch about today.  I woke up and the sun was shining.  The temp is going to be about 73 degrees, so it's not humid or screaming hot like it's been since the beginning of May.  It's a holiday weekend. 

Scott came up with a great idea for 4th of July.  He wants to take the kids someplace to see fireworks over the water.  So, he and Jourdan were brainstorming when I got home from work last night.  They decided we should drive up north to St. Ignace, and watch the fireworks in Mackinaw City.  Sounds like fun.  Have you ever been to St. Ignace to see the beauty of the Mackinaw Bridge?  Hold on, I'll see if I can find a picture of it.

Ok, theres night and day photo's.  Beth, it's 5 miles long....FYI.  Well, I have the best memories from my childhood in St. Ignace.  We went up camping almost every year and stayed at the Straits State Park.  If you don't know...it's right on the beach next to the Bridge. 

So, the thought of going up north is quite appealing to me.  I would totally love to go and take the kids.  I started looking at hotel prices, and it's $205 for a Suite at a nice hotel.  WOW!  Can you believe that?  For one night.  And it's a 4 hour drive, so I don't know.  The kids want to go worse than bad.  Actually, so do I because it's my favorite place to go.  After some research I found a Comfort Inn on the beach for $129 a night.  The kids are going to be so excited.  I feel bad though because Jason is going to work on Saturday so he won't be able to go.

I guess that's part of growing up, huh?  I remember my last family vacation that I took with my parents and my sisters.  It was the summer after I graduated and we went to Niagara Falls, then headed north through Canada to Sault Ste. Marie....came back into the U.S. and into St. Ignace.  I remember it was alot of driving!

Anyhow, we have our hotel now.  We'll be able to take the kids to see fireworks over Lake Huron!  That'll be cool.  I've never been up north during 4th of July.  We usually go at the end of July or beginning of August.  I'm sure the kids are going to have a blast!  I'm hoping they have the same great memories I have from my childhood taking vacations in St. Ignace.

Rejection: Part 2

I think I need to write a little more about my post from yesterday.  And the topic of the day.....Rejection!

Before I starting typing tonight, I read my post from last night.  I was pretty pissed.  I can go back to my earliest of memories and tell you times that I have felt rejection.  It's sitting right there in the middle of my childhood memories, it screams at the top of it's lungs in the memories of my first marriage, and it's just sitting here nagging me in my marriage with Scott.

Scott is a great guy.  I love him more than I can say.  I keep thinking to myself that I want to live to be really really old because I want to spend as much time of my life with him as possible.  We've been together for over 10 years and we still like each other.  We enjoy spending time together.  There's alot to be said about a relationship where two people still enjoy each other's company and love each other after 10 years.

With that said, I think Scott has grown a little bit complacent in our relationship.  He forgets sometimes that I take things really personally, and that there are actually two people in this marriage.  I'm sorry, but you have to work at a marriage.  If you don't, well then you are living a lie!

I was having a bad day yesterday.  A seriously shitty day.  I had an emotional day and I was upset with my son and with my sister.  When I'm upset or pissed off, my mind goes into overdrive!  And when I was sitting in my livingroom feeling my worst, I had nobody to turn to.  Do you know how that feels?  You feel lousy, you're upset, you are pissed off.....and you have nobody that you can call and talk to about it.  I barely tried to talk to my mom....just a little....and she stopped me cold.  I was really pissed at Jason and she just stopped me cold.  Some people have parents who are always sticking their noses in, but my parents act like I live in a foreign country.  (There is some of that bittnerness creaping in again.)

So Beth gave me some advice, to talk to Scott once I had calmed down.  And I did, today.  Well, he said he was sorry and he understood how I felt.  We had to run to Meijer to get a few things for Jason's open house and for dinner.  We got home, he ate and then went straight to the shower and was in bed before 7:30pm.  So, and so true to form, my talk today did absolutely NOTHING!  I didn't have the chance to talk to him about our agenda for the weekend.  Hre has a golf outting for work tomorrow and I have no idea how long he'll be gone.

I need to go to Costco and get cakes for the open house, I have to prepare and get 70 pounds of pork into the smoker.  I also have to pre-cook over 20 pounds of wings so they can go into marinade to be grilled Sunday morning.  The entire yard needs to be mowed and trimmed.  There are 4 or 5 loads of stuff to go to Goodwill and the pole barn needs to be cleaned.  We also need to set up tables and get a few odds and ends from the grocery store.  I'm going to fit all of this in....when?  Because I have no idea what Scott's schedule it. 

Well, the bittnerness is growing day by day! I dont' know what the hell his problem is.  We'll have it out tomorrow.  The bitch of it is, the longer I brew the worse it is....for both of us.

Rejection Sucks!

I've been thinking alot about rejection lately.  I know, this is an odd topic.  Well, I've been thinking alot about it.  Rejection can come in many different forms.  Some are bad, and some are REALLY bad.

I don't deal with rejection very well.  Rejection leads to self-doubt and loss of trust.  Well, that's how I see it.  Let's see if I can get this out there without being too graphic.  You can tell me if I'm over-reacting or if I really am being rejected.

First of all, Scott works way too many hours.  (See where I'm going with this?)  I'm thinking this is going to be what I need to talk about at therapy next week.  Anyhow, Scott is working 60+ hours a week over a 6 day period.  He get's up anywhere between 3am and 4 am to work at least 10 hours.  When he gets home, he groes straight to the recliner....for what he calls his power nap.  The power nap that lasts until dinner.  After dinner, he showers and goes to bed usually 7:30 - 8:00 ish!

Then, it takes him about 5 minutes to be completely out!  Here's my beef.  I'm starting to get really, REALLY bitter about his schedule.  We don't have time for a conversation, to talk about work, the kids, the rare weekend plans, and especially not sex.  Hmmmm, sex, I think I remember what that is.

Maybe it's just gotten worse since the kids got out of school.  During the school year, they are typically in bed between7:30 and 8:30 at night.  Sometimes, and I say SOMETIMES Scott can stay awake long enough to have a 2 or 3 minute converstaion with me before he falls asleep.

I'm really starting to get pissed off about it.  He can stay up late to watch some stupid movie.  He can stay up late if he thinks he's going to get a blow job!  Why can't he make a little effort for some conversation and a date with his wife?

So what's your take?  Am I being rejected?  It sure as hell feels like it. 

Let me go back to this morning.  I woke up before 7am to a text from Jourdan saying that she had left her money in her suitcase and it was under the bus.  They weren't allowed to get into their stuff under the buss until they arrive back in Lowell tomorrow morning.  This means no money for food or goodies today at Hershey Park.  And, no money for breakfast tomorrow morning on their way home. WTF!  What can I do about it here in Michigan?

This really upset me, because she talked to her chaperone and they didn't give a shit.  Figures.  She was really upset and so was I.  I didn't know if she really left it in there, or if she lost it.  So, I was freaking out.  I was sooo tired from not sleeping well las night and that's what I woke up to.

After bickering with her for about and hour, the kids are up and around and I start looking around the house.  My house is a filthy, messy, cluttered, pit.  I am a freaking maid for 6 people and a dog.  Period!  I started to clean right away.  Laundry to basement, picking up the mounds of toys and blankets the kids had out.  After an hour of that I was ready to vacuum. 

So I leave one room to go to the next, and the kids are right there to destroy it.  I even painted my bathroom today.  It was looking grungy and Jason's open house is Sunday so I can't have it looking like that.  Anyhow, I come out of the bathroom and there are cookies crumbled all over the carpet, blankets and toys.  That was it, it pushed me over the edge.

I turned into the Nazi Mom.  I couldn't stop myself, I was just yelling and ranting and raving at my kids.  I didn't even know why I started out so cranky.  Maybe worrying about Jourdan, worrying about the party, getting the house in order....I dont' know.  So I called Scott, he always makes me feel better.

Well, I just had a bad day.  Seriously!  Scott got home from work and all I wanted was to sit down and talk to him about what happened today.  I sat here for over 2 hours just crying my eyes out, feeling stressed and full of anxiety, and waiting for Scott.  He's the only person I can talk to.  I can't talk to my mom.  That's a joke!  I even called her to talk to her about getting some tables fo rthe party, she asked me what was wrong and I couldn't even talk to her about it.  Soon as I brought up one particular topic, she shut me right down.

I have nobody to turn to.  So, my mom rejected me over the phone today...right in the middle of my melt-down.  I know I didn't get into this part, but Jason had done the same thing right before I got on the phone with her.  I actually screamed at him and told him to get out of the house because I didn't want him here.  Guess I'm guilty of rejection myself when I'm being unreasonable.

Finally, after a big anxiety attack and plenty of sobbing, Scott get's home.  He talked me into going with him to his Doctor appt for his allergy re-check.  Then, we went out to dinner.  Well, I felt like hell.  I'd actually gotten so bad that I took two of my anti-anxiety pills.  I haven't taken anything in MONTHs and that's how bad my day was.

We got the kids from my parents, came home, and he sits in the house while Jason and I start working on the pole barn.  I know, he's tired.  Seriously, I don't blame him.  But I come in and get into the shower with the intention of hurrying into bed so I could actually talk to Scott.  Really, bedtime is the only time that Scott and I can really just talk to each other, without kids sitting between us or fighting with each other.

I try to tell hin how I'm feeling.  I tell him that I miss him and I'm wondering why he doesn't want anything to do with me.  He gets pissed and tells me to turn off my computer, go to sleep, so I can get up tomorrow in a better mood.  Why is it that he can accuse me of being in a lousy mood when he's the one whos blowing me of?  It really pisses me off.

Would it kill hin to make an effort to stay up a couple nights a week to actually have a conversation with his wife, and maybe some hanky panky?  I'm fucking pissed right now.  I HATE being rejected when it's so far and few between.  Boy he could be in a dead sleep and all I'd have to do is whisper, "blow job' in his ear and he'd be wide awake!  I'm good enough for that, but not for sex?  WTF?

I'm sick of being rejected.  I just don't know what to do about it.  I'm so pissed tonight I start throwing out all kids of crap.  "Why don't you like doing it with me?"  "Do you want to be with someone else?"  "Is there someone else?"  Ya know, stuff like that.  That's when I got the lecture.  I had such a shitty day.  Seriously.  I called him during the day because I know I can count on him to make me feel better.  Sometimes, I need hin to lean on when i'm having a bad day.  Doesn't happen very often anymore, but today was one of them.  His response?  "You've been bitching ALL day long and I'm sick of it." 

Thanks alot!  Isn't this what people do for each other in relationships?  He does plenty of his own bitching.  Well, like I said, I'm just cranky and now i'm pissed off too!  Any ideas on what to do with him?  I'm sick of being rejected by my own husband.

The Happy Medium

I just posted a few thoughts and then I happened to look at my post after it posted.....follow that so far?  It occurred to me just how much kids have today.  I mean, really, my kids have the world by it's ass.  They aren't super spoiled, but they have it pretty damn easy.

Here's a rundown for you.  Jason has a truck, that Scott and I paid for.  He does pay for most of his insurance and his own gas but he's got a decent job.  (That he got because I work there.)  He has a verizon cell phone, which we pay for.  It has unlimted Verizon to Verizon and unlimited text messaging.

I leave a list of chores for the kids on the days that I work.  Most of the time, sometimes I forget.  And if Jason is working the same day, he doesn't have to do additional chores.  He is always responsible for feeding and watering the dog...that's it.  Not a big deal.

Jourdan, well she doesn't have it so bad.  Her chore (or household contribution, as Beth calls it) is to empty the dishwasher.  That's it. 

When I leave a list it's easy stuff....like take the laundry downstairs to the laundry room, vac the livingroom or sweep the kitchen floor.  It's not hard manual labor, that's for sure. 

The kids all have Dish Network in their rooms as well as DVD players.  They have a family room to themselves downstairs...which they don't use.  There is also a HP desktop computer down there with a nice HP Officejet.  They also have a Gateway laptop that has wireless internet and wireless connection to the internet.

However, ask one of them to take out the garbage and it's like pulling teeth.  I just don't get why kids think that they just deserve all these great things?  I didn't have a TV in my room when I was growing up.  I didn't have a phone in my room, let alone a cell phone.  And a computer, what the hell would a teenager need a computer for back when I was a kid.  I had a small transistor radio and a record player.  Period.

Kids just have it too damn good today.  Don't get me wrong, I want better for my kids than I had as a kid.  I think that's normal.  Parent's want better for their kids.  I just don't think that they always appreciate the better things they have. 

It's funny because I remember a really bad argument that I had with Paul not so long ago.  I can't even remember what we were fighting about...we were on the phone and I remember him telling me, "you just want things to be better for your kids than you had it".  But he was saying it in a very negative way.  He was saying it as an insult.  My response to him, "who fucking wouldn't?"  Isn't that a typical parent deal?  You want better for your kids?  Not Paul. 

Sorry, I got off track and if I keep talking about him, it'll turn into a real bitch-fest.

Back to the kids.  I think kids today feel like they deserve all the shit that we give them.  I'm not saying that I'm giving them money hand-over-fist.  We don't have the money to do that.  We aren't constantly buying them things, but they do have what they need.  It's the other stuff.  Like having satellite TV in their rooms and cell phones.  Getting the right balance is really hard to do.  I want to teach my kids ressponsibility, but I also want to let them have things.  There is a fine line there and sometimes it becomes a little blurred for me.

Scott keeps me in check.  Thank goodness.  I tend to be a push-over.  What can I say?  I feel like things sucked when I was a kid....so I'm making up for that with my own kids.  I know that things suck for Jason and Jourdan when they go over there....so I'm always trying to make up for that.  That is probably my biggest driving force.  I know things sucked so back for them at Pauls, and even though they don't go there very often anymore it's hard for me to stop.

So, I think my kids are probably a little spoiled.  I'm sure they are more spoiled than some kids, and there are alot of kids who are much more spoiled.  I'm hoping to find a happy medium!  I guess that's all I can do.

I'm A Weather Junkie

This week had gone by really fast....tomorrow is already Friday.  Jourdan is getting ready to leave on her East Coast trip Saturday.  I have to have her at the school by 5:45am. and then they are off to Niagara Falls.  They'll go to New York city from there where they get to ride the double decker bus that's open on top, take a ferry out to the Statue of Liberty and go to the Hard Rock Cafe. 

They'll be visiting Washington DC and Hershey Pennsylvania and Colonial Williamsburg.  It's quite the trip and they are gone for a whole week. 

I'm so excited for her to go, but I also worry about her being gone for a week.  It's a long week and alot of traveling.  She's a little nervous but I keep telling her it's the trip of a lifetime....and it is.  She's lucky because there were alot of kids who didn't get to go.  The trip was $1000.  We did alot of fundraising to help with the cost but still had to pay about half of it.

Scott and I are hoping to take the kids out west next summer.  Scott wants to move to Montana worse than bad.  That's why we are going out there this summer, to try to find some land to buy.  We'll see.  I think it's hard to buy something when you aren't planning on moving there for a while.  Anyhow, we want to take the kids out with us next summer.  We want to visit Mt. Rushmore and a few other places.  If Beth is still is MO maybe we'll even be able to stop and see her on our way back through.  Beth, wouldn't that be the coolest thing?

This is so funny, John has become a weather junkie.  A short time ago, Scott got me a new laptop so my old gateway laptop is for the kids now.  It cracks me up because there is a perfectly fine desk top downstairs in the family room, but nobody wants to use it.  They want to lay in bed and use the computer, or sit in the recliner to fart around in facebook.  For John, he's made a nest on my bedroom floor and is laying there on the computer.  He's usually on Club Penguin or on the Nick Jr website playing a Spongebob game or something.  But lately, he's been looking at the weather.

Scott found the website for the National Weather Service and you can click on different parts of the country and see the radar map, and then you can click on a button that loops it.  It cracks me up because he gets up in the morning and goes straight to the computer, telling me that he's going to "check the weather".  He picks the region with Michigan and then has to see if we have any rain coming.  That's what he's doing right now.  But he doesn't just look at the Michigan area, he looks at all areas of the country to see what might be heading our way.

He's been on the website for probably 30 mintues just looking around.  It's so funny.  Back when I first divorced Paul and I lived in my apartment and I had the local cable TV.  I always had my TV tuned into The Weather Channel.  My friend Scott, who lives in New Jersey, would call me and he'd ask what I was watching...the weather channel of course.  He couldn't tease me though, he was a weather junkie too.

So I guess he's taking after me.  What's bad is that I'm blogging about my weather obsession.  Like I don't have anything better to do than write about that.  Oh well, it's keeping my mind off everything else that's going on right now. 

More later....

To Go Or To Stay?

I'm sitting here trying to decide what I want to write about tonight.  Let's get the bitching out of the way first.  I"M STILL SICK!  I'm over 3 weeks of being sick with no end in sight.  And now John and Jourdan don't feel good.  Know what that means?  I'll start feeling better just in time to catch the cootie again from one of the kids.  WTF!  It's summer and I'm sick.

Ok, I'm done with that now.  I'm actually laying here in bed watching "Big Time Rush".  Have you seen it?  It's a kids show and John LOVES it!  He's made a nest on the floor in our bedroom and insists on having control of the TV.  I don't mind since I'm busy on the computer, but still.....

I've been thinking about Beth's post from yesterday.  Her posts always have meaning!  Sometimes serious, sometimes bitching, sometimes funny.  And here I am wondering what to write.  Nobody wants to listen to me bitching about politics.  I'll save that for when it gets closer to election time, lol.

OH, by the way, the human buzz-saw is back.  Earlier, I said to Scott, "you sound a little snotty."  And he said, "yeah, I am a little snotty".  What he's got goin on is more than a little snotty.  Well, at least he's getting the funk first....I'll be getting it for sure.

Ok, I think I have a good topic.  Something I'm struggling with right now.  Scott has been hounding me mercilessly to send resume's out to prospective employers.  He's looking every day at the want-ads and then he hounds me to death until I send out resume's.  I've been called for 3 interviews in the last two weeks and I think that the place I interviewed with last Wednesday is going to offer me a job when I meet with them again this Wednesday.  During my interview, I got the distinct feeling that they wanted to offer me a job right then and there.  But the attorney was running around the office frantic looking for something for court.

The first interview was for a part-time position in an attorney's office that needed a little bookkeeping and then alot of collection work.  The job that I interviewed for last week is for a full-time paralegal position.  This attorney specializes in bankruptcy and Family Law.  The two areas I really focused on.

I know that I should be thankful to even have a chance at a paralegal position when I don't have any real experience....only school.  I'm struggling right now because I'm so comfortable in the job I have now.  I work part-time and I come and go as I please....as long as my work gets done.  It's flexible and I love the people I work with.  It boils down to money. 

No surprise there.  When I told one of my co-workers that I was considering a job change she started to cry and told me that she didn't want me to leave.  What I explained is that it is hard for me as well but I'd been in the same job for almost 2 years without a pay increase.  That can be really discouraging for any employee.  I'm not the only one in this position at my office. 

Anyhow, I told Jenny that it's not a hobby.  I don't go to work for the fun of it.  People work to make money, right?  I just don't know that I see a great future where I'm at.  I love the job and all, but I do it for pay and not for fun.  So, that's my dilema.

The job I'm looking at is full-time, so that will take some adjustment around here.  Some nights I'll have to stay as late as 7pm.  I'm just really struggling over making a change.  Trust me, I'm extremely happy to even have the opportunity to talk to someone about a job.  The economy sucks so bad here in Michigan and the jobs are not as plentiful as they used to be.  So I know that I should be thankful and shouldn't be bitching about it.  I'm not, I'm just not sure of what to do right now.

I don't really want to be away from my kids 40+ hours a week.  It's about a 35 minute drive each way and I'm going to have alot more money in daycare with this job.  Actually, I'll have over $100 a week in daycare and that is just a shit-load of money when you stop and think about it.  I just don't know if I'll be ahead of where I'm at now.

It's a little scary because Jenny and I were just talking about this about 2 weeks ago, that we wished our boss would do annual reviews with pay increases when deserved.  I shit-you-not, within a week of our discussing that we all get an email saying that our boss will be doing individual annual reviews on each of us.  We joked that the office might be bugged! 

So what would you do?  I don't take my job or any job offer for granted.  I know I'm lucky to even have the opportunity to talk to someone about a new job.  I also know that I have it really good where I'm at right now.  I'm scared to give that up for a job that I might end up not liking.  Then what do I do?  I have to work. 

Sorry, right now I have to get something for Scott's nose....sudafed or something.  He's snoring so fucking loud that I can't even concentrate on what I'm typing.  Could be a long night...I'm guessing I'll end up in my recliner before the night is over.

Not Much Here

I guess I wasn't done blogging for the evening.  It's about 9:45pm on Sunday and you'd think I would be ready to call it a night.  Not the case.  Jourdan is still up, she has a friend spending the night.  Sami is in her bed crying for Jourdan.  John is in the livingroom watching ICarly, or something similar.  Scott is laying next to me snoring.  (No surprise there, right?)  And last, but not least, Jason is at his Dad's house.

His dad had a graduation party for him today.  Jason called me tonight and said he had a good time and that lot's of people were there.  Well that's good.  I'm glad because he was worried that nobody would be there.  I don't know why.  His dad has a pretty big family.

I'd like to be sleeping, but I can't lay down.  Every time I do I start coughing and I can't stop.  I hate being sick.  I cough and cough and then I have to pee.  It's a viscious cycle!!! 

Well, I thought I had plenty to say....but now that I'm here I'm just rambling.  Sorry!  I have been stumped lately for anything interesting or witty to say.  WTF!  I'm just getting boring in my old age.  Jourdan came in a few minutes ago and saw the picture of herself on my blog.  She wanted to read what I had typed and then told me I should've put a different picture of her in my post.  Silly girl.  She was so pretty in her dress, I just wanted to show how proud I am of her. 

Scott and I were watching Huckabee tonight.  He had all kinds of people on who had different methods to clean up the oil in the ocean.  All but one of the guys said they haven't heard anything from BP.  It's such a shame.  There are so many smart people in this country who have ways to clean the oil up from the water, and they aren't being utilized.  I just don't get it.  Scott kept saying, why don't they just go down there and start putting their inventions to work?  Well, it's about the money.  They are waiting for BP to call them and pay for their products.  That's what it comes down to.  Money.  Again, with the money.

I'm not saying these people should just give away their products for free.  At least they were on Huckabee showing off what they had and how it could help get the oil out of the water.  Buy you know damn well it comes down to the money.  And if BP isn't calling these folks up, why isn't the government?  If King Shit himself is looking for an ass to kick, why not kick BP's ass and make them get some of these people down to the shoreline and start getting the oil out of the water?

The democrats were so fast to get after George Bush after Hurricane Katrina.  What can a person do with a natural disaster?  Was he supposed to go down there personally and hold the levy's in place himself?  When it comes to this oil spill, there IS something our beloved administration could do.  They could look for ways to clean it up.  Their primary focus, my ass!

Ok, I don't know how I ended up on politics.  Just one of those goofy posts I guess.  I'm going to watch Mall Cop with John....starting to be a nightly ritual with us.  Scott "buzz saw" Watkins is laying here next to me snoring loud enough to blow the siding off the side of the house.  I guess I'll just turn the volume on the TV up and try to relax.

The Evil Ex

The last couple of weeks have been pretty eventful.  Jason graduated from High School.  Jourdan had the 8th grade dance, which is THE event of the Lowell Middle School existence.  I have to say that I'm proud of myself for keeping it together during graduation.  I thought I would be a slobbering fool watching my son go across the state and accept his diploma.  But, I didn't do that.  Actually, it was a little wierd because we were sitting so far up into the stands that I could barely see Jason.  I think if I'd been sitting close and been able to actually see his face during the ceremony it would have been much worse.  As it was, I didn't embarrass myself or Jason.  YAY!!!!

Jourdan had her dance on Wednesday and she looked so beautiful.  I took her to have her hair done and she had on her fancy dress and silver shoes. 

When I opened my blog tonight, this is pretty much what I wanted to talk about....Jourdan.  She had a really bad experience with her dad this last week and I'm so pissed.  Look at that beautiful girl right there and tell me she doesn't deserve to have a Dad who loves her unconditionally.  I talked about this in therapy last week.  The fact that my kids can't be themselves around their dad, because there are conditions to his love and acceptance.

Let me go back one more step to go along with this whole story.  I already wrote about it, but after graduation when Scott and I found Jason, he was a real shithead to me.  Then when Paul walks up, he's all friendly and acts like he's kissing Paul's ass.  Well, what I didn't realize is that there is more going on than that.  My fabulous therapist pointed out that the kids are pretty smart and they know that there are conditions when it comes to Paul, but with me they know that they can be themselves and I'm going to love them no matter what.  That doesn't mean that it's ok to be disprespectful to me, but it does mean that they don't have to have their guard up with me like they do with their dad.

So this whole problem started with Jourdan and getting shoes to go with her dress for the dance.  I bought her dress about 6 months ago and we'd asked Paul to get her shoes.  I thought that was a fair trade for what I paid for the dress, nylons, bra, and ticket.  Paul told Jourdan no because he'd just spent two weeks up north. 

Here is a guy who is CONSTANTLY bitching about being broke, yet doesn't have any small bills in his wallet....only hundred dollar bills.  He has money for toys and things that are important to HIM.  Our kids are not in that category.  Everything boils down to child support for him.  Don't ask him to pay for anything extra, that's what child support is for.  The measly small amount that he pays (just over $400 a month) for two kids and he bitches.  I've even had to buy dress clothes for Jourdan for the Daddy-Daughter dance that he was taking her to in Ohio.  For crying out loud!  And if I didn't, she wouldn't have anything nice to wear.  But not to worry, I just go out back and pluck a few bucks off the money tree I have growing in my back yard.....NOT!

I know this is off the topic, but I love the memory of being in front of our judge and Paul saying that he's paying my truck payment.  Sure he is, because it doesn't cost anything to raise two kids.  They don't eat, wear clothes or shoes, or cost anything.  Uh huh!

Sorry, I got way off my original topic.  I'm just sick of him bitching about not having money when I know better.  This goes along with Beth's post.  He's got the world by the ass and we live pay check to pay check because he doesn't want to contribute for his own kids.  All of this started over a $20 pair of shoes!  Paul got really pissed at Jourdan and hung up on her over $20!  Who hangs up on their kid?  That's real fucking mature.

So she is still upset about it this weekend.  Paul wanted her to come over on Friday, and she doesn't want to go.  She'd been invited to a slumber party on Saturday.  Paul calls her on Friday and asks her if she is ready to be picked up in 20 minutes....she tells him she doesn't want to come over and he starts yelling at her and hangs up on her, AGAIN!  WTF!!!!

So, I told Jourdan she didn't have to go over.  What am I supposed to say?  She is crying and upset because he has to be an immature jerk.  Did I mention last year he told her to pack up her shit because she never had to come over to his house again?  So the kids rarely go to their Dad's anymore.  He's made the decision to alienate them and treat them like crap, and that's why he doesn't have a good relationship with his kids.

So after the hang up, about 5 minutes pass and his wife calls and talks to Jourdan.  I was in the room because I wanted to hear what was said.  Jourdan is still only 14 and I don't think that she should be screamed at and swore at, so I wanted to know what was going on.  Usually, I let them talk to their dad in their rooms and I don't interfere, but this was the exception.  Jourdan is talking to Pauls wife and in the back ground Paul is just screaming his fucking head off about Jourdan.  Then he screams at Joanne to tell Jourdan to never ask him for money again.  That's what it always boils down to for Paul.....money. 

Why, why, why would a paren't treat their daughter this way?  And why did he have to make it about money?  It had nothing to do with money.  He doesn't do anything extra for the kids anyways.  I had to come up with money to buy her dress, and the stuff that goes under it, and her shoes.  On top of that I had to get a suit and shoes for Jason for graduation.  Not a cheap week, but somehow we find a way to do it because that's what parents do.  We struggle just like most other families and worry about coming up with money for shoes and school clothes.  The kids have what they need, that's what parents do.

So now, I don't know what to say to Jourdan about her dad.  She's had 14 years of verbal abuse from him.  I'm sick to death of him treating my kids like shit.  I told him way back when the kids were little that he needed to get his temper under control because the kids would end up resenting him.  I also told him that if he didn't have a good relationship with his kids once they got older, and could choose to spend time with him or not, that they wouldn't want to.  Well, they are at that point now. 

It's not so bad for Jason because he's older.  He's not belligerant or anything, he just treads lightly around Paul.  He knows what he can and cannot say to his dad.  And, he only sees him about once a month.

I don't know....I would die if I never saw my kids.  I wouldn't be able to handle it if I screwed up my relationship with my kids.  And I say "I" because I am the adult here.  Their dad is supposed to be an adult too, and things didn't have to end up like this.  He made it this way and I feel bad for my kids.  I'm thankful they have Scott in their life.  They do have a step-dad that cares about them and worries about them having what they need.  We don't always have the money for the "wants" but somehow we come up with the "needs". 

I spent my entire hour of therapy this past week talking about Paul.  I've really got some bad feelings pushed down inside of me.  And I'm mad as hell over how he treats my kids.  They are great kids and he doesn't deserve them.  Is that selfish to say?  Of course it is, but he made it this way.  It didn't have to be like this, but he is so fucking selfish it makes me sick.  It's always about money with him, and he doesn't have a regular job.  He does odd jobs for people and get's paid cash.  Very hard for the courts to track his money and base his child support on any real numbers.  Well, he has to live with himself knowing what he is.  The problem is that it doesn't bother him!

It's A Mom Thing

I've had the funk....for a week now.  It's got my asthma in an uproar and I can't stop coughing.  I mean, it's summer...so why do I have to be sick? 

Ok, now that I have my bitching out of the way I can talk about my week.  First, Jason is done with school.  My baby boy has finished High School.  I don't even know where the time has gone....the last 10 years have just flown by.  I say 10 years because I've been with Scott for 10 1/2 years and it has flown by.  How great is it to be in a relationship that still feels new after 10 years?  We still like each other.  It's an amazing feeling.

Back to Jason, he's almost 18 and the last 10 years really have flown by.  He was just a little kid and now he's all grown up and I'm wondering when it all happened.  He gets mad at me for telling him to drive careful and to call me when he's done working.  We were camping last weekend and Jason stayed home because he had to work.  He had a fit because I told him to make sure he locked the door before he went to sleep.  We'd picked up Bailey so I knew he was in the house by himself.  When Bailey was here I knew there wouldn't be a problem, she's not going to let anyone into the house.  Period.

Well, Jason got pissed off at that and told me I didn't have to tell him to lock the doors, and that he's a responsible 17 year old.  Well, I've been thinking alot about that.  He's right, he is responsible....for the most part.  He can't remember to feed the dog, but he's generally responsible.  With the help of the therapist I've been talking with I discovered that my saying that to him was purely for me.  Alot of my anxiety over him being done with high school and his graduation is about me really, not him.  I know he can take care of himself and I know that he's responsible enough to lock the doors at night.   All of my anxiety is about me.  It's a mom thing.

I never thought about it before, but there are two types of moms.  The first type if the kind of mom that I am.  I am freaking out about Jason growing up and moving out.  I feel like I'm losing my child and I can't stand it.  It's breaking my heart.  Then there is the 2nd type of mom, who feels like she has raised her child to take care of himself and when he's done with school.....it's time to boot him out of the nest.  My mom was this way with me.  I'm not saying it's bad, it's just different from what I'm experiencing.  I'm obviously the first type of mom.  I've been working myself into a frenzy about graduation since last summer.  I'll bet if you look back over my old posts, I'm crying about it last summer and fall.  Seriously.

So, it's not like I can stop my kids from growing up.  As parents, its our job to raise our kids to be decent grown ups who can take care of themselves and be responsible, honest, and caring ndividuals.  We raise our kids so that they CAN go out on their own and survive.  Well, that's what Scott and I have done....but I'm not ready to let go yet.  Jason doesn't get it.   If he could afford it, he would probably move out this summer.  I dont' even want to think about that.  My brain can't even process that right now.  So, I'm not going to think about it. 

I think I'm probably being a normal mom.  I'm so happy for what Jason has accomplished.  He's worked for 13 years for this graduation.  I'm very proud of him.  It's just freaking me out.

I was thinking yesterday about when I was Jason's age.  I was also 17 when I graduated and when I was done with High School, I just didn't really think anything of it.  I was excited about being done with school.  I didn't think about whether or not it was freaking my mom out.  I actually remember feeling a little bored.  We got out a couple weeks before the rest of the kids and my parents were at work, so I would get up in the morning and be home by myself.  I was bored.  I know Jason doesnt' feel that way.  He's been running around with Nick and having fun....and working too. 

I'm sure Jason thinks I'm crazy because I've been so upset.  He doesn't know what it's like to be a mom with a 17 year old son, lol.  Well, graduation is Sunday and I'n sure I'll be crying my eyes out.  I'll try really hard to stay composed, but I know myself well enough to know that I'll be sobbing my eyes out.