I Can't Stop Crying

I don't know what to do right now. I can't stop crying because I have totally screwed myself the last two days. I have been working so hard to change my eating habits. I'm 40 years old and my eating habits and my metabolism sucks. So what do I do? I have spent the last two days eating like my old self.

What is wrong with me? I haven't done all of this work for nothing. I am wearing clothes I haven't fit into in a long time and I'm throwing it away....because of food.

I feel like I did good on my birthday. I didn't have any cake, then the day after the kids made me a cake so I had a tiny tiny piece and no icecream. I made sure I worked out too. Then 5 days later is Samantha's birthday. I have a tiny piece of cake and no icecream, and I make sure I work out. I even made sure to save calories both days to make up for eating a little piece of cake.

That was on Thursday. On Saturday, we went out to dinner with Kathie and Steve at Logans. It was so delicious. We got appetizers and I had a New York Strip, and even some rolls with butter. I ran my ass off on the treadmill on Saturday morning and I was careful all day with my calories because I knew we'd be eating out and having yummy food.

Then Sunday, Jason's 17th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON!!!!

It's like I went into funk mode. My baby is a senior in High School and he's 17 and will be graduating in 7 short months. Wow. On top of that, I'm friggin 40 years old.

Ok, so we have cake and icecream. I eat a small piece of cake and no icecream. To be honest, I may have even eaten two pieces of cake. I'm not even sure, isn't that pathetic? And then I make lasagna for dinner with garlic bread. Jason's request. I have two pieces of lasagna and two garlic breads. I think I could feel my arteries plugging up and the fat literally sticking back onto my ass.

I didn't work out Sunday. We had a busy day and a houseful of people. It was stupid, I should have been walking on the treadmil and I did laundry instead.

Now, here comes Monday. I made menu's up for Scott and I for the week. I shopped and made sure that I have healthy food. So, what do I do? I have a bagel for breakfast, not so bad I guess. I don't eat a snack, big mistake. Because then I was starving by lunch. Jenny went down to Broadway subs and bought us subs for lunch. Ham and cheese on white with lettuce and shredded pickles. It's a 15 inch sub for crying out loud, and I was so hungry I could have eaten every bite. Bad enough, I ate half and then brought the rest home for Jason.

By the time I got home at 4:45pm I was so starving. I really screwed up today. I warmed up two pieces of lasagna, then I had baked chips with it. A bunch of them, really, I ate a crap-load of them. Then I find myself rummaging through the cupboards because I think I'm still hungry. So then, I see the birthday cake sitting there from yesterday.

I'm actually having an argument with myself inside my head about this cake. Well, my stomach won and I ate....two....pieces of cake.

So, not a good diet day. I didn't work out either. I just didn't want to today and now I feel like hell because of it. I feel so full right now. I think my stomach shrank the last couple of weeks while I've been eating better, so I was so full that I just wanted to lay in the recliner.

Well, I didn't of course because I had to do laundry, dishes, and chase after kids.....but I sure would have been happy to lay in the recliner and eat a cupcake. (Don't worry, I didn't.)

I guess I'm just really disappointed in myself. I'm wearing clothes I haven't worn in years. Scott keeps telling me how good I look and that I'm doing a great job, and keep up the great work. He's been so great about it, and then I go and have two bad days and I feel like total shit about it. I feel so bad that I can't stop crying because I don't want to put the weight back on that I've been working so hard to get off. But that is my typical cycle.

I want to break the cycle. I've emailed Julie and asked her to give me some advice to get back on track. I'm desperate. I have this black lingerie hanging in my room just waiting for me to lose 30 more pounds so I can put it on. I keep looking at a picture of myself taken 21 pounds ago and I don't want to look like this anymore. I'm miserable. I'm 40 and I need to make myself healthy so I don't die young. I want to see my grandkids grow up and see my great-grandkids. Why is this so hard for me to do? I know it in my head, but I can't get my stomach to stop.

For the first time in four or five weeks, I actually feel like I have gone back to "Dieting Hell".