The Blues

Today, I turned 40 years old. 40 years old. I still can't even believe it, I'm looking at it. It's staring me right here on the screen but I still don't think I can wrap my head around it.

Honestly, I've had a shit day. It started out by spending $220 at Secretary of State to renew my license plate, along with Jasons truck. I did meet up with Tina in Ionia and we shopped a little at Walmart and had some lunch. Actually, the morning didn't start out so bad.

Maybe I should start with what is making me feel good in my life. I weighed myself yesterday and five more pounds are off of me. I'm starting to see a difference. My leather coat that has hung in my closet for over two years....well I pulled it out today and put it on. It was actually a little baggy on me. I was comfortable with it on. The ultimate test was my pants. I bought some pants last year at Christmas time but they were too tight so I've never worn them. I pulled them out of the closet, put them on, and they were too big for me. To the point that they looked ridiculous on me.

Well, that made me cry. It was so hard to start, to actually make myself start working out and to watch what I was eating. Finally, I've had enough and I'm doing something about it. I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror and hating myself.

Unfortunately, my birthday didn't really come at a good time. I've been upset about being 40 because.....well, just because. I don't have to give a reason. I cried when I turned 30 and now todya I've cried because I've turned 40 years old.

The kids had gifts for me. They were nice and very thoughtful gifts that Jourdan had picked out last week when she went shopping with Scott. They got me the best, yummiest smelling candles. I can't wait to start burning them. Anyone who knows me, they know that I LOVE candles and I will burn candles all winter long.

I also got a new journal and a small address book that sorta matches my purse calendar. I was quite pleased and appreciated the wonderful gifts the kids gave me.

Scott worked half of a day, but didnt' want to go to the football game. So he stayed home with the kids. When I got home he was already in bed....not even 10pm and he was in bed asleep. I had hoped he would be up and we could have a couple beers with Tina. Was that too much to ask? For the first time in my life I didn't get a cake on my birthday from Scott and the kids. Rob bought me one at work yesterday and it was delicious. Boy did I work out yesterday after eating a piece of chocolate cake.

I yelled at Scott when I got home for not putting any effot into any day that is important or special to me, specifically. There will never be a birthday go by for my husband or kids that I didn't have a cake for them. I guess I'm just upset over my birthday, honestly I didn't want the big deal made. I just want Scott to make me feel special on special days. Sometimes he hurts me so much. And then when I tryt o talk to him, he turns it around on me and then I am the one who ends up apologizing.

So, it hasn't been the best day. I'll be glad when it's over and I can start over with tomorrow.