I Can't Stop Crying

I don't know what to do right now. I can't stop crying because I have totally screwed myself the last two days. I have been working so hard to change my eating habits. I'm 40 years old and my eating habits and my metabolism sucks. So what do I do? I have spent the last two days eating like my old self.

What is wrong with me? I haven't done all of this work for nothing. I am wearing clothes I haven't fit into in a long time and I'm throwing it away....because of food.

I feel like I did good on my birthday. I didn't have any cake, then the day after the kids made me a cake so I had a tiny tiny piece and no icecream. I made sure I worked out too. Then 5 days later is Samantha's birthday. I have a tiny piece of cake and no icecream, and I make sure I work out. I even made sure to save calories both days to make up for eating a little piece of cake.

That was on Thursday. On Saturday, we went out to dinner with Kathie and Steve at Logans. It was so delicious. We got appetizers and I had a New York Strip, and even some rolls with butter. I ran my ass off on the treadmill on Saturday morning and I was careful all day with my calories because I knew we'd be eating out and having yummy food.

Then Sunday, Jason's 17th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON!!!!

It's like I went into funk mode. My baby is a senior in High School and he's 17 and will be graduating in 7 short months. Wow. On top of that, I'm friggin 40 years old.

Ok, so we have cake and icecream. I eat a small piece of cake and no icecream. To be honest, I may have even eaten two pieces of cake. I'm not even sure, isn't that pathetic? And then I make lasagna for dinner with garlic bread. Jason's request. I have two pieces of lasagna and two garlic breads. I think I could feel my arteries plugging up and the fat literally sticking back onto my ass.

I didn't work out Sunday. We had a busy day and a houseful of people. It was stupid, I should have been walking on the treadmil and I did laundry instead.

Now, here comes Monday. I made menu's up for Scott and I for the week. I shopped and made sure that I have healthy food. So, what do I do? I have a bagel for breakfast, not so bad I guess. I don't eat a snack, big mistake. Because then I was starving by lunch. Jenny went down to Broadway subs and bought us subs for lunch. Ham and cheese on white with lettuce and shredded pickles. It's a 15 inch sub for crying out loud, and I was so hungry I could have eaten every bite. Bad enough, I ate half and then brought the rest home for Jason.

By the time I got home at 4:45pm I was so starving. I really screwed up today. I warmed up two pieces of lasagna, then I had baked chips with it. A bunch of them, really, I ate a crap-load of them. Then I find myself rummaging through the cupboards because I think I'm still hungry. So then, I see the birthday cake sitting there from yesterday.

I'm actually having an argument with myself inside my head about this cake. Well, my stomach won and I ate....two....pieces of cake.

So, not a good diet day. I didn't work out either. I just didn't want to today and now I feel like hell because of it. I feel so full right now. I think my stomach shrank the last couple of weeks while I've been eating better, so I was so full that I just wanted to lay in the recliner.

Well, I didn't of course because I had to do laundry, dishes, and chase after kids.....but I sure would have been happy to lay in the recliner and eat a cupcake. (Don't worry, I didn't.)

I guess I'm just really disappointed in myself. I'm wearing clothes I haven't worn in years. Scott keeps telling me how good I look and that I'm doing a great job, and keep up the great work. He's been so great about it, and then I go and have two bad days and I feel like total shit about it. I feel so bad that I can't stop crying because I don't want to put the weight back on that I've been working so hard to get off. But that is my typical cycle.

I want to break the cycle. I've emailed Julie and asked her to give me some advice to get back on track. I'm desperate. I have this black lingerie hanging in my room just waiting for me to lose 30 more pounds so I can put it on. I keep looking at a picture of myself taken 21 pounds ago and I don't want to look like this anymore. I'm miserable. I'm 40 and I need to make myself healthy so I don't die young. I want to see my grandkids grow up and see my great-grandkids. Why is this so hard for me to do? I know it in my head, but I can't get my stomach to stop.

For the first time in four or five weeks, I actually feel like I have gone back to "Dieting Hell".

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA!!!!

Happy 2nd Birthday to my baby girl, Samantha Renee!


Have you ever had a really good hair day and thought to yourself, "holy shit, I'm having a really good hair day". And it's like karma hears you and the very next day your hair has grown just enough overnight that you won't have another good hair day until your next haircut grows to the exact right length....for that one and only day? That's my life story.

Then, something weird happened to me. I had a really good hair day on Tuesday. I even said to Scott, "wow I'm having a good hair day". I knew what fate had waiting for me, and on Wednesday....I was right. It was down right ugly!

Then, out of the blue, I got up this morning and did my usual coffee and laundry etc. I worked out and then took a shower. And much to my amazement and disbelief.....another good hair day. I mean, I was completely speechless. Two good hair days in one week. That just doesn't happen.

Ok, so I'm wondering if it was just good karma because it's Sami's birthday today? I did have to go to Meijer....not that I give a shit about impressing anyone at Meijer, but I didn't want to look like a hag. It had to be some wild oddity and will probably never happen again....not in my lifetime anyways.

Let's get on with the formalities here. My diet. First of all, in my defense, I have a friggin cold cootie. Someone gave me their cold. Jason was sick, he got over it quick. John was sick...and he's been fighting it for a couple weeks (which Dr. Kern said this virus was lasting 3 or more weeks), then Jourdan got it. Well, I did everything I could to prevent myself from getting a cold.

Then, Tuesday morning I woke up with a sore throat and snotty nose. Wow, it was even on my good hair day. I'm taking cold medicine, but I still feel like crap. I ran my ass off on the treadmil last night but I didn't get down to it tonight. I feel bad about it. But I feel good that I worked out this morning, and diligently I might add.

Today when I got up I had some oatmeal, which I shared with Sami. Now that I think of it, that was pretty stupid since she is the only one besides the dog who isn't sick with a cold. Anyhow, when Scott got home from Biolife we decided to have Subway. Ohhhh Subway, I haven't eaten there in forever. So, I told him to order my usual.

After lunch, I started thinking about what I had just eaten and wondering how many of my 1800 calories I'd used up on this sandwich. So, I get online and start researching. The subs that Scott and I had for lunch were a whopping 1320 calories each. That's for a foot-long Italian BMT. I know, I know....get what you ask for. But 1320 calories? I could've had a whopper for that price.

So, that didn't make me happy. And of course all the fatty salami and such didn't agree with my stomach so I was sickly all afternoon. Serves me right for eating such a crappy lunch. I need to stick to the ham and turkey on wheat, 6". A foot long italian herb and cheese bread is 550 calories by itself. That is so ridiculous. I felt terrible after I ate it and to be honest, I have only eaten one other thing this entire day.

Today is Sami's 2nd birthday, so we had cake. I did buy icecream and I cut the cake pieces really small. So I had one very small piece of cherry chip cake with very light frosting. That's it. I wasn't doing it to starve myself, but I just feel shitty with this cold and have no appetite. A big slice of cheese pizza would be good right now, but that would really send me over the top. Anyhow, I have to get that out of my mind. I'm a little hungry, but it's after 10pm and I just took some cold medicine. I'm tired and I feel like crap so I'll wait for breakfast and hit the good old raisin bran. Been working for me so far.

At 8:30 I meant to go down to the treadmil tonight, but I just felt like hell. I got the kids in bed, got into my workout clothes and just felt so bad. Then Jourdan goes to take Bailey outside and a squirrel nest had fallen out of one of the trees in the back yard, thanks to the wind. It landed right in Bailey's kennel...where she does all her business. And there were babies in it.

So, I went outside, covered the babies up with the nest...using a stick. Closed the kennel door so Bailey couldn't go in and kill them, and then Bailey out to shit in the back yard. Happy happy, joy joy! Scott said we'll know by tomorrow if the mama is going to come and get the babies. Then we can take care of it and let Bailey back in her kennel for her job.

Ok, I'm outta here. Filled you in on my day. Complained about my cold, wished Sami a happiest 2nd birthday ever, and I'm ready for bed.

I Think I've Settled In

I'm not so crazy right now about being 40. I've tried really hard to set it aside. I don't feel any different than I did on Thursday of last week so I've decided to put it out of my mind for a while.

In the meantime, it's time for a Dieting Update!!!! Well, I have been working my ass off, literally, to lose weight. I've lost a few more pounds. I started thinking about this....since the end of February I have lost over 20 pounds! I especially notice it in my clothes. I'm trying really hard not to weigh myself everyday. My problem is that my water weight fluctuates so much, that I might be off by a couple of pounds from day to day.

I have to remind myself to step on the scale only on Fridays. I'm trying to make myself stick to it because that seems to be my best day. Here's the deal. I have found a way to lose weight. I did it before, and lost 40 pounds. Can't remember how I did it. When I look back at it I feel like it just fell off. Well, we both know it didn't just fall off. I just happened to find what worked for me at that time, and well lets face it, I was 10 years younger.

Back to what I was saying, I have finally found my way to lose weight. I'm being mindful of what I eat during the week. I'm trying very hard to stick to my diet. This week was very challenging, and I'll get to that in a minute. But on Saturday I don't diet. I'm not saying that I pig out and I don't get all crazy on junk food, but if I want pizza I have it. If I want chili, I make it. I know, I've already talked about my Saturday off thing.

I just hadn't realized that it was really working for me. I'm not dropping weight fast, but I'm not suffering either. I had to tell myself that I don't need to lose 50 pounds in 2 months. It took me ten years to put this weight on, it's not going to come off overnight. I have a better chance of sticking to my new way of eating if I'm not completely suffering.

Now, I made a HUGE mistake this week. I didn't do what I planned. I didn't make a menu for Scott and I, and I didn't diet shop. I randomly shopped and got healthy food but there was no menu to follow, so it wasn't necessarily a good week. I was getting home late from work and then scrambling to get dinner around. Asking four kids "what do you want to eat for dinner" at 6:00 at night is not a good situation.

So, with a menu, I planned everything out the night before. Tonight, I made my menu for the week. I know it's already Wednesday, but we can follow it the rest of the week and then use it for next week too. It has enough variety.

The other thing I'm doing is that I'm working out. I work out with my 3 pound weights every day. I know I already told you that I skipped Friday and Saturday, but I have more than made up for it this week. I have worked really hard, working out. I have a routine that I do and I started out with 10 reps of each thing. Trust me, 10 just about killed me. Now I am doing 15. There are certain things that I go back and do again. (The back leg lifts that will make my ass look sooooo goood, lol).

I even got Jourdan to work out with me a little bit here and there. She doesn't really need to lose weight but she needs to tone up her stomach. She doesnt' realize that very soon she won't be able to just eat what she wants. She has terrible eating habits and it's my fault. Jason has learned the hard way. He has gone back and forth being overweight, but not since Freshman year when he joined football. Now, he stays in shape thans to Noel Dean.

Ok, I got off track there. I guess I just wanted to say that things are going well. I worked out with weights today and I ran my butt off on the treadmill. I burned 20 more calories today than I did yesterday in the same amount of time. I'm using the incline, but mostly jogging. I have worked myself up to jogging further and longer. John was down there with me tonight and he loved it when I would jog on 5 or 6, then I would tell him when to kick it back down to 3! What a good kid.

You know, come to think of it....today was a really bad food day. I had almost forgotten about it in my rambling. I had a plain bagel for breakfast, a snack at work, and I brought some Progresso soup (100 calories) for lunch and never ate it. I don't know why, it just didn't sound good to me today. By the time I got home at 4:45pm I was so starving it was ridiculous.

This is when I make mistakes. This is the point that Julie told me NOT to get to. Six small meals a day...well didn't happen today. So, I get home and I'm looking in the fridge....nothing good to eat. Lots of fattening stuff in the freezer...pizzas, chicken pot pies, fudge bars, pizza rolls. I'm starving and I have no menu to follow, and I have not been grocery shopping. What is a girl to do?

Sami was hungry too, and cranky. She's been crying alot lately and really crabby. I think she's getting teeth. Anyhow, she wanted a snack too. So, I eat a cheese stick and I'm starving. I'm pacing in the kitchen and I'm looking in the cupboards. Sam get's out a box of pasta and wants me to make that, so I did. And, that's what the kids had.

I took my vitamins and cooked a chimichanga....or something like that. Anyhow, it had 310 calories, so it wasn't too awful. Once I had that and a huge glass of water, I worked out, did laundry and then went to the treadmill.

I was seriously struggling. I don't like that feeling....I can't let myself get that hungry because I was like a wild woman searching my kitchen. It was ugly. But I'm quite proud of myself for working through it and not eating myself to oblivion!

Good Morning

It's a new day! It's Sunday morning and the kids are watching cartoons. I'm drinking coffee and talking to you.

I finally feel like we are at the end of a really long and difficult week. I know that my woes are much less than that of others. So many people that are near and dear to me are going through difficult times in their lives. My sister, for one, and my online friend Scott Story, and even my co-workers Chris and Jenny (who I've become friends with). My troubles are small compared to what others are going through. Sometimes, life is a bitch and you just have to try to muddle through.

I think I've finally muddled through this week. I'm not happy about being 40. But my mom keeps saying that it's better than the alternative! LOL. Another thing she has been telling me, and I've probably already typed this.....you're only one day older than your were yesterday. Ok, I can live with that.

I've always known that I would turn 40 someday, lol, but in my mind I pictured being 40 as a whole different experience. What I pictured was that I would have finally gotten myself pulled together and I would be a thin and sexy 40 year old. People would look at me and say, "you're 40? I don't believe it!" (Hey, it's my little dream world ok, so don't laugh!)

I think these birthdays, like 30 or 40 or 50, etc make you look at your life. I wonder if we expect ourselves to have accomplished certain things at these incremental birthdays? I know that I did. For sure by the time I was fourty I would be thin! Well, didn't happen. But I'm working on it. And more diligently than I have in a really long time. Before, it was more of a "I want to look thin and sexy" kind of thing. Well, I don't know that I've ever been sexy, but I wanted to look good. At this point in my life, at 40, I'm looking at it from a health standpoint.

I don't want to die young. So many people die from things related to obesity. I have high blood pressure and I'm on the edge of diabetes. Dr. Kern scared the hell out of me by telling me all the bad things that can happen to someone with diabetes. And if you know me, you know that there is no way in HELL that I'm going to give myself an insulin shot every day. Not going to happen. I don't want to have a heart attack or a stroke, or any of those other terrible things that can happen to me because I couldn't control my eating and I didn't exercise. So, that's my new motivation! My health.

I'm going to stop thinking about my age. Hopefully now that my birthday has passed I will stop getting teased about turning 40. Kathie, bless her heart, didn't give me a "40" birthday card. The other ones I got were teasing about being 40. That's ok, I would do the same thing. When Tina turns 40, she better look out because she has been ribbing me like crazy! Well, she wants a stripper for her 40th birthday, which is only 3 years away. We'll see! ;)

So today I'm off to Costco with Kathie. And I have laundry to do, that's the excitement of my day. Tomorrow I go back to Biolife to try to donate plasma again. I'm trying like heck to do it so I can have extra Christmas money. I'm praying that it goes good and I'm able to donate. I'll be medicated so everything should be good, lol.

Last, but not least, I have been so busy that I have been out of touch with what is going on with politics these days. I haven't seen OReilly in a week, for crying out loud! I'll have to go over to Scott's blog and see what's going on. You know how I like to bitch about politics, but I haven't watched the news in a week, so I can't even complain about Obama because I don't know what's been happening. Except the Nobel Peace Price! How ridiculous! What was he awarded that for? Because he is the first black president? Really, who gives a shit. He hasn't done anything, in my opinion, to make world peace. He's just looked the other way while Iran is making nuclear bombs and sending up test rockets.

Enough about that, I'll have to actually watch the news and see what is going on before I go too far, lol. Thanks for listening.

40 YEARS AND A DAY

I was pretty harsh on Scott with my post yesterday. First of all, I've been dreading my 40th birthday since I turned 30. I think that the last several months it had escalated and I kept telling everyone I didn't want cake, I didn't want a big deal about it....that's exactly what I got and then I got pissed. Well, that wasn't fair.

I shouldn't make excuses, maybe just a thought or two on what my problem was. I think that age bothers some people more than it bothers others. I wanted to forget the age part, but enjoy the birthday part. So, I'm sure I was sending mixed signals out to Scott. I know I made him feel bad, he made me feel bad...it was just a bad situation.

But today, all is well. When I wrote last night, I was completely exhausted and emotional. I started the day very early, spent a shit load of money renewing license plates, then rushed off to a football game and sat in the pouring rain for two hours before the game and then they didn't even let Jason play. The Defense was barely on the field. I have the same problem with Lowell Football that Scott does, and many other parents. The coaches have their favorites, and if your child isn't one of them they may or may not play. The score was 42 to 7, don't you think they could afford to put some of their second string kids in to let them have some play time?

Ok, I'm not going to bitch about football. It upsets me and there isn't thing one I can do about it. When I got home last night I'd been in the cold rain for over four hours, I was wet, I was cold, and I was sad that it was my 40th birthday. I took it out on Scott. I picked a fight with him over it when I got home and promptly apologized. I know when I'm wrong.

I think that sometimes men just need to be reminded that they need to make days that are special to women, special. Today, was a great day. I am over that 40th year birthday hump and I am telling myself not to think about it.

I've been working my ass off to get the weight off my ass, lol. I've lost, since Feb, 21 pounds and I feel pretty damn good about it. I put on my leather coat yesterday and I showed it off for my family and friends tonight. It felt really good to put it on and zip that thing up.

The only thing I feel bad about is that I didn't exercise this weekend. Well, Friday and Saturday. Shame on me! I'm going to really work out tomorrow. Well, Scott and I had some fun and I'm sure that I had at least 20 minutes of aerobic activity, lol. Shhhhh! ;)

Tomorrow I'll get myself on the treadmill. That's what really burns the calories. I like working out with the weights best, but the treatmil is the most calories to burn. So, that's what I'll do.

Today was a good day. I went to lunch with Kathie and the kids, we had munchies while we watched the Ohio State game. I tried really hard not to overeat, but then Kathie and the kids went and bought me a cake. I had a piece of chocolate cake after dinner and it was so good. I didn't eat any snacks tonight. Scott had donuts for a snack, but I refused. That was really hard. I thought about popcorn or some of the pringles stix. I changed my mind.

We make choices every day. For someone who is dieting and trying to lose weight, it can be a moment to moment choice. It's a constant battle. I just need to make sure I get back to working out tomorrow. I should have tonight, but the day got away from me and we had company all day. At least Ohio State beat Wisconsin. That was good!

The Blues

Today, I turned 40 years old. 40 years old. I still can't even believe it, I'm looking at it. It's staring me right here on the screen but I still don't think I can wrap my head around it.

Honestly, I've had a shit day. It started out by spending $220 at Secretary of State to renew my license plate, along with Jasons truck. I did meet up with Tina in Ionia and we shopped a little at Walmart and had some lunch. Actually, the morning didn't start out so bad.

Maybe I should start with what is making me feel good in my life. I weighed myself yesterday and five more pounds are off of me. I'm starting to see a difference. My leather coat that has hung in my closet for over two years....well I pulled it out today and put it on. It was actually a little baggy on me. I was comfortable with it on. The ultimate test was my pants. I bought some pants last year at Christmas time but they were too tight so I've never worn them. I pulled them out of the closet, put them on, and they were too big for me. To the point that they looked ridiculous on me.

Well, that made me cry. It was so hard to start, to actually make myself start working out and to watch what I was eating. Finally, I've had enough and I'm doing something about it. I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror and hating myself.

Unfortunately, my birthday didn't really come at a good time. I've been upset about being 40 because.....well, just because. I don't have to give a reason. I cried when I turned 30 and now todya I've cried because I've turned 40 years old.

The kids had gifts for me. They were nice and very thoughtful gifts that Jourdan had picked out last week when she went shopping with Scott. They got me the best, yummiest smelling candles. I can't wait to start burning them. Anyone who knows me, they know that I LOVE candles and I will burn candles all winter long.

I also got a new journal and a small address book that sorta matches my purse calendar. I was quite pleased and appreciated the wonderful gifts the kids gave me.

Scott worked half of a day, but didnt' want to go to the football game. So he stayed home with the kids. When I got home he was already in bed....not even 10pm and he was in bed asleep. I had hoped he would be up and we could have a couple beers with Tina. Was that too much to ask? For the first time in my life I didn't get a cake on my birthday from Scott and the kids. Rob bought me one at work yesterday and it was delicious. Boy did I work out yesterday after eating a piece of chocolate cake.

I yelled at Scott when I got home for not putting any effot into any day that is important or special to me, specifically. There will never be a birthday go by for my husband or kids that I didn't have a cake for them. I guess I'm just upset over my birthday, honestly I didn't want the big deal made. I just want Scott to make me feel special on special days. Sometimes he hurts me so much. And then when I tryt o talk to him, he turns it around on me and then I am the one who ends up apologizing.

So, it hasn't been the best day. I'll be glad when it's over and I can start over with tomorrow.

Dieting Hell Update

Ok, I have to admit, I'm not really in dieting hell. I have felt like a new person since I met with Julie, the Nutritionist at Metro Health Hospital! She was the answer to my prayers.

I have stopped weighing myself every single day. I decided that I was obsessing about what the scale says and not focusing on how I look and how my clothes were fitting. I felt really good this week. I didn't workout on Sunday, and I felt guilty as hell about it all day. I just felt like my muscles needed a rest. Today, which is Thursday, I think I feel stronger because I let myself rest. I was only doing 10 reps of each part of my body I was working and now I'm doing 12.

Since we talked last....I can't remember where I was at but over the last week I've lost another 2.5 pounds or so. I really noticed it the first cool day we had this week. I haven't worn long pants to work since last winter and I had to break them back out because I was freezing my ass off. I actually had to wear a belt. I was so excited. There is a brown shirt I wear alot and that was even loose on me. Victory!

I think that the things that are surprising me the most is that I don't feel like I am dieting. I feel like I am making positive changes in my life, and getting healthier in the process. Making better food choices. I still had two hotdogs at the Varsity football game on Friday, but I've been working out like a mad woman so I think I'm kicking in my metabolism.

I have a long way to go, but my black lingerie that is hanging in my bedroom is only 36.5 pounds away. Alot less than the last time I wrote. It feels good, and I have had people ask me if I have lost some weight. That makes me feel super good. I know it's not much, but it's pounds that are gone that I will NEVER see again.

Luckily, at the beginning of this I got on some anti-anxiety meds from Dr. Kern. Let me tell you, life in the Watkins household has been freaking insane. I'm not saying that things are stressful between Scott and I, its not that at all. We have the best relationship! The stress comes from finances, work, kids.....oh the kids have been driving me crazy lately. They are bickering like crazy. Sam has been the crabbiest ever. As I type this, she has just started whining in her bed. I don't know what her problem is, but she is cranky.

She has had a fever and I think she is cutting some more teeth. I guess that will do it.

Back to my transformation. I've taken a before photo and once I get to my goal weight I'm going to post a before and after. You will be shocked! SHOCKED! Because I am not going to fail this time. I'm meeting with Julie at Metro Health again in December and I am not going to let myself or her down. I'm also going to wear this black little nightie that I have hanging in my bedroom for Scott. Maybe on Christmas Eve or something. Wouldn't that be a nice little present?

I feel good right now. I admit though, today I was off my game. I had some taco's from Taco Bell. But Julie told me that if I had a craving to go ahead...but in moderation. So, I did. I didn't pig out, I didn't go crazy and eat 10 taco's or anything. But I ate a couple taco's and ealier in the day I worked my ass off for 45 minutes. I'll do the same thing tomorrow.

Tina told me that I could have her mini-trampoline. That will be helpful to get more of an aerobic workout. Honestly, I hate to walk on the treadmill. Seriously, I hate the walking and jogging. I know that I'm losing weight right now by working out with weights and a little bit of cardio. At some point I'm going to have to kick it up a notch and start some heavy duty cardio workouts. I need to remind her about the trampoline because I want to get started on it NOW. I like having a change of pace. I'm not bored with this "diet" and I am motivated.

Now that I have started to lose weight, I want to work harder to lose the weight. I want to work harder to feel better. I want to live a long and happy and healthy life. And you should see Scott, he's losing too and he is looking soooo good. Makes me want to jump on him......if he was ever home, lol. He's been working so much lately that I barely see him and when he is home he is getting caught up on sleep. It's ok, we'll make up for it later.....when I can wear my skinny black lingerie.