So I hope everyone had a WONDERFUL July 4th holiday. Like I said, we were camping last week with our friends from Ohio. On Friday we took the kids to the Detroit Zoo. That was fun! I'm sunburnt, of course. I covered the kids with sunscreen, but didn't put a drop on myself. Even sunburnt the top of my head....add scratching my head to the sneezing, coughing and hacking....that's really appealing, I'm a real prize!
We topped off July 4th by going to a party then to fireworks at Murray Lake. We had a great time and the fireworks were fantastic! John didn't remember them from last year so he really enjoyed the festivities this year. Plus, he was with his two best friends, Aiden and Ben. They were so cute, they were all kicked back on a blanket watching the fireworks. They had a great time.
I know you are wondering about this, and I'm dreading the discussion! How's my diet? At a stand-still. I don't expect anything different from myself. I've been giving myself every single excuse I can think of for the last....I don't know....three weeks or so. Am I happy with just this 10 pounds? Hell no! Here's my line of thought:
- We've been on vacation and you can't diet on vacation.
- I've been too busy.
- The weather was too hot to walk (but not too hot to stuff my face).
- It rained some of the nights when we usually walk.
- I was too tired to walk (but not too tired to eat).
- I've had my period. (Yeah, right!)
- Scott hasn't been dieting so I haven't.
- I've been too tired to walk.
- We've had alot of company for dinner lately (and it's fun to have friends over for cookouts).
- We have a standing lunch date with Kathie and the kids at McDonalds one day a week.
- I've been too tired to walk.
- It's sooooo hard to diet during the summer (and it's easier in the winter when I can't get out and walk in the evening????)
- I hate dieting.
- I hate being hungry.
- I've been too tired to walk.
I think I've covered everything that I've told myself the last couple of weeks. Pathetic isn't it? It's so stupid when I sit here and think about how badly I want to look and feel better but I don't do anything about it. I'll always tell myself that I'll start tomorrow, or on Monday. Well, tomorrow is Monday dumb ass. (Me, not you!) I'm actually at the point of being tired of eating. I am actually tired of eating and I know that when I get to that point I'm usually ready to do something. Maybe I can stick to it for more than 10 pounds. I need to find another place for WW meetings because I just don't know that the Lowell meeting is right for me. It's expensive to go and if you don't get anything out of it, it's a waste of time.
I was talking to Sally on the phone tonight and we were talking about how tough it is to go through a divorce. I think that, for myself, I felt like a new person. After the dust settled and I got used to the idea of being on my own I actually felt pretty good. I'd lost almost 40 pounds, I was happy with the way I looked and I had this new found confidence. I think when a woman is comfortable with herself, she is a different person. At that time, I was comfortable with myself. This is when I met Scott and oh how I long for that body. I wasn't skinny, I was average. I remind myself that I have had four kids and I'm never going to be skinny. But I could be average and would feel really good about myself. I also want to look good for Scott. Don't get after me about that, he doesn't ever say anything to me about my weight and I know that my self-worth isn't tied to the way I look for a man. I just want to look good, and feel good, and feel attractive for my husband. He's the only one! For me, and for him...that's it!
Now that I have gone down the eating crap road again, I have to find a way to start over. To find a way to focus and get back into the exercise and eating healthier. We are planning another trip next month, that can't be an excuse to eat like a hog. When I shopped this week I did buy better foods. I bought chicken, turkey breast, squash, stuff like that. Things that are better than eating hotdogs and potato chips. My biggest weakness is pizza. It's crazy because we haven't had pizza in over a week, but sure as the sun will rise, as soon as I try to diet or start eating healthy....the only thing that will be on my mind is pizza. This weekend is Sally's birthday and she was telling me that she didn't want some extravagant thing, she wanted girls night and pizza. Done! MMMMMM pizza! My weakness.
Ok, so I have spilled my guts and you see where I am at with things. I desperately want to change my eating habits and get this weight off. It's so hard! Anyone who has ever had a weight problem knows what I am saying. It's on your mind 24/7 and it never leaves your thoughts. Food, the enemy, is always on your mind. I'm the only one who can do anything about it. If there was an easy and painless way to do it I would. If I could have a gastric bypass and have no pain, side effects, complications, and the money to do it, I would. But that just isn't the case and I know I can do it with the proper mental state. To diet, you have to be mentally ready. You have to be mentally strong because eating habits and hunger are pretty strong adversaries!
Well, we'll see how it goes and I'll report to you throughout the week. I promise that I am not going out of town again for a good long while. I hope to hear from my friends, I'm starting to wonder if anyone is out there again.
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