Alone....And Not Happy About It

Have you ever felt alone?  I mean really alone?  When you are feeling so sad and miserable and you don't have anyone to turn to?

I do have people in my life who care about me.  But there are some things that a person shouldn't share with their family.  Sorry, that might sound rude, but if you're in a bad place in your life and you share that with your family.....sometimes they don't let you forget it.

So I think to myself, I had this great friend Janice.  I could tell Janice anything.  I'm not kidding, I could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge me or think different of me.  Do you remember what happened with Janice?  My son was dating her daughter and she cheated on him.  I didn't agree with how she handled things and I ended our friendship. 

I think about Janice.....almost every single day.  Especially on a day like today when I'm feeling so bad, because I know she would listen to me and help me get through the mess I am in.  I want to call her, or email her, or text her.....but I still have so much pain in my heart over what happened that I can't bring myself to do it.

So, here I sit....writing on my blog and feeling like hell.  I know alot of people have it worse than I do.  I get that.  But I can't help the way I feel and right now, I just want to cry.  I feel like hell...yeah, I know...I already mentioned that.  I have a big decision to make that is going to affect me in a big way, and my son.  It'll also affect my family and our finances. 

It's not just that.  I've been talking about the fact that I've been going to therapy.  I guess you can call it therapy.  I go each week, talk about what's going on in my life, and we try to figure out why I'm having anxiety attacks.  Well, I've been going for several months now and I have been feeling so much better.  Then, out of the blue, the last two weeks I feel like I'm right back where I started.  Still feeling like hell. 

I'm tired, I have no energy, I am a total bitch at home, I want to cry all the time.  I don't have PMS!  I am not pre-menopause.  I know because I've had bloodwork done.  As far as bloodwork and such, I am just fine.  It's my head that's fucked up.  I feel sad and I feel depressed and I don't know how to fix it.

I keep hoping that Jason will find a different job, that would help me make my decision easier.  I'm afraid of what will happen to him if I follow my gut instinct.

Have you ever had a job that you just loved?  I'm not talking about the envrionment, I'm talking about the job.  I LOVE my job.  I'm a bookkeeper and I probably have 30 different things that I am responsible for.  Some things are big responsibilities and other things are just little things that I take care of.  Still, I love my job.  If I could go to work, and shut the door to my office every single day and not deal with the drama that goes on outside of that door, I would be ok.

But life doesn't work that way.  Beth asked me if there was someone I could go to at work to discuss the issues with?  Well, there isn't.  I wish there was, but when I do go to my boss to discuss the issues that are causing me so much stress and anxiety I will be out of a job.

I talked to Scott about all this when he got home.  I felt bad.  He's a guy and guys look at things different than women do.  But he listened to everything I said and he was very supportive.  Now, I just need to know what to do.