I'm so excited right now, that I'm in RED....my favorite color. The season finale of "The Glades" is on...in one minute. ONE MINUTE! Have you ever seen this show? It's in its first season and it's been picked up for a second season. I LOVE IT! Next to Cougar Town, it's my next favorite show. However, The Glades actor Matt Passmore. He plays a detective and he's freakin HOT!
Anyhow, let me get back to what I've been talking about the last couple of weeks. I'm seriously feeling better today. I've been pulling myself away from people who I feel are "toxic" in my life. In doing that I have alienated myself from, well, almost everyone in my family and even many of my friends. I felt better on the inside, but I felt really bad on the outside. Does that make sense?
I was having a dilema over my jobs. I felt like Scott already had an opinion and that I couldn't talk to him. And that left me with nobody else to talk to. I tried to talk to Beth a couple of times, but with 7 kids between us and busy schedules....it didn't work out. It's ok though. I know she would offer me some great advice that would help me feel better...because that's the kind of friend she is. :)
Scott and I talked about all oft this a couple days ago. He had to work on Saturday and when he got we talked mroe about this whole mess with my jobs. I'd been upset and crying for nearly two weeks. I'm sure he'd had enough as well. So, I told myself to suck it up and just talk to him about it. When I did, an amazing thing happened. He listened to everything I had to say...without interruption.....again! And he helped me make a plan of action, and boy do I feel better.
I already know that I have a great husband, but he out-did himself! And for the first time in a long time, I had a really great weekend. We hung out, threw on some barbeque, and drank beer! We found Little Kings at Pauly's and I was so excited. I haven't had a Little King in like 24 years...or so.
Today, we were going to go do some running around and decided to just stay home and hang out. We cleaned out the camper, put some ribs and chicken in the smoker, and just enjoyed the day.
I'm not sure how things will turn out with work. Right now, I don't need to work. It's extra help for things like groceries, birthday and Christmas gifts, going out to dinner. Stuff like that. I work to make sure that we are keeping out debt under control and paying somethings off early. So I'm not going to worry about work anymore. I'm just going to see what happens and not worry about it. Right now, I have two good jobs and I'm not going to let myself get so upset over work. I split my Monday last week so I had friday off....and that really seemed to help me catch up on my rest and my laundry.
So for now, life is A-OK!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Alone....And Not Happy About It
Have you ever felt alone? I mean really alone? When you are feeling so sad and miserable and you don't have anyone to turn to?
I do have people in my life who care about me. But there are some things that a person shouldn't share with their family. Sorry, that might sound rude, but if you're in a bad place in your life and you share that with your family.....sometimes they don't let you forget it.
So I think to myself, I had this great friend Janice. I could tell Janice anything. I'm not kidding, I could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge me or think different of me. Do you remember what happened with Janice? My son was dating her daughter and she cheated on him. I didn't agree with how she handled things and I ended our friendship.
I think about Janice.....almost every single day. Especially on a day like today when I'm feeling so bad, because I know she would listen to me and help me get through the mess I am in. I want to call her, or email her, or text her.....but I still have so much pain in my heart over what happened that I can't bring myself to do it.
So, here I sit....writing on my blog and feeling like hell. I know alot of people have it worse than I do. I get that. But I can't help the way I feel and right now, I just want to cry. I feel like hell...yeah, I know...I already mentioned that. I have a big decision to make that is going to affect me in a big way, and my son. It'll also affect my family and our finances.
It's not just that. I've been talking about the fact that I've been going to therapy. I guess you can call it therapy. I go each week, talk about what's going on in my life, and we try to figure out why I'm having anxiety attacks. Well, I've been going for several months now and I have been feeling so much better. Then, out of the blue, the last two weeks I feel like I'm right back where I started. Still feeling like hell.
I'm tired, I have no energy, I am a total bitch at home, I want to cry all the time. I don't have PMS! I am not pre-menopause. I know because I've had bloodwork done. As far as bloodwork and such, I am just fine. It's my head that's fucked up. I feel sad and I feel depressed and I don't know how to fix it.
I keep hoping that Jason will find a different job, that would help me make my decision easier. I'm afraid of what will happen to him if I follow my gut instinct.
Have you ever had a job that you just loved? I'm not talking about the envrionment, I'm talking about the job. I LOVE my job. I'm a bookkeeper and I probably have 30 different things that I am responsible for. Some things are big responsibilities and other things are just little things that I take care of. Still, I love my job. If I could go to work, and shut the door to my office every single day and not deal with the drama that goes on outside of that door, I would be ok.
But life doesn't work that way. Beth asked me if there was someone I could go to at work to discuss the issues with? Well, there isn't. I wish there was, but when I do go to my boss to discuss the issues that are causing me so much stress and anxiety I will be out of a job.
I talked to Scott about all this when he got home. I felt bad. He's a guy and guys look at things different than women do. But he listened to everything I said and he was very supportive. Now, I just need to know what to do.
I do have people in my life who care about me. But there are some things that a person shouldn't share with their family. Sorry, that might sound rude, but if you're in a bad place in your life and you share that with your family.....sometimes they don't let you forget it.
So I think to myself, I had this great friend Janice. I could tell Janice anything. I'm not kidding, I could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge me or think different of me. Do you remember what happened with Janice? My son was dating her daughter and she cheated on him. I didn't agree with how she handled things and I ended our friendship.
I think about Janice.....almost every single day. Especially on a day like today when I'm feeling so bad, because I know she would listen to me and help me get through the mess I am in. I want to call her, or email her, or text her.....but I still have so much pain in my heart over what happened that I can't bring myself to do it.
So, here I sit....writing on my blog and feeling like hell. I know alot of people have it worse than I do. I get that. But I can't help the way I feel and right now, I just want to cry. I feel like hell...yeah, I know...I already mentioned that. I have a big decision to make that is going to affect me in a big way, and my son. It'll also affect my family and our finances.
It's not just that. I've been talking about the fact that I've been going to therapy. I guess you can call it therapy. I go each week, talk about what's going on in my life, and we try to figure out why I'm having anxiety attacks. Well, I've been going for several months now and I have been feeling so much better. Then, out of the blue, the last two weeks I feel like I'm right back where I started. Still feeling like hell.
I'm tired, I have no energy, I am a total bitch at home, I want to cry all the time. I don't have PMS! I am not pre-menopause. I know because I've had bloodwork done. As far as bloodwork and such, I am just fine. It's my head that's fucked up. I feel sad and I feel depressed and I don't know how to fix it.
I keep hoping that Jason will find a different job, that would help me make my decision easier. I'm afraid of what will happen to him if I follow my gut instinct.
Have you ever had a job that you just loved? I'm not talking about the envrionment, I'm talking about the job. I LOVE my job. I'm a bookkeeper and I probably have 30 different things that I am responsible for. Some things are big responsibilities and other things are just little things that I take care of. Still, I love my job. If I could go to work, and shut the door to my office every single day and not deal with the drama that goes on outside of that door, I would be ok.
But life doesn't work that way. Beth asked me if there was someone I could go to at work to discuss the issues with? Well, there isn't. I wish there was, but when I do go to my boss to discuss the issues that are causing me so much stress and anxiety I will be out of a job.
I talked to Scott about all this when he got home. I felt bad. He's a guy and guys look at things different than women do. But he listened to everything I said and he was very supportive. Now, I just need to know what to do.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Time Flies When You're Having Fun
I wasn't even sure that I was going to write tonight. It's been a long week, and the first time in a very long time, that I have worked full time. I'm exhausted! Seriously!
I got up this morning, and I was so tired. Scott's snoring was terrible. He hasn't been this bad with snoring in a long time. He woke me up 5 or 6 times and I had taken Nyquil before I went to bed. Usually, if I have a cold going on and take Nyquil, you aren't going to wake me up for anything. So, I was tired this morning. I got the kids around and took John to school and dropped Sami off to daycare. On my way to work Jason sent me a text that he had been put on a move to Chicago today.
He was excited. Our movers make pretty good money when they do these long distance moves. And I don't think Jason has ever been to Chicago, so he was excited. He took a bunch of pictures on his phone from the customers apartment that was right in the city. I think he said the guy was on the 14th floor or something like that. Anyhow, you could see through the buildings to Lake Michigan and the view from the apartment was really amazing! I could tell that it was a pretty ritzy place by Jason's pictures.
Anyhow, not the point I was trying to make tonight. He called me when they were on their way back to say that when he got home he was going to leave and go to his friends for the weekend. First, I was so glad that he called because I like knowing that he is safe. I'm a mom, that's how I roll!
Well, this friend goes to college as well and lives on campus. Not the same college Jason goes to, but another. He's been to his friends dorm several times and is really liking the freedom that he see's his friends have. Anyhow, he told me that this friend was actually at home for the weekend (which is in Lowell) but I'm not sure if he was telling me the truth. I've never felt like Jason was a liar. Since Jason was a little kid, he always told me the truth. The other 3, not so much.
But Jason has always been honest with me. But I just had this feeling that he was going to the dorm instead of the kids house. I am probably wrong. Jason tells me what he's doing, even if the typical parent wouldn't approve. Jason and I have a different relationship than alot of parents have with their son. I'm pretty easy on him, and as long as I know he's safe he pretty much comes and goes as he pleases. He'll be 18 in 4 weeks afterall.
I don't know, there is just something nagging me tonight. He talks about moving out and it sends me into an anxiety attack. I'm an easy going mom and he has alot of freedom. BUT!!!! Every single night, he comes home by midnight and I know that he is downstairs in his own bed safe! That is the difference for me.
I started thinking about why it bothers me so much to have him move out. I know he's a young adult and he wants to go out on his own. But the thought of it is just killing me. I want to know that he is safe and I want to know where he is. I know how it is when you move out. I remember when I moved out of my parents house and I didn't give it a thought. It didn't bother me in the least to move out and go about my business and have my own life. I didn't check in with my parents and they didn't know where I was on a day to day business.
So, I'm sure that Jason will feel the same way. It's normal. But, this is my first. I can't imagine Jason not living here at home with us. I just can't. And it's making me sad. It feels like not so long ago he was a little boy, about John's size. It feels like he skipped a few years....like he went from 7 to 17 in the blink of an eye. When I look back I can't believe how fast time has gone by. Seems like it's gone faster since I had Jason.
So I'm wondering how to get through all of this. It's so amazing to watch your children grow and go through all the phases of childhood. So many times I think we take time for granted and we don't enjoy the moment. Since I turned 40 I'm thinking about these things alot more. It was like a big smack in the face when I turned 40. All of the sudden, I was old and my first child is a young adult! Where did the last 10 years go?
Before long I'll be saying these same things about John. He's 7 years old, the age that Jason was when I met Scott. And Sami will be 3 very soon. And Jourdan is a freshman. I was just saying that Jason is a freshman. And now, 4 1/2 years have gone by.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I think that Scott and I have done a damn good job raising our kids so far. Jason could move out on his own and he could completely take care of himself. I have no doubt in my mind. So, I know we've done a great job raising him. The only problem is that the time went by way too fast!
I got up this morning, and I was so tired. Scott's snoring was terrible. He hasn't been this bad with snoring in a long time. He woke me up 5 or 6 times and I had taken Nyquil before I went to bed. Usually, if I have a cold going on and take Nyquil, you aren't going to wake me up for anything. So, I was tired this morning. I got the kids around and took John to school and dropped Sami off to daycare. On my way to work Jason sent me a text that he had been put on a move to Chicago today.
He was excited. Our movers make pretty good money when they do these long distance moves. And I don't think Jason has ever been to Chicago, so he was excited. He took a bunch of pictures on his phone from the customers apartment that was right in the city. I think he said the guy was on the 14th floor or something like that. Anyhow, you could see through the buildings to Lake Michigan and the view from the apartment was really amazing! I could tell that it was a pretty ritzy place by Jason's pictures.
Anyhow, not the point I was trying to make tonight. He called me when they were on their way back to say that when he got home he was going to leave and go to his friends for the weekend. First, I was so glad that he called because I like knowing that he is safe. I'm a mom, that's how I roll!
Well, this friend goes to college as well and lives on campus. Not the same college Jason goes to, but another. He's been to his friends dorm several times and is really liking the freedom that he see's his friends have. Anyhow, he told me that this friend was actually at home for the weekend (which is in Lowell) but I'm not sure if he was telling me the truth. I've never felt like Jason was a liar. Since Jason was a little kid, he always told me the truth. The other 3, not so much.
But Jason has always been honest with me. But I just had this feeling that he was going to the dorm instead of the kids house. I am probably wrong. Jason tells me what he's doing, even if the typical parent wouldn't approve. Jason and I have a different relationship than alot of parents have with their son. I'm pretty easy on him, and as long as I know he's safe he pretty much comes and goes as he pleases. He'll be 18 in 4 weeks afterall.
I don't know, there is just something nagging me tonight. He talks about moving out and it sends me into an anxiety attack. I'm an easy going mom and he has alot of freedom. BUT!!!! Every single night, he comes home by midnight and I know that he is downstairs in his own bed safe! That is the difference for me.
I started thinking about why it bothers me so much to have him move out. I know he's a young adult and he wants to go out on his own. But the thought of it is just killing me. I want to know that he is safe and I want to know where he is. I know how it is when you move out. I remember when I moved out of my parents house and I didn't give it a thought. It didn't bother me in the least to move out and go about my business and have my own life. I didn't check in with my parents and they didn't know where I was on a day to day business.
So, I'm sure that Jason will feel the same way. It's normal. But, this is my first. I can't imagine Jason not living here at home with us. I just can't. And it's making me sad. It feels like not so long ago he was a little boy, about John's size. It feels like he skipped a few years....like he went from 7 to 17 in the blink of an eye. When I look back I can't believe how fast time has gone by. Seems like it's gone faster since I had Jason.
So I'm wondering how to get through all of this. It's so amazing to watch your children grow and go through all the phases of childhood. So many times I think we take time for granted and we don't enjoy the moment. Since I turned 40 I'm thinking about these things alot more. It was like a big smack in the face when I turned 40. All of the sudden, I was old and my first child is a young adult! Where did the last 10 years go?
Before long I'll be saying these same things about John. He's 7 years old, the age that Jason was when I met Scott. And Sami will be 3 very soon. And Jourdan is a freshman. I was just saying that Jason is a freshman. And now, 4 1/2 years have gone by.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I think that Scott and I have done a damn good job raising our kids so far. Jason could move out on his own and he could completely take care of himself. I have no doubt in my mind. So, I know we've done a great job raising him. The only problem is that the time went by way too fast!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Here I Am
Think I disappeared again? Well, I've gotten online several times to write, but I end up engrossed in Beth's blog. If you have a minute, you should check it out. It's on the right side of my page. She is legit! (Which according to Jason is good, lol)
Scott is out of town, he's in Chicago. A nice little bomb he dropped on me at the last minute. Sent me into a tizzy last week. I'm not happy about it, but I have no choice so what can I do? I talked to him for a few minutes tonight and they were getting ready to go to some fancy coctail party that this chick is throwing. She owns Okuma, which is the big guy on the block for making machine shop...machines. So they are going to this coctail party for drinks then going out to dinner. I guess they went somewhere last night and for 8 guys their bill was over $670. Can you even imagine? That's our housepayment!
Anyhow, I started getting a little cranky about his plans for the evening.....yah I know, I have issues. Anyhow, he's yawning and telling me all this and then, "I'm so ready to come home". Well, that made me feel better. I don't deal well with Scott being gone. There have only been 3 times when Scott has been away overnight in the ten years I've known him. I know, after that long you'd think we'd be ready for separate vacations right? The problem is, I still like Scott. I like spending time with him and I miss him terribly. I can't wait for him to get home tomorrow.
So I had my second week at my new job. I'm freaking out a little because they are so happy I'm there. They were really in a bind with payroll because of a big new client they have. And, my boss didn't have to spend 12 or so hours in Big Rapids just to come to the office til 11pm and do payroll two nights in a row. I did that for them. They even have business cards ordered for me.
Tina said something to me the other day, and it made sense. We are both pretty knowledgeable when it comes to accounting. She thinks, and I agree, that she and I just move through things a little faster than the average bookkeeper. What that means for us is that we get our work done too fast and then we're sitting there with our thumbs up our asses!
That's what I did today. I spent most of the day bullshitting with one of the owners. He went out for a while, but for the most part we were shooting the shit and telling funny stories. I get paid to do it, so I shouldn't bitch. But have you ever just sat at a desk in front of the computer with nothing to do.....for hours. I seriously wanted to lay my head down on my desk and take a nap. Maybe I'll start playing Bejeweled Blitz on facebook again, lol.
Anyhow, I'm back to TMAT tomorrow and I'm so thankful. I'm actually having feelings of homesick for my office. I really miss being in my office and having my nice little "come and go as I please" schedule. Sometimes it takes going out there and checking things out to really appreciate what you have. I LOVE working for TMAT. There's drama. The drama I could live without. I just feel like it's a mistake for me to not be there on Monday mornings and be at the other job. There isn't much for me to do on Monday mornings.
I want to split my day on Monday and see how that goes. I have to talk to my new boss and see how he feels about it. I'm hoping that i'll be trained in more areas so I can stay busy the two days I'm at Pro Staff. I like the people, they are super nice. I don't dislike the job, I just like to do what I was doing before. I don't know....be a good thing to discuss in therapy this week, lol. Am I just freaking out over stepping outside of my comfort zone and not giving this new place a chance? I like it there, I like the people. I just wish it could be a different schedule.
Sorry, I'm just bitching because I had a long day....I actually had a 9 1/2 hour day. And I feel like now my week is starting because I have to do my 3 days at TMAT. But I'm already pooped out. It doesn't help that Scott is out of town. Jourdan has had to watch the kids and she'll call me at work and they are crying...even screaming...and she's yelling at them and bitching about what time I'm coming home.
I told all the kids tonight that they need to help me out. Jourdan needs to be a little more patient with the kids. She sinks to their level and escalates the fights with the little ones. She's 15 for crying out loud. It's time to act your age young lady. What the hell can I do from my office? I'm sitting there with my boss and she's on the phone bitching and the kids are screaming bloody murder. It was ugly!
I told the kids that they couldn't make me feel guilty about working the extra job. Christmas will be here before you know it and I want to put money away for gifts. Jourdan told me that I shouldn't have to take the extra job, "we always have tons of presents". Well, yeah because we charge or use bill money...which puts us behind for several months. This year, no charging and no "skip a payments". It's a cash only Christmas!
I don't know what her problem is. When a kid is unhappy and having a fit, it only takes a second to distract them. Then, you are back to having a happy kid. But she doesn't do that, she yells and argues, and makes the situation worse. It's extrememly stressful and I'm trying really hard to manage my stress better. I'll be happy when Scott gets back cos he'll pick the kids up early and he'll be home so it won't be a problem.
Well, I know this was a boring post tonight. A little of this and that, and all pretty much boring. I'm sleepy after the long day and I have an early day tomorrow. Until next time.....
Scott is out of town, he's in Chicago. A nice little bomb he dropped on me at the last minute. Sent me into a tizzy last week. I'm not happy about it, but I have no choice so what can I do? I talked to him for a few minutes tonight and they were getting ready to go to some fancy coctail party that this chick is throwing. She owns Okuma, which is the big guy on the block for making machine shop...machines. So they are going to this coctail party for drinks then going out to dinner. I guess they went somewhere last night and for 8 guys their bill was over $670. Can you even imagine? That's our housepayment!
Anyhow, I started getting a little cranky about his plans for the evening.....yah I know, I have issues. Anyhow, he's yawning and telling me all this and then, "I'm so ready to come home". Well, that made me feel better. I don't deal well with Scott being gone. There have only been 3 times when Scott has been away overnight in the ten years I've known him. I know, after that long you'd think we'd be ready for separate vacations right? The problem is, I still like Scott. I like spending time with him and I miss him terribly. I can't wait for him to get home tomorrow.
So I had my second week at my new job. I'm freaking out a little because they are so happy I'm there. They were really in a bind with payroll because of a big new client they have. And, my boss didn't have to spend 12 or so hours in Big Rapids just to come to the office til 11pm and do payroll two nights in a row. I did that for them. They even have business cards ordered for me.
Tina said something to me the other day, and it made sense. We are both pretty knowledgeable when it comes to accounting. She thinks, and I agree, that she and I just move through things a little faster than the average bookkeeper. What that means for us is that we get our work done too fast and then we're sitting there with our thumbs up our asses!
That's what I did today. I spent most of the day bullshitting with one of the owners. He went out for a while, but for the most part we were shooting the shit and telling funny stories. I get paid to do it, so I shouldn't bitch. But have you ever just sat at a desk in front of the computer with nothing to do.....for hours. I seriously wanted to lay my head down on my desk and take a nap. Maybe I'll start playing Bejeweled Blitz on facebook again, lol.
Anyhow, I'm back to TMAT tomorrow and I'm so thankful. I'm actually having feelings of homesick for my office. I really miss being in my office and having my nice little "come and go as I please" schedule. Sometimes it takes going out there and checking things out to really appreciate what you have. I LOVE working for TMAT. There's drama. The drama I could live without. I just feel like it's a mistake for me to not be there on Monday mornings and be at the other job. There isn't much for me to do on Monday mornings.
I want to split my day on Monday and see how that goes. I have to talk to my new boss and see how he feels about it. I'm hoping that i'll be trained in more areas so I can stay busy the two days I'm at Pro Staff. I like the people, they are super nice. I don't dislike the job, I just like to do what I was doing before. I don't know....be a good thing to discuss in therapy this week, lol. Am I just freaking out over stepping outside of my comfort zone and not giving this new place a chance? I like it there, I like the people. I just wish it could be a different schedule.
Sorry, I'm just bitching because I had a long day....I actually had a 9 1/2 hour day. And I feel like now my week is starting because I have to do my 3 days at TMAT. But I'm already pooped out. It doesn't help that Scott is out of town. Jourdan has had to watch the kids and she'll call me at work and they are crying...even screaming...and she's yelling at them and bitching about what time I'm coming home.
I told all the kids tonight that they need to help me out. Jourdan needs to be a little more patient with the kids. She sinks to their level and escalates the fights with the little ones. She's 15 for crying out loud. It's time to act your age young lady. What the hell can I do from my office? I'm sitting there with my boss and she's on the phone bitching and the kids are screaming bloody murder. It was ugly!
I told the kids that they couldn't make me feel guilty about working the extra job. Christmas will be here before you know it and I want to put money away for gifts. Jourdan told me that I shouldn't have to take the extra job, "we always have tons of presents". Well, yeah because we charge or use bill money...which puts us behind for several months. This year, no charging and no "skip a payments". It's a cash only Christmas!
I don't know what her problem is. When a kid is unhappy and having a fit, it only takes a second to distract them. Then, you are back to having a happy kid. But she doesn't do that, she yells and argues, and makes the situation worse. It's extrememly stressful and I'm trying really hard to manage my stress better. I'll be happy when Scott gets back cos he'll pick the kids up early and he'll be home so it won't be a problem.
Well, I know this was a boring post tonight. A little of this and that, and all pretty much boring. I'm sleepy after the long day and I have an early day tomorrow. Until next time.....
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Compromise
I'm not green tonight. I've decided that I'm done being an asshole. (I hope). Scott and I came to a great agreement on Friday. We've been doing alot of bickering lately. Which is odd because we never argue. Seriously, we don't argue. We get along very well and we have a great relationship.
But, my journey to a less stressful and anxiety free self is creating some tension here at home. I've discovered (and I've already written about this) I take responsibility for everything and I never made people take responsibility for their behavior. I'm trying very hard to change my way of thinking. And this even applies to Scott. We're working on it though. Anyhow, we made an agreement. If one of us feels that the other is being crabby, mean, bitchy....you get the idea, we pull the other person aside and nicely communicate that to the other person. We had to do that a couple of times this weekend and it worked wonderfully.
I think we'll actually be ok with this until Scott has to go to Chicago next Monday for 3 days. My problem, I've discovered, is that I do not trust men. My therapist is really going to have her hands full with me this week. Did I already post about this? I hope I'm not repeating myself cos that would really be lame. We'll talk more about this as we get closer to next wednesday.
Anyhow, he's got to drive to Chicago and I'm NOT happy about it. Matter of fact, I want to kick his ass over it. The fact that we've had some issues lately doesn't help. Unhappy people do stupid things. Scott told me that he's been unhappy......we've been ok over the weekend....but he's said it to me recently. So, true to form, I'm fucking freaking out over this trip! I'll get to my point:
In the midst of all of this weekend, Scott tells me that his friend from work and his wife have split up. I don't want to say any names because I know both of them and they are both super nice people that Scott and I both like personally. Well, he told me that they had split up just about two weeks ago. I asked Scott why? He said that SHE had feelings for somebody else. YIKES!
Well, I was shocked. Seriously, they have kids and I just never thought that they would be the type to split up. Some people you can just tell that it's a matter of time, but not these two. They've been together longer than I've known Scott. Matter of fact, I think he was the first friend of Scott's that I met when we started dating.
Anyhow, we have been painting over the weekend. The bedroom, touching up in the bathroom, and the kitchen. Scott even cleaned the carpet in the livingroom. I'm in the bathroom scraping caulk from next to the tub, so I can re-do it and he comes in and says, "oh did I tell you who the other guy is?" Ummmmm, no. How do I know?
Well, turns out SHE has feelings for her husbands BEST FRIEND (now EX) who also works with the husband and Scott at the same shop. Well, this was an interesting turn of events. I was shocked. I know you're asking me why I'm sharing this with you right? You don't know who I'm talking about and you don't care.
I'll get to my point. I was thinking about this, and wondering how this can happen to two people who have been together for a while and seemed really happy. I swear a lightbulb appeared over my head. It's what I've been saying to Scott for months....sort of.
When one person in a marriage isn't getting what they need in the marriage, it makes them more vulnerable. BINGO!!!! Scott and I have been fighting like crazy over the fact that he doesn't show emotion, he doesn't share or talk about his feelings. He's not a touchy feely kind of guy. He's not a jealous kind of guy. He's a macho man. Fuck off macho man!
I'm sitting on the floor in the bathroom and I holler for him to hurry in there I had something to tell him. So, I tell Scott that I figured out why she was leaving him for his best friend. She wasn't getting what she needed from her husband, and the best friend happened to be there and fill the gap. Intended or not, it made her turn on her husband and turn to another man. Husband guy is also a macho man!
Well, the lightbulb finally went off over Scott's head too. YAY! We had a much better weekend.
Look, I have no desire to look for anyone else or to be with anyone else. I love Scott and I don't want to ever be without him. But feeling the way that I have lately made me realize how a person could become vulnerable. I'm not a liar and I'm not a cheater. I would never cheat on Scott, ever. When I have sex dreams, it's ALWAYS Scott and I. That's how much I love being with him. (I know, TMI). But I wanted him to realize that you have to give a little.
I know how Scott is. He grew up a lot different than I did. I'm a touchy feely person and he's not. I know that about him and I try to accept it. He knows how I am.....so I proposed the "meet in the middle" method. I'm not sure how close to the middle we'll be, but he's trying. This weekend he told me that I looked "exceptionally beautiful today" and it made me cry. I was in my paint clothes and my hair was messy and had paint in it. And he hugged me while I cried my eyes out. Can you see why I love this guy so much!
But, my journey to a less stressful and anxiety free self is creating some tension here at home. I've discovered (and I've already written about this) I take responsibility for everything and I never made people take responsibility for their behavior. I'm trying very hard to change my way of thinking. And this even applies to Scott. We're working on it though. Anyhow, we made an agreement. If one of us feels that the other is being crabby, mean, bitchy....you get the idea, we pull the other person aside and nicely communicate that to the other person. We had to do that a couple of times this weekend and it worked wonderfully.
I think we'll actually be ok with this until Scott has to go to Chicago next Monday for 3 days. My problem, I've discovered, is that I do not trust men. My therapist is really going to have her hands full with me this week. Did I already post about this? I hope I'm not repeating myself cos that would really be lame. We'll talk more about this as we get closer to next wednesday.
Anyhow, he's got to drive to Chicago and I'm NOT happy about it. Matter of fact, I want to kick his ass over it. The fact that we've had some issues lately doesn't help. Unhappy people do stupid things. Scott told me that he's been unhappy......we've been ok over the weekend....but he's said it to me recently. So, true to form, I'm fucking freaking out over this trip! I'll get to my point:
In the midst of all of this weekend, Scott tells me that his friend from work and his wife have split up. I don't want to say any names because I know both of them and they are both super nice people that Scott and I both like personally. Well, he told me that they had split up just about two weeks ago. I asked Scott why? He said that SHE had feelings for somebody else. YIKES!
Well, I was shocked. Seriously, they have kids and I just never thought that they would be the type to split up. Some people you can just tell that it's a matter of time, but not these two. They've been together longer than I've known Scott. Matter of fact, I think he was the first friend of Scott's that I met when we started dating.
Anyhow, we have been painting over the weekend. The bedroom, touching up in the bathroom, and the kitchen. Scott even cleaned the carpet in the livingroom. I'm in the bathroom scraping caulk from next to the tub, so I can re-do it and he comes in and says, "oh did I tell you who the other guy is?" Ummmmm, no. How do I know?
Well, turns out SHE has feelings for her husbands BEST FRIEND (now EX) who also works with the husband and Scott at the same shop. Well, this was an interesting turn of events. I was shocked. I know you're asking me why I'm sharing this with you right? You don't know who I'm talking about and you don't care.
I'll get to my point. I was thinking about this, and wondering how this can happen to two people who have been together for a while and seemed really happy. I swear a lightbulb appeared over my head. It's what I've been saying to Scott for months....sort of.
When one person in a marriage isn't getting what they need in the marriage, it makes them more vulnerable. BINGO!!!! Scott and I have been fighting like crazy over the fact that he doesn't show emotion, he doesn't share or talk about his feelings. He's not a touchy feely kind of guy. He's not a jealous kind of guy. He's a macho man. Fuck off macho man!
I'm sitting on the floor in the bathroom and I holler for him to hurry in there I had something to tell him. So, I tell Scott that I figured out why she was leaving him for his best friend. She wasn't getting what she needed from her husband, and the best friend happened to be there and fill the gap. Intended or not, it made her turn on her husband and turn to another man. Husband guy is also a macho man!
Well, the lightbulb finally went off over Scott's head too. YAY! We had a much better weekend.
Look, I have no desire to look for anyone else or to be with anyone else. I love Scott and I don't want to ever be without him. But feeling the way that I have lately made me realize how a person could become vulnerable. I'm not a liar and I'm not a cheater. I would never cheat on Scott, ever. When I have sex dreams, it's ALWAYS Scott and I. That's how much I love being with him. (I know, TMI). But I wanted him to realize that you have to give a little.
I know how Scott is. He grew up a lot different than I did. I'm a touchy feely person and he's not. I know that about him and I try to accept it. He knows how I am.....so I proposed the "meet in the middle" method. I'm not sure how close to the middle we'll be, but he's trying. This weekend he told me that I looked "exceptionally beautiful today" and it made me cry. I was in my paint clothes and my hair was messy and had paint in it. And he hugged me while I cried my eyes out. Can you see why I love this guy so much!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Changing My Tune!
I can be such an ass sometimes. I'm writing in green tonight. Want to know why? Of course you do. Because I hate green and when I'm writing in my journal and I need to put in information on Paul or something that he does, I write in green....that way it sticks out and I can easily find that information later.
So, tonight I'm in green. Because if green means asshole, then tonight, I'm green.
I've been bitching and crying about having two jobs and about not being able to sell our house and for having 3 car payments, and on, and on, and on. At the same exact time, I have a very good friend who is a single mom. She has just packed up her 3 kids and moved across the country in a quest to give them a better life.
Do you know what she is asking for? She is asking for her own place to live. A home to call her own, to raise her kids in, for her kids to have roots. She wants to work and she is smart as hell! All my friend is asking for are the necessities of life that some of us (i.e. me) take for granted.
I'm not saying that my stress isn't real and that I don't have problems that I need to get off my chest. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I totally use it as a stress reliever to keep my sanity. It's my therapy. But sometimes, you need to have a little slap of reality. Be thankful for what you have even if you are stressed and worried. I have a roof over my head and a good job. I'm not worrying about these things on my own anymore. I used to be a single mom so I know how hard it is. I was a single mom for almost 5 years and it's hard to have the responsibility of being both parents. I don't have to do it alone anymore and I take that for granted sometimes. Stupid.
So, tonight I am not going to bitch and complain about anything. I'm going to say that I am thankful for what I have and I'm thankful to have such a great family and great friends. My friends are always so good to me and they support me when I need them most. One of my friends is really struggling right now and I wish I knew how I could help her. She's a great person and she really needs for someone to give her a break. I'm going to say a prayer for her tonight and ask that doors are opened for her and that whatever plan God has for her, that He will give her strength and hope. Something great is waiting for her just around the corner....I just know it.
So, tonight I'm in green. Because if green means asshole, then tonight, I'm green.
I've been bitching and crying about having two jobs and about not being able to sell our house and for having 3 car payments, and on, and on, and on. At the same exact time, I have a very good friend who is a single mom. She has just packed up her 3 kids and moved across the country in a quest to give them a better life.
Do you know what she is asking for? She is asking for her own place to live. A home to call her own, to raise her kids in, for her kids to have roots. She wants to work and she is smart as hell! All my friend is asking for are the necessities of life that some of us (i.e. me) take for granted.
I'm not saying that my stress isn't real and that I don't have problems that I need to get off my chest. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I totally use it as a stress reliever to keep my sanity. It's my therapy. But sometimes, you need to have a little slap of reality. Be thankful for what you have even if you are stressed and worried. I have a roof over my head and a good job. I'm not worrying about these things on my own anymore. I used to be a single mom so I know how hard it is. I was a single mom for almost 5 years and it's hard to have the responsibility of being both parents. I don't have to do it alone anymore and I take that for granted sometimes. Stupid.
So, tonight I am not going to bitch and complain about anything. I'm going to say that I am thankful for what I have and I'm thankful to have such a great family and great friends. My friends are always so good to me and they support me when I need them most. One of my friends is really struggling right now and I wish I knew how I could help her. She's a great person and she really needs for someone to give her a break. I'm going to say a prayer for her tonight and ask that doors are opened for her and that whatever plan God has for her, that He will give her strength and hope. Something great is waiting for her just around the corner....I just know it.
A Tough Decision
I just wanted to pop in quick....it's super late and I'm very tired. My day started at 5am and I didn't get home until after 6pm. Thank goodness I have the next 5 days off.
I had a topic in mind to talk about tonight, but I'm just too tired. The events of the day have left me exhausted. I went in early to work to attend the staff meeting. I was late of course, but I had to let the dog out since Jason didn't do it and the neighbor dog was out. The neighbor dog is much more interesting to Bailey than getting her stupid ass in the dog kennel to do her businese.
Anyhow, I was late...but only a few minutes. Oh well.
I went on a job interview. It's amazing to me that the people of Michigan claim there are no jobs. I have had 3 job offers in the last 2 months and I'm not really trying. Anyhow, I was interviewed for a small business, they are in the business of placing workers with employers. Almost like Manpower, but on a more personal level. There are three partners and they were fantastic when I met with them. They made me feel at ease and they offered me a very good wage. I can keep my job with TMAT while I work for this new employer. If things go good, I will leave TMAT once I get down the road a few months.
That's between you and I, ok.
Anyhow, one of the owners called before I even got home to offer me the job. I called him back and accepted it....and proceeded to have a severe anxiety attack. I think I even scared Scott. It was ugly and I actually took double my medication for anxiety.
I don't like change. I love the job I have and the only reason I have sent any resume's has been under duress. (i.e. Scott has bugged the piss out of me until I sent some). At the same time, my job has become so stressful. I have cried every single day this week at work due to stress. They sent my son on a job that was a domestic violence issue. The woman, 6 months pregnant, had a husband who'd broken her nose and gave her a concussion. He is in jail, but his family threatened the wife and her family. My son and his driver were sent into this situation (the state of MI was paying to have her moved to a safe residence) they were sent to this move without any advance knowledge of the danger at this home.
Jason said that there were gang kids walking up and down the sidewalk and that the house was in the "hood". He also told me that at the end of the job, the entire family started freaking out and they were screaming at Jason and his driver that they had to leave, NOW, because the husbands family had pulled up in front of the house in their car. Jason said that he was actually pretty nervous about the whole move.
You know when the Kent County DHS gets involved in an emergency move that things are BAD. My 17 year old son was sent to this residence without any preparation. I feel that I was deliberately not told about the situation because there was another crew that could have taken that job and I would have insisted that they not sent my son.
I stay out of his business at work. When I don't like what's going on with his hours, or other things that come up....I keep my fucking mouth shut. I'm his mom, but I let him handle it so he won't be embarassed. I also don't want them to take things out on him because of something that I say. The worst part of it is that there are favorites. The two people doing the schedule have their favorites. One of them just won't schedule Jason at all. The other says that Jason is one of his main guys. I dont' agree with how things happen in the office on a regular basis, but I keep my mouth shut. If Jason is unhappy with his hours, I let him address it with the managers.
But this was over the top and I'm still upset over it. I lost my cool yesterday and only worked a couple of hours because I was so mad that my head felt like it would explode if I didn't leave. Today wasn't much better.
I love my son and I feel like if I leave this job I am abandoning him and i won't be there to protect him. And it's not just him. When it comes to our movers, I have their back. I always defend them and give them the benefit of the doubt. Other's in my office do not feel that way. So I feel like if I leave, I am leaving Jason to the wolves. I don't know what to do. I'll keep both jobs for a while, but I'm not happy about it.
Guess I had something to say afterall tonight. Night all!
I had a topic in mind to talk about tonight, but I'm just too tired. The events of the day have left me exhausted. I went in early to work to attend the staff meeting. I was late of course, but I had to let the dog out since Jason didn't do it and the neighbor dog was out. The neighbor dog is much more interesting to Bailey than getting her stupid ass in the dog kennel to do her businese.
Anyhow, I was late...but only a few minutes. Oh well.
I went on a job interview. It's amazing to me that the people of Michigan claim there are no jobs. I have had 3 job offers in the last 2 months and I'm not really trying. Anyhow, I was interviewed for a small business, they are in the business of placing workers with employers. Almost like Manpower, but on a more personal level. There are three partners and they were fantastic when I met with them. They made me feel at ease and they offered me a very good wage. I can keep my job with TMAT while I work for this new employer. If things go good, I will leave TMAT once I get down the road a few months.
That's between you and I, ok.
Anyhow, one of the owners called before I even got home to offer me the job. I called him back and accepted it....and proceeded to have a severe anxiety attack. I think I even scared Scott. It was ugly and I actually took double my medication for anxiety.
I don't like change. I love the job I have and the only reason I have sent any resume's has been under duress. (i.e. Scott has bugged the piss out of me until I sent some). At the same time, my job has become so stressful. I have cried every single day this week at work due to stress. They sent my son on a job that was a domestic violence issue. The woman, 6 months pregnant, had a husband who'd broken her nose and gave her a concussion. He is in jail, but his family threatened the wife and her family. My son and his driver were sent into this situation (the state of MI was paying to have her moved to a safe residence) they were sent to this move without any advance knowledge of the danger at this home.
Jason said that there were gang kids walking up and down the sidewalk and that the house was in the "hood". He also told me that at the end of the job, the entire family started freaking out and they were screaming at Jason and his driver that they had to leave, NOW, because the husbands family had pulled up in front of the house in their car. Jason said that he was actually pretty nervous about the whole move.
You know when the Kent County DHS gets involved in an emergency move that things are BAD. My 17 year old son was sent to this residence without any preparation. I feel that I was deliberately not told about the situation because there was another crew that could have taken that job and I would have insisted that they not sent my son.
I stay out of his business at work. When I don't like what's going on with his hours, or other things that come up....I keep my fucking mouth shut. I'm his mom, but I let him handle it so he won't be embarassed. I also don't want them to take things out on him because of something that I say. The worst part of it is that there are favorites. The two people doing the schedule have their favorites. One of them just won't schedule Jason at all. The other says that Jason is one of his main guys. I dont' agree with how things happen in the office on a regular basis, but I keep my mouth shut. If Jason is unhappy with his hours, I let him address it with the managers.
But this was over the top and I'm still upset over it. I lost my cool yesterday and only worked a couple of hours because I was so mad that my head felt like it would explode if I didn't leave. Today wasn't much better.
I love my son and I feel like if I leave this job I am abandoning him and i won't be there to protect him. And it's not just him. When it comes to our movers, I have their back. I always defend them and give them the benefit of the doubt. Other's in my office do not feel that way. So I feel like if I leave, I am leaving Jason to the wolves. I don't know what to do. I'll keep both jobs for a while, but I'm not happy about it.
Guess I had something to say afterall tonight. Night all!
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