Meltdown

I've already talked about this a little bit on Beth's Blog.  Sorry for repeating myself.

Today, I came damn near a breakdown...as close as I've ever come in my life.  There has been so much going on in my life.  I have felt like hell for weeks, working this medication out of my body.  I'm upset about some things going on at work.  My poor Grandma was stuck for two weeks in Laurels of Kent....that was a horrible thing.  Beyond horrible!

Lot's of things.  Lots' of stress.  Kids, work, house for sale, you name it....it's been stressing me.  And Kim lost her battle with Cancer on Friday.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I've sat here wondering why I'm taking everything so hard.  It's not like my life sucks.  I have this terrible sadness in my heart for Kim and her family.  I pray for them, for their strength and guidance and as they learn how to live their lives without Kim.  She was a wonderful person.

So, as my mood darkened it scared the hell out of me.  I made an appt with our family doctor and then an appt with the Nutritionist at Metro for Monday.  I feel like I made two steps in the right direction.  I fear that my next step is to actually sit down and talk with someone once a week, just till I get myself in the right direction.  I scared myself today.  And I scared Scott.  I haven't felt like this before, not since being married to Paul. 

I felt so bad because it's Scott's birthday today.  What a birthday!  I was just having about the worst day and I decided I needed to come home.  So, away I went, and Scott got home just after me.  The kids were making me crazy...as usual....but don't get me wrong.  I love them, with all my heart.  Just sometimes, they make me crazy.  I asked Scott to take me out to dinner for his birthday.  He wanted to stay home and cook but I just needed to get out of the house.

I'm so thankful that we went.  I love Scott more than words can say.  He is my rock!  He makes me feel better and he knows just what to say to help me feel better.  We agreed that we would go ahead and make changes together.  To our eating habits and our lifestyle.  We both need to be healthier.  He is 45 years old today and I want us both to be healthy.  We both want some great things in our future and we want to see our Grandkids born and grow up.  So, we don't want to die young.

I did a bunch of resesarch and talked to my doctor.  Scott and I ordered Ultra90 yesterday online.  There are alot of radio commercials for it.  It's all-natural so it won't bother my blood pressure meds.  I pray that once I have some weight lost and have myself in better shape, I can be off ALL my meds.  Period.

Boy I'm just all sunshine and daisy's lately huh?

I think that all the things going on in my life right now have made me take a good look at myself.  I want to change.  I look at Beth's postings and I'm so fucking proud of her.  She is making better choices for herself.  She has so much courage.

Scott and Tina have both promised me to help in anyway they can.  I know they mean it!  So, I know I've said it over and over, but I have to do something different.  I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow and on Monday I'll see the Nutritionist at Metro.  Both know that I'm having trouble.  I'm in big trouble right now and I have to fix it right now before something really bad happens.

Scott was so great today.  I love him so much that it actually hurts my heart, in a good way.  I've never felt that kind of love before.  He is my best friend and I don't want to miss out on even one minute of our life together.  He's a good man and he did everything in his power to make me feel better today.  It was his birthday and he spent his day supporting me and getting me through a rough patch.  I love him for it.  I'm so lucky to have found him and I don't deserve him.  I'm thankful every single day that I have him in my life.  I love him and he's my best friend....forever!