So What Do You Need A Cell Phone For?

This is really hard to admit!  Today, I cut loose on my kids.  I slept terrible last night and felt like hell when I woke up this morning.  Scott was at work so I just laid here in bed listening to the chaos between the four kids out in the kitchen and living room. 

This kids were yelling and fighting with each other.  I don't get it, Jason is almost 18 and Jourdan is almost 15!  I mean, they were sinking to the level of a 6 year old and a 2 year old.  My head was aching and my heart was pounding like crazy.  I had an anxiety attack coming on.

Then, the phone rings and it's Scott.  I can hear Jourdan tell him I'm in bed and hand up.  That's what did it.  I called him back quick and then I went after the kids.  I'm so sick of how they take advantage of me.  They walk all over me.  I have to constantly fight with them to do the very limited chores they are responsible for.  I mean, Jourdan empties the dishwash and Jason takes the garbage out.  About half the time he feeds and waters the dog.  That's it.

We give these kids so much and they are so ungrateful.  I guess, as parents, we owe it to them.  I just paid $1000 for jourdan to go on an East Coast trip, and in a few weeks she'll need probably $300 or so in spending money.

Then, Lowell won the State Championship in football.  Well, the Football State Championship ring was $305 and he would die if he didnt' get one.  Everyone was getting one and it was a once in a lifetime chance for him.  Well, I agree with that since he's not playing college ball.  My problem is that Paul doesn't want to pay for any of this.  I can't count of him to help with clothes or shoes, trips or rings.  I had to put $100 down for graduation stuff and still owe $95 and he has to get it this week.  It has his announcements.

These kids feel like we are made of money.  I try to leave a list of two or three things I want them to do after school, while i'm at work.  So you think they will do ANYTHING beyond what is on that list?  And what they do accomplish, they do half-assed!  It's so frustrating.

Now, Scott and I are fighting about Jason's cell phone.  It ws always the understanding that once he started working he would pay fo rhis part of the phone.  It was about $20 but he wanted unlimited text.  He begged me for weeks.  It put our bill up by about $40 more.  So, I tell him, just pay for your $20 and $10 toward texting etc.  Well, he gave me $20 one time a very long time ago.

Now we are eligible to upgrade because our contract is up.  Verizon has the best phones and I want a new phone so bad.  We are looking at them today at Best Buy and Scott picks a fight with me about Jason's phone.  He wants him to get his own service plan and pay his own phone.  First of all, he's not 18.  We just had this huge discussion about it today and I got it across to Jason that I want him to pay for his phone.

Scott just won't budge.  He picks this huge fight with me and of course  I'm upset.  We're in Best Buy and he's trying to buy me a new computer.  I dont' want the fuckin computer. 

Right now I am fragile.  I do not feel good.  Dr. Kern's office called with some of my results yesterday.  They found some problems with my blood work.  My tryclicerides for one, well that's a given knowing that I need to lose weight.  My cholesterol was 170 and that is really good.  But there is something happening with my pancreas.  This is why I have had the constant nausea and can't seem to get weight off.

Enough about that.  I don't feel good, so what else is new.  My mentally, I'm dangerously close to the edge.  It's hard for me to admit that here.  When Scott and I got home from Grand Rapids I locked myself in our room and cried my eyes out.  I finished reading my book, and I guess I took a little nap. 

Sami cam in shortly after I woke up and proceeded to throw up all over her blankets, pillows, rice bag, and it was so disgusting, I almost threw up too.  Well, that just topped off my day.

I tried like hell to talk to Scott about my feelings and about Jason.  I'm so disappointed in myself.  I told them to pack up their shit and move to Pauls when school got out.  Jason left the house shortly after, he had his backpack, and I finally called him tonight and he said he was spending the night at Nicks.  Nice of him to let me know.  He said he wanted to cool off.  Ok, fair enough.  I was pretty hard on him today.

So, here I lay at midnight wide awake.  Dr. Kern called me in some sleeping pills but I'm trying really hard to get away form the meds.  She's not a pill pusher by any means and she doesn't like to write prescriptions, but if people honestly need them, she's ok with it.  I'm just afraid to get onto a sleeping pill.

For weeks I was sleeping so hard and I was having nightmares.  Horrible nightmares that I could remember when I woke up.  At least now, I'm not remembering any dreams.  Scott told me that I woke him up crying in my sleep the other night.  He said I was really wailing.  I don't remember it and don't know what I was crying about.  Who knows.

I just feel like I want to get back to a normal life.  I almost dont' know what normal is anymore.  Myh life seems so fucked up right now.  I know I'm not right, emotionally.  Don't know what to do with it.  Seriously.  But I guess that's why I'm going to see the nutritionist and a therapist on 'Tuesday!

Ok, I'm dead tired and I'm so tired.  Feeling like shit all day takes it out of me.  And fighting with Scott tonight just tops off my day.  Dont' kow what I'm going to do, I'm at about my limit for stress.  I'm afraid of what might happen.