Finally Feeling Positive....Well Maybe Just A Little

I got a new computer for Mothers Day, did I tell you that?  It''s really pissing me off because I'm having a hard time getting used to it.  It has a 10-key on it, which is what I wanted to bad because I do alot of taxes and I use my computer for bookkeeping.  So, everything is shifted a little to the left and I'm just having trouble getting used to it.  My sister has one just like it and she said it took her a while to get used to is too.

Ok, enough about that.  Today is Sunday, and it was a really nice day.  Scott had to work until noon, but that wasn't so bad.  OT is a beautiful thing.  The buzz saw laying next to me right now....not so much, lol.  I don't know if it's because he's so tired or if it's because Jason mowed the lawn that he's so snotty.  But like I said before, the man can snore.  I swear the shingles are probably off the roof of the house over his side of the bed.  It's so funny because he keeps waking himself up and then he'll look over at me (he's doing it right now) and gives me the stink-eye.  Like he's saying, "why did you wake me up?"  Ummmmm, both hands on the keyboard buddy!  Even though I have been known to throw a mean elbow, I've contained myself tonight because I know he's had such a long week.

Update:  I'm finally feeling like I am getting through this fog.  Have you ever taken medication for anxiety?  It's a real bitch when you go off it.  Headaches, nausea, anxiety, agitation, irritability, can't sleep.  All these fun things have been beating me down for the last four weeks or so.  My life has been testing me.....testing me right to the edge of my sanity.  I knew if I could get through this funk I would feel better.  I am starting to feel better, but my anxiety attacks have come back.

It's the craziest thing because you have anxiety attacks so you start taking meds.  You feel better on the meds and think you don't need to take them anymore so you go off the meds.  Then voila, anxiety attacks come back.  It's not rocket science.  Well, I already said I talked to a therapist last week.  No, I'm not crazy or suicidal or anything like that.  The therapist said some great things to me in the first meeting we had.  She told me that medication only masks the anxiety but doesn't address it.  You cover it up with medication and then you don't deal with what is really causing the anxiety attacks.

Have you ever had an anxiety attack?  They suck.  First, you chest feels tight, you start to breathe hard and then faster because you feel like you can't get enough breath.  You get more and more upset and then you feel dizzy and it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest.  Then, you hyper-ventilate and maybe even pass out.  That's what happened to me a couple weeks ago.  Scared me to death and got me to the doctor.  Well, all my bloodwork says I'm normal....with the exception of egg whites.  I know I already wrote that....but how silly.

So, the therapist is going to help me figure out how to stop the anxiety attacks.  For a long time I could stop them on my own.  When I felt them coming on I could breate slow, very slow and deep and count to ten.  Close my eyes and breathe.  Usually, it would go away.  Hasn't been working lately.  But I'll get it figured out.  Scott has really been great and he's been helping me to stay calm.  He's the best.  He can be a real shit sometimes, but I wouldn't trade him for anything.  Even with the snoring, lol.

I am looking forward to meeting with the therapist again on Tuesday.  Something happened last week that literally took 3 days from me.  I was upset and was having severe anxiety attacks for 3 days over this one thing.  I don't want to share what it is here because I don't want to make things worse.  Then just when I started feeling better, Jason starts in on me this morning about his graduation party.

For crying out loud.  We've had a date planned for the last 6 months and he tells me a couple weeks ago he doesn't want to have his graduation party on a Saturday because he doesn't want to take time off from work.  Ok, so now what?  We don't have many options left in June since Paul took the next Sunday.  It's really going to be worth it too....who knows what kind of hillbilly party Paul is putting together for Jason.  Then you throw Father's Day in there....and Jason going to Ohio with Paul....well there doesn't leave much time for us.

Jason blamed me and told me it was because I waited too long.  WTF?  I've been thinking about it since last fall.  We went round and round this morning and there are just some traits that Jason has learned from his dad.  He had me so upset....everything was MY fault.....I'm a terrible mother for waiting til the last minute to plan his party.....I don't give a shit about him.....

I finally told him to go find something else to do.  He bitched some more and I told him to leave me alone.  Well, he went outside and then went off to Nicks.  Scott got home and all I could do was cry because I had told Jason to leave me alone.  I felt terrible for saying that.  I just couldn't take one more minute of him being so disrespectful and hurtful.  He knows what buttons to push with me and then he turns on me.  Starts saying shit like, "oh yeah I'm a terrible kid, I forgot".  Then I say, "no you're just disrespectful and I'm tired of it".  Jason: "That just means you're saying I'm a bad kid".  On and on and on.  Wouldn't happen if Scott was home.

I was talking to Scott about it and he asked if I wanted him to have a talk with Jason?  Well, I appreciate that but it wouldn't end well for Jason.  He acts like that and I still protect him.  Scott is very respectful of women.  He rarely swears, he's not a dog when it comes to looking or talking about other women, and he would never fart in front of me....not if his life depended on it.  It's so cute.  I don't know if it was the military or just the way his dad raised him, but I should have let him step in a long time ago with Jason.  There are many times when Jason acts more like Paul than I care to admit. 

But Paul has never changed and Jason still see's him and still see's how Paul is with his wife.  Paul never had an ounce of respect for any woman.  Not his mom, any of his wives, any woman...period.  It's not a quality that I want Jason to have and I don't want him to treat his wife that way some day.  So, I'll probably give Scott the go ahead.  Scott told me that Jason will get out on his own for a couple of years and then he will realize how good he had it here and how much I did for him.  That's when the respect will show up.  Maybe that's how it was for Scott?  I'm not sure.  If his mom was here I would love to ask her.  But even when she was alive, she told me that Scott had always been respectful of women.  I'll bet his dad was the same way.  John Watkins.  Grandpa John, who we named John after.  I wish I would have known him too.

Well, I sure covered alot of topics tonight.  I'm sitting here in bed and I actually feel pretty good today.  Other than the deal with Jason this morning, it was a good day.  Scott and I planted my rose bushes in the back yard by the porch and my blueberry bushes on the back of the house.  I also transplanted my Rosemary into a large planter.

Jason got me cherry tomatoes for Mother's Day, but they are still in my kitchen.  They are blooming like crazy, I can't believe how many flowers are on them.  I'm just worried about planting them outside yet.  This is Michigan for crying out loud.  I'm going to wait till Memorial Day weekend.  I'm also worried about bunnies eating the plants.  That's what happened to our garden...the bunnies and squirrels ate all my plants.  And these tomato plants are beautiful ones.  I know they weren't cheap and he spent his own money.  I appreciated them very much and I'll plant them when it's safe.

Well, it's after 11pm and I should get some rest.  Tomorrow is Monday....I hate Mondays.  Sami had a stomach bug all last week and was shitting and shitting.  I mean, the kind of shitting that you could shit through a key hole from twenty paces...kind of shit.  Bad for just getting her potty trained.  Now, John is sick.  He didn't get the tummy thing as bad as Sami but he has a really bad cold.  He's running a fever and can't stop coughing.  I'm probably going to have to take him to the doc tomorrow if he doesn't feel any better.  Today, he sounded horrible.  I gave him some night time cold medicine and he's snoozing in a little nest next to my bed.  He should be in his own bed, but when he gets it in his chest like this, I like him to be in here where I can listen for him. 

Last night I covered his feet with Vicks and put socks on him.  It helps him stop coughing and I'll probably do that when I sign off...even though he's asleep.  Poor baby.

To my friend Beth, I'm thinking about you and wondering how you're doing.  I've been thinking about you all week.  I know you're tackling a tough thing right now, but you are strong!  You're in my thoughts every single day and I hope today was better than yesterday. 

Night!