I am sitting here in bed wondering what I should be writing about tonight. I have a great opportunity being offered to me, and I'm really having a hard time making a decision.
I've actually spent three weeks in therapy talking about this. Sami has been giving me such a hard time about wanting to me be home. It's not that she doesn't like going to Addie's, she absolutely loves it. But she wants me to be home. Everytime I tell her that it's my day off, she tells me how happy she is.
I want to be a stay at home mom. More than anything, I want to be a stay at home mom. We can afford it and the kids miss me. I can't keep up on the housework or the laundry. I'm too tired at the end of the day to take care of anything that the typical mom really needs to do.
So, I have this opportunity to leave my job and stay at home. A few weeks ago I made a list for an entire week. I wrote down every single thing I did.....did I already talk about this? Well, as it turns out, I go to work and on top of that I have a full-time job as a mom. So, Scott is on board. That's good.
So what the hell is stopping me? The money, a little bit. After gas and daycare I'm not making enough for it to really be worth it and Scott has had two raises this year, which makes up for the money I'd be losing. He's even been willing to work overtime to make sure we are ok, financially.
My therapist was really tough on me today. Seriously, she laid into me about the whole work thing. What have I done to resolve my work issues since we talked last week? Nothing! Absolutely NOTHING! It's ridiculous. I'm 41 years ago and I don't like change. So much that I'm not willing to leave a toxic job to be home with my kids. What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's like I just crave the attention I get at work. Positive or negative. It's so damn ridiculous and I piss myself off. It makes me crazy that I can't just make a decision. I want to give my notice to my boss but I can't seem to force myself to do it. Jason works there and I am afraid that if I leave things might not go well for him.
Dr. Winters told me that I keep coming up with these excuses because I don't want to step out of my comfort zone. True. I feel like I protect Jason, but I also know that he is 18 years old and if they treat him like shit, he will simply leave and find another job. Don't know what I'm worrying so much about.
Speaking of Jason, he just got home...gotta run!
I have a question. You said "It's like I just crave the attention I get at work. Positive or negative." Is it possible that you don't get the validation you crave from your family for all the work you do at home and feel that you really wouldn't get it if you were "just" a stay-at-home mom? That's really a hypothetical question because I think we both know the answer.
ReplyDeleteI've been cut down by people because I don't work (yet) and spend my time at home. I don't care, though, because I know how much I do. You do too, and I think I sent you the little story titled "Today I Didn't Do It." If I didn't, let me know and I'll send it to you.
When I did work I got praise constantly for all the great work I did. It felt really good to have someone recognize all the hard work I'd put into a project to get a job done better than it needed to be. At home I barely get a 'thanks' for anything I do from my kids. It does happen but not with the same gusto I got from my bosses and co-workers. Still, I know in my heart just how much my kids love me being here and everything I do for them. All the random hugs and kisses tell me so even if the words aren't there.
Or, perhaps you feel guilty not working and bringing home some of the income. If that's the case, you shouldn't. Stay-at-home moms work the equivalent of two full-time jobs; and the satisfaction at the end of the day is much better. I say, if you have the opportunity to quit working, go for it. Jason is a big boy and can handle himself; and the younger kids need you at home, and you deserve to be with them more. Only you can make that final decision, though. I'm behind you 100% whatever you decide.