I Thought I Was Done

I have been thinking over the last week or so that I don't enjoy writing here as much anymore.  Sorry to drag up old baggage, but someone ruined it for me.  I know, I know....Beth told me to let it go.  But it just sits there in the back of my mind...nagging me. 

I can no longer write what I want.  I can't just write down whatever random thoughts pop into my head.  Why?  Well, hell, if you read my blog you know why.  I can't type just anything anymore because someone might be offended.  Someone might think I'm talking about a particular person and make it their business to gossip about it.

Seriously, I sat here tonight thinking to myself that I wasn't going to say "hi" and that I wasn't going to be posting for a while.  Still might be the case.

But, I wanted to talk about our weekend.  I feel so shitty right now, that talking about our weekend might make me feel a little bit better. 

Wait, before I get to that, let me say something.  There are so many people who know each other, are friends with each other, or may simply be family.  A person may be going through a hard time, and another person reading the blog might think......"quit your bitching, you've got the world by the ass".  But that's not always the case.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, the grass ISN'T always greener!

When I'm feeling shitty about something, some emotional issue or a personal problem that is going on in my life.....I HATE hearing that I should feel lucky.  I have a great husband and four great kids and a nice house and cars.  Well, I know that.  I am very lucky.  I appreciate how hard Scott works to take care of the kids and I.  I agree that I have a great husband, and I love him and my kids with all my heart.  I would die for my kids.

But that doesn't mean that my life is peachy-keen all the time.  This is totally not the topic I wanted to talk about tonight.  I wanted to talk about a trip to Ohio.  We went to a HUGE beautiful wedding this weekend that I was so glad to be a part of.  Scott's best friend Jim and his wife Lisa, their daughter Allie got married to the nicest guy this weekend.  That's what I wanted to talk about.  I think I'll have to save that for tomorrow because I don't want to talk about such a beautiful thing in the same post as my bitchiness.

With that said, let me ask you a question.  I know alot of you will answer "yes" to my question. 

Have you ever felt so alone in your life that you just don't know where to turn?  You don't know what to do because you feel like you don't have anyone to turn to?

That's a really tough place to be in life.  And the reason I went on and on above this is because that's the way I feel right now.  And if I were to call any of my regulars, I would get the above lecture.  How lucky I am....on and on and on.  I know that. 

I'm not trying to slam on Scott or make him out to be the bad guy here, he is there for me....most of the time.  The problem is that he works a fucking ton of hours.  And he's doing it for his family.  But he's tired and when he gets home all he wants is a little cat nap.  I can't deny a man a cat nap that's worked 13 hours, could you?  Then, by 7:30 pm, he's asleep.  So, I try to talk to him a little but he get's tired and he wants to sleep.  And if I try to keep talking to him....he gets cranky.  I would too.

With that said, and my sister and I have talked about this many times, you can't go to your family when there are little bumps in the road with your husband.  They hold it against him. 

Right now, I'm emotionally needy and Scott can't be there for me.  Add to the work thing, he's not a mushy kind of guy.  You see, you never really know a person until you've lived with him.  So you can tell me how lucky I am to have Scott....I agree.  You can tell me how hard it is to find a great guy like him.....I agree.  I wouldn't want to lose him for anything.

But what am I supposed to do when i'm going through some really heavy emotional crap?  Who do I turn to?  I've got nobody.  I used to have Janice........

I could tell her anything I wanted, and she didn't judge Scott.  She always calmed me down.  I miss her and I'm so sad that we aren't friends anymore.  I know what the Bible says about forgiveness, but my heart still hurts over what happened.  It hurts so bad that it's a physical pain.  I don't know if it's something that I will ever get over.  It's hard to lose a man that you love.  It's also to lose a best friend that you love.

You know, I've kept a journal since 1983 and someday they will all belong to Jourdan.  Because I know that she loves that kind of thing.  Since I cannot share all of my feelings here anymore, I'll have to turn to my journal where my thoughts will be kept private....for now anyhow.  I'll still post, but it'll be different now.  I used to look forward to it everyday.  What a bummer that someone ruined that for me.

And Beth, I'll still be reading every post you write on your blog.  No matter what, I love reading your posts.  Sometimes, I burst out laughing.  I'll have my headphones on listening to the music and I'll be reading and I wake Scott up from laughing.  You make my day.  You are my friend.  I know I've said it before, but I wish we were neighbors.  I can see us sitting across the table in the morning after getting kids off to school to drink tea or hot chocolate.....and chatting....and talking about our kids and our day.  That would be so great.  That's not to take away from what you have going on now, I know you're working hard to make a great life for you and your kids.  If I ever win the lottery or a rich old uncle kicks the bucket, I'm going to buy you a house next door to me, lol!

Well, enough for now.  I'm off to write in my journal....and I've been keeping a prayer journal for a while too.  Makes me feel better.  And I promise to be back to tell you about this wedding we went to.  500 people, the biggest wedding I've even been to.  And how much fun the kids had.

Til then, good night.