My friend Stacy posted on her Facebook that she was going to post something each day in November that she is thankful for. After all, Thanksgiving is just around the corner. So I'm going to do the same thing, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm finding that I have so many things to be thankful for, some that I've taken for granted.
I've been thinking alot about my life lately. My family and my friends! And about what's really important to me. I think turning 40 does that to you.....and smacks you even harder when you hit 41. Remember when 41 seemed ancient? Doesn't feel ancient now, not from where I'm sitting. What it does feel like....reality smacking me in the face.
My oldest son Jason just turned 18 years old. He's going to college and in two month's he'll move onto campus at Aquinas College. I'm really struggling with that. He knows it and I know it, but I'm doing my best to be supportive and positive.
I've said before that Jason works for the same company that I do. When I got to my office today I discovered that Jason wasn't a mover today, but a driver. And in our office and our industry, it's a really big deal! That means he was out driving the big 26 ft moving truck. He went to Secretary of State and got his Chauffer license, got his DOT card, and his road test. I want him to be 8 years old, but he's grown up. I'm really proud of him! He's a good kid and he is more responsible than many of our older employees.
Anyhow, when I got to work and discovered he was driving, I was really proud of him. It's alot of responsibility and he did a great job today. I got to talk to him a few minutes after his last job and he said things went really good. I wanted to make a big deal about it, but I didn't want to embarrass him....but I'm so damn proud of him!
You know, I was thinking about my Grandpa Condon today. I have the best memories of my Grandpa. He lives in a nursing home now and I can barely force myself to go visit him. I know, it incredibly selfish! I have these memories of my Grandpa and to see the way he is now, all I can do the whole time I am there is hold back tears, and then I cry all the way home! He doesn't know who we are when we go to visit and his mind isn't really there.
How terrible am I for not wanting to remember him that way, but the way that I do from only a couple years ago all the way back to my ealiest childhood memories? It's shameful. I pray that God is watching over him and that he is at peace. I don't know when it will be his time to go, but I pray that he is at peace.
I love my Grandpa. It's painful for me to see him that way. I don't want to regret that I didn't go see him as often as I should. I need to go and see him because it's been a while.
My grandpa has been the BEST grandpa. No kid could ask for a better grandpa. My grandparents lived on Weber St. right off the E. Beltline in Grand Rapids. At the time, it was living in the country. He had a huge garden, and we loved walking up the big hill because at the top was his potato garden. We always thought it was cool that you could see the E. Beltline from there.
I don't think that Jamie was born yet so she probably doesn't have these early memories of my grandparents place, but I know Tina does. Grandpa had a tire swing in one tree, some kind of disk swing in another tree, a swingset, and a hammock hung between two trees. We spent more time with our cousins swinging each other and trying to flip the other one out of that hammock. I mean, we spent hours playing out there.
And Grandma had a clothes line. It was HUGE. On both ends were metal bars that were cemented into the ground, but also went across the top. I remember asking my dad at least a hundred times whenever we would visit to lift me up so I could hang from the top bar of the clothes line. I wasn't tall enough to reach, but I would hang there until my arms couldn't stand it anymore, then I'd drop down and beg my dad to put me back up there.
Grandpa had bikes and big wheels, wagons, and anything else a kid would love. I remember there was quite a long sidewalk between the house and the garage. The side garage door would be open and the big overhead door would be open and I remember blazing a trail with my big wheel from the porch steps...down the sidewalk, into the garage...where I would make a huge loop and out the front door, through the grass back onto the sidewalk and up to the steps. I would make this loop over and over and over.
There was always something fun to do at Grandma and Grandpa's. My parents took us there every single weekend when we were kids. It's some of my best memories. I remember what their house looked like so vividly. I remember sitting in front of the TV when Grandpa would have Lawrence Welk on. I loved their house. I've even had several dreams about being at their house, I was an adult in my dreams, but they were there.
In Grandma's bedroom, there was a closet door that led to the attic. It had a winding staircase and the attic was tall enough that an adult could walk around up there. I remember going up there with Tina and we would look for old treasures. We were sure there was treasure up there, because it was so cool! I even remember what my Grandma's room looked like!
When we were young, we went to Grandpa and Grandma's every year on Christmas Eve. All the way home, Tina and I would stare out the window knowing for sure that we would see Rudolph's nose in the sky.
There are so many great memories I have with my Grandparents. My Grandma died when I was 19 and that was really hard on me. I miss her alot. You couldn't go to her house without eating something. She always had a bowl of baby red potatoes in the fridge, boiled, and ready to be sliced and fried for dinner. She always had those donuts that are crescent shaped and have glaze and nuts on them. She would love Scott. I hope that she can see us from Heaven because she was gone before any of her grandkids had kids of their own. I was the oldest and I'd just gotten married to my mistake....I mean, Paul.
I was on my way to my therapy appt this morning and I started thinking about my Grandpa, and I started to cry. I have all these great memories and it makes me so incredibly sad that my kids have never experienced that with any of their grandparents. Scott's parents both passed away when they were young. Paul's dad passed away from cancer back when I was pregnant for John....so about 8 years ago. Paul's mom was never the type to call and have the kids over, although I ran into her at Meijer not long ago and she nearly cried when she saw Jourdan. She hadn't seen her in a while and couldn't believe how big she'd gotten. It made me feel bad because we live so close to her. That same week, Jourdan took the kids on a bike ride and they stopped to visit her. She really loved seeing John and Sami too, which was nice of her. I think Sami reminds her of Jourdan when she was that age.
And, you know the deal with my parents. I've talked about it before. They aren't your typical grandparents and I'll say again, it makes me so incredibly sad. My parents are young grandparents and it breaks my heart that they aren't taking advantage of time that they could be spending with their grandkids.
Dr. Winters told me that when you have parents like mine, by the time they get to be grandparents...they usually start to get it. And then they become wonderful grandparents. She said that not all parents come around like that, and I think that's the category that my parents fall into. I've wanted to talk to my mom about this for the longest time. Dr. Winters told me that it won't change anything, and it could make things even more stressful between us. I believe her, but I also feel like I need to get it off my chest.
I'm the type of person that when something is bothering me, I need to take care of it RIGHT NOW! If Scott and I are fighting, I have to fix it right now. So, I've wanted to talk to my mom for...probably years. But it's become more and more important the last year or so. I told her that today. My concern is that she will take it as an attack and when I've tried to talk to her in the past, she gets defensive. And then she starts saying mean stuff about the way I am raising my kids and slamming on me. In a nutshell, it gets turned around on me.
I never said I was perfect. I'm human, I make mistakes! I feel like I have tried to do what's best for my kids at every turn. I love my kids and would give my life for each of them. I know I've make mistakes, kids don't come with an instruction manual so I did the best I could. I also know that I am going to be a different type of grandparent. I'm going to be there for my kids when they need me. I'm going to spoil my grandkids rotten and I'm going to call them up and invite them to come stay the night with us. Then, we'll do fun things. Movies, baking cookies, whatever their interests, I'm going to be there and be supportive of my kids and my grandkids. I'm going to be like my Grandpa. He wasn't always perfect either, but as I sit here right now....I sure have alot of great memories that he helped create. That's all a person can ask for.
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