As a parent, we want our kids to have a better life than we did growing up. I know that's true for me. I want my kids to have it easier than I had it growing up. And, to be perfectly honest, they have had it easier than I did as a kid. Things change. Technology changes. I would have never dreamt of having a TV, DVD, and satellite TV in my room....and a cell phone. Seriously, I thought I was cool because I had my own radio in my room.
If you read my blog you know I've been thinking alot about my childhood lately. I said in an earlier post that I had decided to seek out the positive moments from my childhood and focus on those. And it has felt really good. Remember I was talking about going to see my Grandpa and how hard that is for me? Well, I talked to my mom about it and I decided that I'm going to go see him regardless of how difficult it is for me....it's not about me. It's about letting my Grandpa know how much I love him and that he was the kind of Grandpa every little kid should have.
I'd hoped to go see him this weekend, but my body had other plans. I've had a case of the flu. I thought I felt better last night after being flat on my back most of yesterday....only to wake up this morning to throw up. I spent most of the day sleeping and finally, I'm just starting to feel better. I hate having the flu. Jourdan and Jason both had it and I pray that it avoids John and Sami. Scott can fend for himself...I'm pissed off at him right now.
Anyhow, I am still tired and feel weak. My body hurts from being sick but I have complete confidence in feeling back to myself tomorrow.
We have a short week next week and I'll be out of work early Monday for John's Thanksgiving music program. So, I figure I can go and visit him after that. I really miss my Grandpa. Not only do I miss him now, but I miss him as he used to be.
When I first opened my blog, I had full intention of talking about Jason. Haven't gotten there yet. I've been getting a taste of what it'll be like when he moves out. I've barely laid eyes on him in about 3 weeks. He's been busy with work, alot of hours, his friends, school, and alot of hunting at his dads. It's ok. He's 18 and he's enjoying his life, and I wouldn't want it to be any other way for him.
He came in from work tonight and wanted to get a quick shower before meeting his friends at the movies. He was in a hurry, but I'd just had a huge fight with Scott and what a mess. And it just hit me how much I've missed him the last few weeks. I know he needs to do his own thing and I know that he's just doing what a normal kid his age does, but he knew that I've been sick and then I'd been crying because Scott and I had been fighting. So, he hugged me. It really made me think of how much I miss seeing him. I kinda feel like it's a test run for when he does move out. And I'll be honest with you....it really sucks. For me, not for him.
He did tell me the other day that it felt good to sleep in his own bed and that he'd missed being home. That made me feel good but I didn't want to make a big deal about it. And I know when he moves to Aquinas in a few weeks that he'll be home on the weekends. Still miss him like crazy though.
Dr. Winters really put it into perspective for me. I've raised a really nice young man who is capable of going out into the world and surviving on his own. He doesn't need to be dependent on anyone, because he can take care of himself and that's the best gift a parent can give a child.
So, I have to look at it that way. I know I've made mistakes. I have regrets. After talking with my mom this week, she shared that she had regrets over things she'd done when I was younger. Funny thing was that I didn't even remember the incidents she was speaking of. I have a feeling it'll be that way with Jason too. Because, overall, I've done ok raising him and he's a good kid. He's mature for his age, and he's responsible. I'm proud of him.
Well, I know I've talked alot about this lately and you're probably tired of hearing about it. I'm sorry. It's been weighing heavy on my heart, and my blog is like a best friend who hangs on every word and is always understanding. Plus, I can always count on Beth to say something wonderful, lol. Until next time friends.....
Oh, the pressure of trying to think of something wonderful to say... :)
ReplyDeleteI know I don't have to tell you that you did a great job raising Jason. I don't even know him but I do know, from what you've said, that he's a great kid with wonderful values. He could've only gotten them from you and Scott. You know that, though.
As far as working on childhood memories is concerned, I give you credit. I don't have a lot of happy childhood memories. Nothing that makes me really smile, anyway; or look back fondly on anything that happened. My older years were the better ones; what I can remember of them, that is. You have inspired me, though.
Since I don't have too many memories of my own, and since I'm not really clsoe to my family, I think I'll concentrate on the wonderful memories I've had with my kids, and I'll try to make some more wonderful ones every day from now on.
I think it's great that you're visiting your grandfather and letting him know what a great guy he is. I don't have that option but it makes me feel really good knowing that you're doing it. I'm sure you'll feel terrific about it and that will be just one more great memory to add to your repertoire. Don't forget to write about it; I can't wait to hear everything.