Too Much To Say

The last time I wrote, I said I was feeling better.  I was done bitching.  I still feel that way, which is great.  We've had a couple of the most beautiful days, weather wise, in a really long time.  I had to take the Excursion to the gas station to fill it for our trip tomorrow and run into Meijer for a few things and I realized that the sky was pure blue.  I don't even remember the last time that I looked into the sky and saw a pure blue sky.  There was not one single cloud in site and it was beautiful.  It hasn't been too hot either, so we've had all the windows open and the central air turned off.

It's so funny because many nights I have a hard time deciding what to write about, and tonight I have several things on my mind.  The positive first I guess.  I don't know if it was just in the nice weather, or what....but yesterday I just felt so good (mentally).  I love days where the sun is shining and there is no humidity and the temp is about 72 degrees.  Well, that was yesterday.

I woke up and the sun was shining.  I had my coffee sitting at the table with my windows open and a fresh cool breeze blowing through the house.  I cleaned the house, did laundry, made the kids lunch...normal mom stuff.  I've been back to work for two years now and all of the sudden it hit me how much I miss it. 

About a year after we had John, we had decided to sell our business and move to Ohio to be with Scott's mom.  Once we did sell the store, I was a stay at home mom for the next 2 or so years.  I loved being home and I went back to work stricly out of necessity.  I don't let myself think about it very often because it upsets me.  But out of the blue yesterday I realized how much I miss being home and being a full-time mom.

Now, I know that when Beth reads this she will probably laugh because she's been writing about being home and wondering just how many times can you clean the house?  Maybe I'm feeling this way because I've been working for the last couple of years and I have a little one at home yet.  I'm not sure.  I'm just so damn busy during the week.

Scott will ask me if I've called this person or that person, or if I've done this or done that.  I have to remind him that I can't really get to much until Thursday...my day off.  Thursday and Friday are the two days that I do the nitty-gritty house cleaning and I catch up on laundry.  I do the grocery shopping, pay bills, make phone calls, and do whatever else needs to be done around here.

Maybe the kids being home on summer break is making me want to be here.  I honestly can't say I would feel the same in the winter time.  It's so damn cold and snowy in Michigan during the winter.  Not like I'd want to wrap the kids up and haul them out into the snowy cold weather.  Anyhow, the last couple of days I've really missed being home.  I even told Scott about it last night and about my temptation to sell our camper and my Excursion, buy another Ford Focus and quit my job.  He said that he's making enough again for me to stay home, but I pay the bills.  If we want ANYTHING extra, I have to work. 

Back to my day today....Jourdan, John, Sami, and I went out and about to fill the truck with diesel...to the tune of $115.01.  Yes, I said $115.01!  Is that insane or what?  I have a 44 gallon tank on the truck and it was on a 1/4 of a tank and it still cost that much to fill it.  Makes me sick....see why it crossed my mind to sell it?  Anyhow, we filled up, went to Meijer and then came home to vac out my truck and the Focus.  Scott drove the Trans Am today so I figured it was a good day to get them both clean.  Then Jourdan, bless her heart, washed both vehicles!  YAY Jourdan.

I've been wanting to clean out both of them for weeks but it's been so frickin hot.  Today, not so much.  So that's what we did.  Plus, I wanted the Focus to be clean for our trip in a few weeks.  Who knows if I'll have time to get to it later.

Well, that was my first thing I wanted to talk about.  My sudden urge to stay home with my kids.  I told Scott last night that he should just win the lotto and then I wouldn't feel bad about staying home, lol.  Hard to win when you don't play.  I don't like to waste my money on it when I know there is no way in hell we'd ever win.  I'm too cheap to piss away my money on it.

NEXT TOPIC:

While Beth is having some positive things happening with her ex, Paul....I am not having anything positive happening with my ex, Paul.  Ironic, isn't it????

Remember a couple weeks ago I was talking about Jourdan and the 8th grade dance?  I'm almost positive I wrote about it.  Well, I had bought her dress way back in the winter at Sears and I had told her that I'd buy her the nylons, bra, and jewelry but she needed to ask her dad to buy her black shoes.  We figured they would run $20-$30.  Well, when it came down to it, be backed out on buying her the shoes.  We were only a few days from the dance and he'd been up north for two weeks and told her that was the reason he couldn't give her money for shoes.

Excuse me?  WTF!  For as long as I can remember Jourdan has been going to a Daddy - Daughter dance with Paul down in Ohio.  (Paul's wife has family there.)  Each year they go down to Ohio and go to this dance.  Do you want to know who buys her the dress, shoes, and the necessities that she wore to all these dances?  ME!  Seriously.  If it had been up to Paul, there wouldn't have been a new dress each year for these dances or anything else.  So, each year I would buy her a dress and shoes to wear to these dances.  Not for Pauls sake, but for Jourdan.

So, it came down to Jourdan's shoes for the 8th grade dance and Paul and Jourdan got into a HUGE fight on the phone.  He yelled and swore at her, then hung up on her.  Are you kidding me!  This is how an adult treats his child?  Especially a very sensitive 14 year old girl.  He's such a fuck-head!  Anyhow, I bought her the shoes to go with her dress.  She'd cried and cried but I told her that there is always someone she can count on.  Me, and Scott! 

After the altercation on the phone, Jourdan wrote Paul a letter.  Remember me talking about this?  It was a brutal letter.  I should say it was brutally honest.  She really told him how it was....how she felt and how he'd hurt her.  She had also told him that he should treat others the way he wants to be treated and that if he wanted to be a part of her life, he needed to treat her better.

First off all, if you got a letter like that from your child, wouldn't you run to a phone as fast as you could to work it out with your daughter?  Wouldn't you call her up and say that you'd gotten the letter and can we go have something to eat and talk it over?  Or even just pick her up and take her for a drive to talk about her feelings.  Well, not if you are Paul.

He'd called her 3 days before she left on her East Coast trip to tell her to have a good time.  It was about a 30 second conversation and when Jourdan didn't say much, all he said was that he didn't "know where they'd gone wrong".  Hey Paul, you didn't know where you went wrong?  Why don't you give ME a call and I'll tell you exactly where you went wrong you fucking piece of shit!

The last conversation Jourdan had with her dad was him calling to see if she was coming over for the weekend.  It was the weekend of Jason's open house at Pauls.  Jourdan had been invited to a slumber party, she'd talked to Jason about it and it was all ok.  Jason's not stupid, he knows that Paul is mistreating her and he also knows that she didn't want to see Paul.  Well, the whole thing threw Paul into another temper tantrum and like a 2 year old he threw a fit.  He screamed at Jourdan, more swear words, and then hung up on her....AGAIN!

Of course, Jourdan was crying because Paul is screaming at her not to ever ask him for money, ever again.  What the hell does this have to do with money?  It's about the way that he treats his children.  Even Jason rarely goes over there. 

The point I'm getting at with all of this is that Paul still hasn't called to talk to Jourdan.  He hasn't spoken to her in 2 1/2 weeks.  How the hell can you live with yourself Paul?  She is your daughter.  The thing with Paul is if a situation doesn't benefit Paul in some way, or if it's not completely about him....he's just not interested.  He's one of the most selfish people I know.

In the 8 years that I was married to him, he dished out alot of abuse.  Now, he's verbally and mentally abusing Jourdan.  He is the biggest hypocrite.  He claims to be this great faithful Christian.  He goes to Church every week.  Gee Paul, do you know what "hypocrite" mean?  It's funny because I remember Jason calling him one when he was about 10 years old.  Even Jason knows what it means, but a 45 year old man does not.  Well, he'd have to admit that he wasn't perfect.

If Jourdan had written me a letter with even a tiny bit of the resentment that she'd written to Paul, I would have been calling her and taking care of it...NOW!  Not only that, but I would have apologized for hurting her feelings.  Parent's can have respect for children too.  It goes both ways.  If you do something hurtful to your child, or any other human being, be an adult and apologize for your mistake.  Just because Jourdan is not an adult doesn't mean that she shouldn't be apologized to.

I've gotten myself stirred up here.  I know that I've repeated alot of my story here, but you need to have the whole thing written in one place.  When Paul did call Jourdan to talk to her before her trip, he should have at least apologized for haning up on her.  He did it twice in one week.  I was raised that you don't ever hang up on someone.  You can quickly say, "bye" and hangup...but don't do the cold hang up.  It's rude.  I'm sure Paul felt he didn't have anything to apologize for.  It hurt Jourdan that he didn't even want to talk to her about the letter she sent him.

I talked to my therapist about this.  I told her how Jourdan had sent her dad a letter and she said, "good for her".  Well, I agree.  It was good for Jourdan to put up some boundaries and to stick up for herself.  It shows that she is strong and has courage.  I didn't have that at her age, and I admire that about her.

Jourdan knows that she has Scott and I to support her.  She's always had a very close relationship with Scott.  She was only 4 when we met him so they've been very tight since the beginning.  When I look back, I can see just how lucky I was to find Scott.  He was a single guy with no kids and I was a divorced mom with two kids.  I wish he and Jason were closer, but he does have a bond with Jourdan.  And something I've always admired about Scott is that he worries about the kids, just like a dad does.  Over the years when they've needed something, he'll work overtime to make sure we have the extra money for it.  School clothes, shoes, football expenses, etc.

Even this trip that Jourdan just took.  It was $1000 for this trip.  We had earned some in fundraisers, but the bulk of it was paid for by Scott.  He didn't even bitch when I had to take money out of the safe to get her some clothes for the trip.  She doesn't ask for much, and she needed some new summer clothes desperately.  All her stuff looked pretty crappy.  Then, he sent me with money to put on the debit card for spending money.

He's a good dad to the kids.  Neither one of us is perfect, but we try.  And we care.  I think it would break Scott's heart to get a letter like the one Jourdan sent to Paul.  But it would never happen because Scott doesn't put himself first.  He's a real dad.