Emotional Blackmail

I had started typing a post a couple nights ago, and it was quite lengthy.  I think I got tired and wasn't able to finish it....so it's been sitting in limbo.  And here I am, starting over. 

In my post I was talking about the trip that Scott and I are getting ready to take.  The 9 day trip that our kids are not going on with us.  You can see my hesitation I'm sure.  I had this big long speech about how my mom could make it easier for me.  She could give me reassurance and help me to calm my nerves about going without the kids.  Seriously, I'm having anxiety attacks over it.

Ok, not the point I'm trying to get at.  I had this long post about my disappointment over my mom not offering up some reassurance.  Like I already said in my comment section, to Beth, I've spent alot of time talking to my therapist about my parents and about my childhood.

As an adult who is pretty normal when it comes to being a parent, I'm protective of my kids.  I worry about them constantly.  I put my kids first.  I make sure they have what they need.  I am there for them when they need me.

Bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this.  As this adult that I just described, I keep looking to my parents and wondering when they are going to come to their senses and be the type of parent I am.  Everytime something happens, like withe the duct tape, I keep waiting for them to wake up and suddenly become normal.  According to my therapist, I have these expectations of my family. 

It's not bad for me to have these expectations.  After all, I feel like I'm pretty normal and what I've discovered is that I am doing something that is making me feel much worse than I need to.  When crazy shit happens, like with the duct tape, I look at my family and expect them to be like me, to be normal.  To not worry about a roll of duct tape.  When they don't act normal and they show their true dysfunctional selves, I can't figure it out.  I'm looking at them and I'm trying to make sense of it in my head.

Well, when you are dealing with dysfunctional people, you just can make any fucking sense out of their behavior.  This is what I'm trying to wrap my head around.  I've been making myself crazy wanting them to act like normal parents.  Well, what I feel should be normal.  Ya know, the way I am with my kids.  If I have something here in my home, my kids will not go without.  Bottom line.  And I'm not going to bitch about it.  And I'm not going to make them feel bad about it.

All the grief that I get from my mom about going away without my kids, it's emotional blackmail.  I didn't even realize it until this week.  I'm letting her crazy dysfunctional ideas affect my everyday life.  I'm letting her break me down to where I'm having anxiety attacks over leaving my kids home. 

Last year Scott and I were going away over 1 night to visit his friends in Ohio.  One lousy night away, our first in 6 years.  When my mom got here, she stood right here in my kitchen telling me how she and my dad NEVER left us kids to go anywhere overnight.  This is making me feel better....how?  For one thing, it was a lie.  My parents went away overnight every single year for the wedding anniversary and we'd stay with our Grandma or our Uncle Kev.

That morning, my mom had me completely broken down.  I was crying and I told Scott that I couldn't go.  There was no way I could go away overnight.  All of the sudden, mom to the rescue.  She changes her tune and tells me to just go, the kids will be fine.  What the fuck!  First you drag me down to where I'm a complete mess and then you try to rescue me by being the hero....telling me to just go because the kids will be fine and they'll have a great time???

Emotional blackmail.  I didn't even realize it until my therapist spelled it out very clearly.  My mom is clever.  She wants to be appreciated.  She wants to get the recognition she deserves.  She wants to be the doting Grandmother.  "Oh, Tracy didn't want to leave the kids but I convinced her to go.  They really need to get away and I told her the kids would be just fine and they'd have so much fun.  Aren't I a great person for helping her to get out of the house." 

My parents pretend to be these wonderful doting grandparents.  The truth is, my mom just feels put-out when she has to watch the kids.  They are an annoyance.  And my dad, well he just doesn't like the kids there at all.  Not just my kids.  Any little kids.  He doesn't like them.  He doesn't want them to touch anything in their house.  Remember I told you in an old post about how his stuff in his house is so much better than anyone else's stuff?  His is more important and for sure...one of these damn kids are going to break something, or make something dirty!

It's interesting because my therapist also told me that most of the time when parents struggle to be good parents, by the time they have grandkids they catch on.  But there are those few who still don't get it.  Welcome to my family.

So that's what I'm dealing with right now.  You might be thinking, "shut the hell up, you're going on a trip with your husband, what are you bitching about?"  If you know me well, you know how hard it is for me to leave my kids.  I feel guilty over going on a dinner date and leaving the kids home for 2 hours.  For so long, my life has revolved around my kids and I'm trying really hard to focus on Scott too.  A good marriage takes work and our marriage has been so good that I haven't focused on it in a while.  Well, that's when things can sneak up on you.  So, I'm working on that.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to control my anxiety over leaving the kids.  I've decided to have limited contact with my mom before the trip.  I know it will turn into a very bad emotional experience for me and I'll go away feeling worse than I already do.  And I can't change the way she behaves. 

I thought about calling her and trying to explain how I feel.  That never works, she turns it around on me.  She starts in on me saying, "oh yeah I'm a lousy mother, I know how you feel about me, what about the way you treat your kids...."  It's just not worth it.