Life Is To Short To Be Unhappy....

Scott told me a couple of days ago that his friend Doug, from work, was in the hospital.  He'd had a pace-maker put in a short time ago went home from the hospital and felt great.  Now, he's in his early 50's so he's not a really old guy.  His son works at the shop too.

I guess a couple weeks went by and he started to not feel good.  So, he ended up back at the hospital and he was diagnosed with MRSA!  Remember the big scare a couple of years back?  I remember it vividly because everyone was freaking out about hospitals and locker rooms.  People started getting really sick and then people started to die from it.  It's nothing to mess with and scary as hell.

So Scott told me earlier in the week that Doug was back in the hospital and he'd been diagnosed with MRSA.  I said, "should we go see him?"  He said no cos they were going to send him home within a day or two.

Well, Scott called me while I was at Meijer tonight and told me that Doug had just passed away.

What?  Doug is gone?  He's so young.  Of course I cried, right there in the store.  After I hung up with Scott the first thing I thought to myself was that life is too short to not like yourself.  But there is a problem.  You don't like yourself Tracy.

I've been thinking about that all night long.  I'm 40 years old and I'm not happy with myself.  I'm the only one who can change that.  I beat myself up over it all the time.  Yet, here I am still not liking myself.  And what I really mean by that is not liking what I see in the mirror.  I'm not healthy.

Anyone who needs to lose 35 or 40 pounds is not healthy.  The last time I had bloodwork done my tri-glycerides were high.  This is not a good thing.  I read up on it and discovered that it's very dangerous and will lead to heart disease.  That scares the hell out of me.  Yet....still....I don't like myself and I've done nothing to change.

WTF!  Why can't I get myself together here?  I'm an emotional eater.  I've talked about this quite a bit in therapy.  I'm supposed to be working on some journaling in between appt's but it's really tough to do.  It really brings out some bad emotional shit.  I know I need to get it out, but it's beating the shit out of me in the process.

I mean, look at my post a few days ago.  I'm dreaming about all this stuff that I keep drudging up.  Yet if I don't, I'll keep having anxiety attacks.  There's just no pleasing me right now.

So, I think that my need for weight loss is more than just bad eating habits.  It's a combination of that and an eating disorder that I haven't gotten to the bottom of.  I don't want to die young.  I don't want to die when I'm in my 50's.  I want to see my kids grow up and I want to see my grandkids and their kids. 

I'm sitting here thinking about this and it's making me cry.  Life is so short.  It is so short yet I have wasted so much time being unhappy with myself.  Unhappy with myself because I let other people decide how i'm going to feel about me.

We all deserve to feel good about ourselves.  I just want to feel good about me.  I want to be happy with what I see in the mirror and I just don't know how to get there yet.  Wow, that really sucks doesn't it!

Well, it's late and I'm tired and emotional.  I've got PMS written all over me and Scott's friend died today.  Really, life is a bitch sometimes!