I'm in pink tonight...
Jourdan went to her dad's today. She hasn't been there in....I don't know...it's been more than a month. I just hate it when she is gone. She would be in her room on her facebook page all night chatting with her friends and I'd be in my room on facebook and writing on my blog....but she would still be in the other room.
Geez this has been a long week. John with his chicken pox. Sami got three little pox on her after the fever. They actually didn't get very bad, which is what Beth told me. Thank goodness she did get her second shot, I think it saved alot of misery for her and for me this coming week.
John fell asleep in the chair in the living room after dinner. He's feeling better but he get's tired very easy. Poor little guy. Sami didn't know what to do with herself with John sleeping and Jourdan gone. She likes to have a sleep over in Jourdan's room on the weekends. I asked her if she was ready for me to tuck her in and she kept saying, "no, I sleep in Jo's room". She doesn't understand that Jourdan went to her dads. In her two year old world, Daddy is everyone's daddy.
So, she brought some of Johns toys in my room. It's so funny. She has babies and barbies and girl toys but she brought in a robot, iron man, some trucks, a motorcycle, and some other action figures.....and climbed onto our bed. She fell asleep between my feet with all the toys around her. She is out cold. Now I have to move her to her own bed and hope she stays asleep.
I had one of those emotional days today. WOW, BIG NEWS! TRACY HAD ANOTHER EMOTIONAL DAY TODAY! I have put Jason's list together for his graduation invitations and I bought the announcements from the school, and they are cool by the way. Then Jason tells me he doesn't want plain open house cards. He wants the same ones his dad got from Hooper Printing. Did I already bitch about this? Sorry if I'm repeating myself.
So, I call Hooper this morning, email them a different photo of Jason along with our address and by this afternoon I was picking up his Open House invitations. They took the original layout that his dad had, changed the photo and changed the party info and printed them. Then, they gave me a discount because it had already been set up for Jason's dad. Instead of $57.00 they charged me $30. Yay me! Finally, it pays off to have been married to Paul.
(If you're not laughing your ass off right now you better read that last paragraph again, lol).
Jourdan and Sami went with me to pick up the cards. His picture is so handsome on the card. I tried to put a copy in with my post but it wouldn't let me. That's ok, I'll just be mailing them out to everyone soon anyways. Here is the picture I put on it.
Isn't he handsom? I have no idea how I ended up with such gorgeous kids. Well, with Scott I know....but Paul? Yuck! Anyhow, I pick up his invitations and cry all the way home. I was telling Jourdan that it was freaking me out that she was going to be a Freshman next year because high school went so fast for Jason. I don't even know where the last four years went....seriously. They flew by. And I know the same will be true for Jourdan. I told her that it was just too much for me to even think about right now.
Tonight I put the whole graduation announcements and invitations together. You know, the double envelopes and the foil stickers. Jason has 4 days of school left, and on Thursday he'll go to Senior Breakfast and then get his senior release form. Thursday will be his last day of high school and two weeks from Sunday he will graduate.
Hold on......I'm crying.......
I saw on the news last night that a girl from Saranac died Wednesday night. She was 17 and a senior. Today would have been her last day of school and she would have been graduating. I can't even imagine losing a child at such a young age. The bitch of it was that she died after leaving a wake for another Saranac high school senior who had just passed away. Life can be cruel.
You're probably wondering why I'm bringing this up? It just came to me as I was sitting here feeling sad about Jason being all grown up. It's not really something to be sad about. He's alive and he's growing up. Two sets of parents are mourning the loss of a child the same age as Jason this week. Just a couple of miles from where I'm sitting right now. It's just so hard to realize that you've raised your child and he's almost ready (I said 'almost') to go out into the world on his own. I did it. That's what parent's do right? It's our job to raise our children so they can go out into the world and make a life for themselves.
Man, that just sucks. Totally a mom's point of view. Not ready for it. Can't stop it. Still sucks. But I'm thankful he's safe. Things in life could be so much worse. He just came in from a trip to Grand Rapids with Nick. I'm glad he's home and in for the night. It's rainy and crappy outside and he's here at home safe. Guess that'll be good for now.
Hmmmm, what to write about tonight. Sometimes I don't know which direction I want to take until I actually start writing.
I'll start off with my morning. John is just covered with chicken pox. What freaks me out the worst is that he has them on the edge of his eyes, like right on the lash line. In his ears, in his hair....all over. He is miserable. So miserable that I actually got him to take an oatmeal bath. Once he got in, he totally loved it. Except he plugged the tub when he tried to drain it. Was funny, I put on a rubber glove and had to scoop out all the oatmeal into a bag when the water was finally out of the tub. Sami was quite entertained by the oatmeal in the bottom of the tub.
I didn't want to go to work today. I wanted to stay home with John, but I had to do payroll. I'm sure all the guys at work really watned to get paid next week, so I went in and did payroll and some reports that are due to home office on the 20th. I squeezed alot into today and busted my ass getting stuff done in case I don't get back in tomorrow.
Anyhow, I left for work and pulled around the side of the house to get the mail. In the mail was an open house invitation for Jason's friend Nick. Nick is the nicest kid and he's a good friend to Jason. I love it, he calls me Mom. So, I get his open house invitation in the mail and I start to cry. And I cry all the way to work because I'm having a little slap of reality. Jason is done with school a week from Friday and I'm just not handling it well.
I was talking to Scott about it tonight cos I had to miss my therapist appt this week. I tried to tell him it's different for mom's. He was so sweet, he let me talk and tell him how freaked out I was feeling....and I'm crying the whole time I'm talking....and just listened to me. He was so nice to me. I have a really great husband and I'm so lucky to have him. Even though he pisses me off to no end sometimes, I'm lucky to have him.
So, John is miserable. Sami has been running a fever so I figure she's warming up for the full pox. She has two on her now. One on her face and one of her back. She's had two shots, but the doctors office said she may get a mild case. Geez. I can't keep taking time off work. Seriously, I've only worked like 5 hours this week. Luckily, Scott worked oer 60 hours last week and will this week too so his check will be good. Otherwise, we'd be screwed.
Well, I have a confession to make. I actually started this post on Tuesday night. I got so tired that I ended up saving it as a draft and falling asleep with my computer in my lap. So, I'm finishing it tonight and posting it. Sorry.
Jason got all his graduation stuff today and I cried. I am just not ready for him to be all grown up. For now, he's planning on staying at home for a while and go to college, but the first time we butt heads he'll be outta here. I just know it. I can feel my throat closing in on me just thinking about it. And the other bad thing is that Jourdan will be a Freshman this fall. I mean, Jason was just a Freshman a couple weeks ago. How can Jourdan be going into High School? She's my baby girl.
Life can really slap you in the face sometimes. I'm relying on my friends and Scott to get me through this. Just so you know ahead of time. Beth, I wish you could be here for his Open House....I'm going to be a basket case and i could use your positive words to help me through it. Guess I'll have to lean on a large jug of Sangria. Bummer me.
Ok, it's almost midnight....and even though I'm not tired I need to try to sleep. I have to work tomorrow and still now sure whatr I'm going to do with the kids. I have to go to a trade show at 12:30 and then go to work. We'll see what happens and who I can drum up. I don't dare to take Sami to daycare with her two pox.....if that's what they actually are. Looks like it is, but I'll know better tomorrow.
Until then, goodnight all.
Scott has been working alot of overtime at work, he even had to work last Sunday. So in the last 22 days he has had two days off work. He's worked 8 in a row and will probably have to work Sat and Sun this week. He's so tired.
Overtime is a great thing. The economy was bad for so long at his shop that I'd given up on overtime and now it's back with full fury! So, we don't see each other much. We don't have conversations. We don't have time to talk....or do anything else.
I was laying here next to him tonight and it was only 8:00 and he was falling asleep. I didn't even have to say a word to him, he knew what I was thinking. He asked me not to take it personally. So, I'm trying really hard not to take it personally.
Nice topic tonight huh?
I got another good one. John has chicken pox. He wasn't feeling well last week and over the weekend he got really congested in his chest. Yesterday he was running a fever, poor baby. We didn't get much sleep last night. He just couldn't stop coughing so it was a really long night. When we got up this morning I made him a doctor appt because his lungs sounded soooo terrible. Plus he said his chest hurt.
We went to the doctor and she was all done checking him over and we're done talking about meds for his chest and I happen to notice bumps behind his ear. She looks at them and they are behind both ears, on his neck, and in his hair. Are they spider bites? Nope!
By the time we drove from Cascade to Lowell, with a quick stop at Meijer for medicine, he had chicken pox all over his chest, his back, under his arms, and on his face. It was like I could see them just popping out while I was looking at him. So, he's miserable. He's itchy! I covered him with calamine lotion. Yeah, he loved have pink lotion all over him.
We finally settled on a batch with baking soda. He refused to do the oatmeal bath and Beth (Dr. Kern's nurse) said that baking soda will work too. So, he soaked for a good 45 minutes and he said he felt better. If I could just get his coughing under control it would be so much better.
So now, he's home for the week. I have so much going on this week it's not even funny. I have to change my work schedule and my therapy appt. Man do I need my appt tomorrow. I've looked forward to going tomorrow since last week Wed. I needed to go back so bad I thought about going twice last week. Well, I'm not sure when I'll be going now. I'm trying hard to not freak out and let the anxiety kick in. I think I'm getting better at it, at least I'm trying.
I'm sleepy, after not getting much sleep last night I need to catch up tonight. One last check on the kids and I'm off to sleep. Good night.
I got a new computer for Mothers Day, did I tell you that? It''s really pissing me off because I'm having a hard time getting used to it. It has a 10-key on it, which is what I wanted to bad because I do alot of taxes and I use my computer for bookkeeping. So, everything is shifted a little to the left and I'm just having trouble getting used to it. My sister has one just like it and she said it took her a while to get used to is too.
Ok, enough about that. Today is Sunday, and it was a really nice day. Scott had to work until noon, but that wasn't so bad. OT is a beautiful thing. The buzz saw laying next to me right now....not so much, lol. I don't know if it's because he's so tired or if it's because Jason mowed the lawn that he's so snotty. But like I said before, the man can snore. I swear the shingles are probably off the roof of the house over his side of the bed. It's so funny because he keeps waking himself up and then he'll look over at me (he's doing it right now) and gives me the stink-eye. Like he's saying, "why did you wake me up?" Ummmmm, both hands on the keyboard buddy! Even though I have been known to throw a mean elbow, I've contained myself tonight because I know he's had such a long week.
Update: I'm finally feeling like I am getting through this fog. Have you ever taken medication for anxiety? It's a real bitch when you go off it. Headaches, nausea, anxiety, agitation, irritability, can't sleep. All these fun things have been beating me down for the last four weeks or so. My life has been testing me.....testing me right to the edge of my sanity. I knew if I could get through this funk I would feel better. I am starting to feel better, but my anxiety attacks have come back.
It's the craziest thing because you have anxiety attacks so you start taking meds. You feel better on the meds and think you don't need to take them anymore so you go off the meds. Then voila, anxiety attacks come back. It's not rocket science. Well, I already said I talked to a therapist last week. No, I'm not crazy or suicidal or anything like that. The therapist said some great things to me in the first meeting we had. She told me that medication only masks the anxiety but doesn't address it. You cover it up with medication and then you don't deal with what is really causing the anxiety attacks.
Have you ever had an anxiety attack? They suck. First, you chest feels tight, you start to breathe hard and then faster because you feel like you can't get enough breath. You get more and more upset and then you feel dizzy and it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest. Then, you hyper-ventilate and maybe even pass out. That's what happened to me a couple weeks ago. Scared me to death and got me to the doctor. Well, all my bloodwork says I'm normal....with the exception of egg whites. I know I already wrote that....but how silly.
So, the therapist is going to help me figure out how to stop the anxiety attacks. For a long time I could stop them on my own. When I felt them coming on I could breate slow, very slow and deep and count to ten. Close my eyes and breathe. Usually, it would go away. Hasn't been working lately. But I'll get it figured out. Scott has really been great and he's been helping me to stay calm. He's the best. He can be a real shit sometimes, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. Even with the snoring, lol.
I am looking forward to meeting with the therapist again on Tuesday. Something happened last week that literally took 3 days from me. I was upset and was having severe anxiety attacks for 3 days over this one thing. I don't want to share what it is here because I don't want to make things worse. Then just when I started feeling better, Jason starts in on me this morning about his graduation party.
For crying out loud. We've had a date planned for the last 6 months and he tells me a couple weeks ago he doesn't want to have his graduation party on a Saturday because he doesn't want to take time off from work. Ok, so now what? We don't have many options left in June since Paul took the next Sunday. It's really going to be worth it too....who knows what kind of hillbilly party Paul is putting together for Jason. Then you throw Father's Day in there....and Jason going to Ohio with Paul....well there doesn't leave much time for us.
Jason blamed me and told me it was because I waited too long. WTF? I've been thinking about it since last fall. We went round and round this morning and there are just some traits that Jason has learned from his dad. He had me so upset....everything was MY fault.....I'm a terrible mother for waiting til the last minute to plan his party.....I don't give a shit about him.....
I finally told him to go find something else to do. He bitched some more and I told him to leave me alone. Well, he went outside and then went off to Nicks. Scott got home and all I could do was cry because I had told Jason to leave me alone. I felt terrible for saying that. I just couldn't take one more minute of him being so disrespectful and hurtful. He knows what buttons to push with me and then he turns on me. Starts saying shit like, "oh yeah I'm a terrible kid, I forgot". Then I say, "no you're just disrespectful and I'm tired of it". Jason: "That just means you're saying I'm a bad kid". On and on and on. Wouldn't happen if Scott was home.
I was talking to Scott about it and he asked if I wanted him to have a talk with Jason? Well, I appreciate that but it wouldn't end well for Jason. He acts like that and I still protect him. Scott is very respectful of women. He rarely swears, he's not a dog when it comes to looking or talking about other women, and he would never fart in front of me....not if his life depended on it. It's so cute. I don't know if it was the military or just the way his dad raised him, but I should have let him step in a long time ago with Jason. There are many times when Jason acts more like Paul than I care to admit.
But Paul has never changed and Jason still see's him and still see's how Paul is with his wife. Paul never had an ounce of respect for any woman. Not his mom, any of his wives, any woman...period. It's not a quality that I want Jason to have and I don't want him to treat his wife that way some day. So, I'll probably give Scott the go ahead. Scott told me that Jason will get out on his own for a couple of years and then he will realize how good he had it here and how much I did for him. That's when the respect will show up. Maybe that's how it was for Scott? I'm not sure. If his mom was here I would love to ask her. But even when she was alive, she told me that Scott had always been respectful of women. I'll bet his dad was the same way. John Watkins. Grandpa John, who we named John after. I wish I would have known him too.
Well, I sure covered alot of topics tonight. I'm sitting here in bed and I actually feel pretty good today. Other than the deal with Jason this morning, it was a good day. Scott and I planted my rose bushes in the back yard by the porch and my blueberry bushes on the back of the house. I also transplanted my Rosemary into a large planter.
Jason got me cherry tomatoes for Mother's Day, but they are still in my kitchen. They are blooming like crazy, I can't believe how many flowers are on them. I'm just worried about planting them outside yet. This is Michigan for crying out loud. I'm going to wait till Memorial Day weekend. I'm also worried about bunnies eating the plants. That's what happened to our garden...the bunnies and squirrels ate all my plants. And these tomato plants are beautiful ones. I know they weren't cheap and he spent his own money. I appreciated them very much and I'll plant them when it's safe.
Well, it's after 11pm and I should get some rest. Tomorrow is Monday....I hate Mondays. Sami had a stomach bug all last week and was shitting and shitting. I mean, the kind of shitting that you could shit through a key hole from twenty paces...kind of shit. Bad for just getting her potty trained. Now, John is sick. He didn't get the tummy thing as bad as Sami but he has a really bad cold. He's running a fever and can't stop coughing. I'm probably going to have to take him to the doc tomorrow if he doesn't feel any better. Today, he sounded horrible. I gave him some night time cold medicine and he's snoozing in a little nest next to my bed. He should be in his own bed, but when he gets it in his chest like this, I like him to be in here where I can listen for him.
Last night I covered his feet with Vicks and put socks on him. It helps him stop coughing and I'll probably do that when I sign off...even though he's asleep. Poor baby.
To my friend Beth, I'm thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. I've been thinking about you all week. I know you're tackling a tough thing right now, but you are strong! You're in my thoughts every single day and I hope today was better than yesterday.
Night!
I'm feeling better today. I had one hell of an anxiety attack yesterday, just about had another melt-down, and ended up going to bed. I felt a little better today. Finally, light at the end of the tunnel.
I went to the Oral surgeon yesterday and finally had my last wisdom tooth pulled. 10 stitches!!!! Seriously! I'm laughing because the doctor told me not to blow my nose for a two weeks and try not to sneeze for the next week. Yeah right! It's allergy season, there are always sneezes just hanging out ready to strike.
I'm sitting here on my bed using my new laptop for the very first time. Scott and the kids got it for me for Mothers Day and I'm still getting used to it. It has a 10-key on it, so I keep hitting the wrong keys, lol.
Remember I told you Scott and I were trying "Ultra 90"? Well, since Monday I've lost about 4 pounds. We will see how it goes. OH NO! THE BUZZ SAW ROLLED OVER ONTO HIS BACK! Oh my gosh! The man can snore! Ok, a swift shove in the arm and yelling at him to roll over took care of the problem!
I'm watching yesterday's Day's on DVR. Not very good. I'm forwarding most of it because it's crap! It's so funny though, you get a good story line and it's so good that you can't wait to watch it every single day. Then, poof, the story goes cold and they are just muddling through an hour each day. Ugh!
At least, for the moment....I feel a little better.
First, I want to tell Beth thanks for her comment to my last post. I feel like shit and I feel like I don't have anyone. Beth, your post made me cry, but not in a bad way. I'm just feeling very alone right now.
I had more tests done today. I'm waiting....waiting....waiting...for the doctor's office to call. Of course they call at 12:30 today while I'm at work. Jason is home and actually hears her talking into the machine. Scott comes home at 3:30pm and listens to the message. I talked to Scott four or five times between that and my getting home.
I happened to notice the machine had an old message on it and I listened to it...at 9:00pm. I was trying really hard to have a sane day. To stay calm, keep anxiety at bay! Then I hear this message and I blow a nut. seriously. I actually woke Scott up and yelled at him for not telling me.
I've been freaked out for a week waiting to hear from the doctors office and nobody tells me they call. I'm at the end of my rope here! I feel like if anyone gave a damn about me, they might think to say, "hey the doctor's office called you today". I guess it's better to watch me suffer.
I think you can see that I'm rather bitter. I've really been pretty bitter for about a month now. I'm sure my posts aren't even pleasant to read anymore. Here's the bottom line, I feel like shit. I've been sick for nearly a month and nobody gives a shit. I've got all kinds of things going on inside right now. Doc thinks I'm diabetic and that can really fuck you up! That's how I feel, really fucked up.
I have to say that I'm disappointed in the people that I typically count on to help me. Tell me what happens when a person doesn't feel good for 4 damn weeks. Seriously, what happens to you mentally when you feel sick for four weeks. It's like fricking morning sickness that won't go away....only I'm not getting a baby out of the deal. That's ok though, four is enough!
I'm just feeling bitchy. At least I am going to talk to someone tomorrow. See if they can get my head on straight. Once I get all my bloodwork back, I should be able to get myself in the right direction. In the meantime, all I have is my blog. At home I'm the cook, housekeeper, slave! I do laundry, dishes, clean the floors. Sami overflowed the damn toilet tonight while Scott was in the shower and he couldn't even take care of it. I had to put rubber gloves on and go pick up toilet water towels and clean the bathroom floor. Unpaid slave, that's what I am.....
When I opened up my computer just now to sign into my Blog, I was greeted by sticky finger prints on my screen and some sort of sticky substance on my keys and mouse pad. I can tell John was eating cinnamon rolls while he was playing his computer game this morning.
It's Mother's Day. I don't feel like celebrating Mother's Day. Matter of fact, I just got myself out of bed. I didn't sleep in, I was in there awake. I just didn't want to get up. I've been feeling like that alot lately.
Yesterday, Scott and I went into Grand Rapids, ended up having a huge fight about Jason and his cell phone. It just makes me crazy to fight about the kids. We got home....I don't even know what time it was. 5pm maybe and I went straight to the shower and got into bed. I finished reading a couple chapters of my book and went to sleep.
I didn't wake up until Sami came in at 9pm crying for me. She was so tired and I thought she felt a little warm. I made a "nest" for her on the floor next to my side of the bed and she laid down and fell asleep. Poor baby woke up a little bit later and puked pizza all over the place. I thought I was going to throw up right next to her. It was like she drank milk with her pizza, geez it was gross. Well at least she didn't throw up anymore and seems to be perfectly fine right now.
I'm actually surprised that I slept after having a nap. I don't know, I just haven't felt good...for weeks. My doctors office called Friday and told me some of my blood work came back and I'm allergic to eggs. Did I say that already in an earlier post? I mean, EGGS? WTF! She told me to avoid eggs, it's why I'm not feeling good. How the hell can you avoid eggs?
I had one meal yesterday. We went to Chili's and they have the BEST country fried steak. Well, Scott and I both had it and I was immmediatley not feeling good. Hmmm, how do they make that stuff? Dip the meat in flour, then and egg wash, then in the flour again, into the deep fryer! Eggs, duh!
Add that to fighting with Scott. I feel like my head is going to explode. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I tried to call my sister but she must have been busy. She has enough on her plate anyways. BRB
This is really hard to admit! Today, I cut loose on my kids. I slept terrible last night and felt like hell when I woke up this morning. Scott was at work so I just laid here in bed listening to the chaos between the four kids out in the kitchen and living room.
This kids were yelling and fighting with each other. I don't get it, Jason is almost 18 and Jourdan is almost 15! I mean, they were sinking to the level of a 6 year old and a 2 year old. My head was aching and my heart was pounding like crazy. I had an anxiety attack coming on.
Then, the phone rings and it's Scott. I can hear Jourdan tell him I'm in bed and hand up. That's what did it. I called him back quick and then I went after the kids. I'm so sick of how they take advantage of me. They walk all over me. I have to constantly fight with them to do the very limited chores they are responsible for. I mean, Jourdan empties the dishwash and Jason takes the garbage out. About half the time he feeds and waters the dog. That's it.
We give these kids so much and they are so ungrateful. I guess, as parents, we owe it to them. I just paid $1000 for jourdan to go on an East Coast trip, and in a few weeks she'll need probably $300 or so in spending money.
Then, Lowell won the State Championship in football. Well, the Football State Championship ring was $305 and he would die if he didnt' get one. Everyone was getting one and it was a once in a lifetime chance for him. Well, I agree with that since he's not playing college ball. My problem is that Paul doesn't want to pay for any of this. I can't count of him to help with clothes or shoes, trips or rings. I had to put $100 down for graduation stuff and still owe $95 and he has to get it this week. It has his announcements.
These kids feel like we are made of money. I try to leave a list of two or three things I want them to do after school, while i'm at work. So you think they will do ANYTHING beyond what is on that list? And what they do accomplish, they do half-assed! It's so frustrating.
Now, Scott and I are fighting about Jason's cell phone. It ws always the understanding that once he started working he would pay fo rhis part of the phone. It was about $20 but he wanted unlimited text. He begged me for weeks. It put our bill up by about $40 more. So, I tell him, just pay for your $20 and $10 toward texting etc. Well, he gave me $20 one time a very long time ago.
Now we are eligible to upgrade because our contract is up. Verizon has the best phones and I want a new phone so bad. We are looking at them today at Best Buy and Scott picks a fight with me about Jason's phone. He wants him to get his own service plan and pay his own phone. First of all, he's not 18. We just had this huge discussion about it today and I got it across to Jason that I want him to pay for his phone.
Scott just won't budge. He picks this huge fight with me and of course I'm upset. We're in Best Buy and he's trying to buy me a new computer. I dont' want the fuckin computer.
Right now I am fragile. I do not feel good. Dr. Kern's office called with some of my results yesterday. They found some problems with my blood work. My tryclicerides for one, well that's a given knowing that I need to lose weight. My cholesterol was 170 and that is really good. But there is something happening with my pancreas. This is why I have had the constant nausea and can't seem to get weight off.
Enough about that. I don't feel good, so what else is new. My mentally, I'm dangerously close to the edge. It's hard for me to admit that here. When Scott and I got home from Grand Rapids I locked myself in our room and cried my eyes out. I finished reading my book, and I guess I took a little nap.
Sami cam in shortly after I woke up and proceeded to throw up all over her blankets, pillows, rice bag, and it was so disgusting, I almost threw up too. Well, that just topped off my day.
I tried like hell to talk to Scott about my feelings and about Jason. I'm so disappointed in myself. I told them to pack up their shit and move to Pauls when school got out. Jason left the house shortly after, he had his backpack, and I finally called him tonight and he said he was spending the night at Nicks. Nice of him to let me know. He said he wanted to cool off. Ok, fair enough. I was pretty hard on him today.
So, here I lay at midnight wide awake. Dr. Kern called me in some sleeping pills but I'm trying really hard to get away form the meds. She's not a pill pusher by any means and she doesn't like to write prescriptions, but if people honestly need them, she's ok with it. I'm just afraid to get onto a sleeping pill.
For weeks I was sleeping so hard and I was having nightmares. Horrible nightmares that I could remember when I woke up. At least now, I'm not remembering any dreams. Scott told me that I woke him up crying in my sleep the other night. He said I was really wailing. I don't remember it and don't know what I was crying about. Who knows.
I just feel like I want to get back to a normal life. I almost dont' know what normal is anymore. Myh life seems so fucked up right now. I know I'm not right, emotionally. Don't know what to do with it. Seriously. But I guess that's why I'm going to see the nutritionist and a therapist on 'Tuesday!
Ok, I'm dead tired and I'm so tired. Feeling like shit all day takes it out of me. And fighting with Scott tonight just tops off my day. Dont' kow what I'm going to do, I'm at about my limit for stress. I'm afraid of what might happen.
I was just looking at some posts on Facebook, and I remembered something my doctor said to me yesterday. Well, first, let me tell you this:
They wanted blood, so Beth starts in my left arm, and I won't bleed so she's digging. Me, "Beth, I'd rather have you poke me again than dig." Ok, well four pokes in my left arm, let's try the right arm. Have I ever talking about my needle phobia? When I had to get blood drawn at my OB's office when I was pregnant for Sami she couldn't get it the first, second or third time. I ended up breaking out in a sweat, and then I was dizzily escorted to the bathroom where I proceeded to barf by guts out. Yeah, I don't like needles.
Back to my story. Let's try my right arm because 4 digging needle sticks in my left arm gave no blood. For crying out loud! Two pokes in my right arm, a little digging. Me, "Beth I'd rather you poke me again than dig...you're hurting me."
Beth, "I'm going to try your hand, have you ever had blood drawn from your hand?" Ummmm are you fucking kidding me? I've had an IV but never blood drawn. So, she pokes me once in the top of the hand and no blood. "Beth, you better get me to a bed or I'm gonna throw up on your shoes."
At this point, she had one more shot. She had to bring in reinforcements to help change the tubes fast just in case she got my blood to flow. Never had this trouble before, but I'll be damned if you're going to poke me one more time in the top of my hand while both of my arms are bleeding! Well, she got lucky and was able to get 6 tubes of blood out of my hand.
If you've never had blood drawn out of your hand before, DON'T LET ANYONE TALK YOU INTO IT. It hurts. It hurts like hell. My hand has a welt on it and still hurts and that was yesterday morning. They better find something or I'm gonna be pissed! Just kidding, I don't want them to find anything bad...I've just never had a problem with having blood drawn.....not that I look or anything because they would have to pick me up off the floor.
I got off track, when I was talking to my doctor she said something that really got to me. I've been feeling really REALLY bad about myself. I have low-selfesteem to begin with and I have put on abou 45 pounds over the last 8 years. It's really affecting how I feel about myself and how I think that Scott's see's me. Now, he's never said anything to me about my weight. He's never been mean, he's never made me feel bad about my weight. But, in my own mind....I'm miserable about it.
So, Dr. Kern gave me a little perspective. She asked me if I would feel any different about Scott if he gained 20 pounds? I just looked at her and thought she was crazy for saying that. No! Of course not, he's the sexiest man ever! He's attractive and I'd have my hands on him 24/7 if I could. And Dr, Kern says, "well, we feels that way about you too." Course that made me cry because I know she is right. It's not like that when you really love someone.
Scott really came through for me this week. It's the worst week I've had in a long time and he's really made me feel better. I'm so thankful to have him. And Beth, you'll find someone just as good someday. Just be picky, that's how I was. And don't settle for anything less. I'm lucky to have the life I have and I forgot that for a while. But not now, I'm getting myself together and at the end of the summer, Tina and I are going to burn that damn blue swimsuit!
I just have to say, I love reading Beth's Blog posts. She always has so much to say, much better than my psychotic rambling.
I had a Pampered Chef party last night. We had a FULL house! It was alot of fun, I made Sangria and Lemonade with slices of fresh lemon and a half bottle of Vodka in each pitcher! My sister Tina was telling me that when she got to mom and dad's last night, dad asked her...."did mom have any drinks tonight?" I'm laughing cos Mom drinks booze like twice a year.....always at my house and always at a party I'm having. Tastefully Simple, Pamapered Chef, a naughty pary...you get the point. So, I guess she was being goofy! What a light-weight!
My alarm went off at 7:10am and I would have given anything to turn that baby off and go back to sleep. Damn I was tired this morning. I laid here and even thought about letting John skip school just so I could turn off my alarm and go back to sleep. Am I a cool mom or what?
Well, I did drag my sorry butt out of bed and to the coffee pot. John was up late so I had to shake him to get him up. I even had to wake up Sami to take John to school. I"ll be so glad when school it out for the summer. I am so sick of running out so early in the morning to take him to school. On my work days, it's not so bad cos I take him to school, I drop Sam off to Addie's and then I go to work. On my days off, getting up and out so early is a bitch!
So last night Tina and I decided we'd do coffee and cinnamon rolls this morning. Well, when she got here I ws asleep in the recliner and Sam was sitting next to me with a RED marker. She had completely colored her legs from her thighs down to her ankles with red marker. Wow, that is some good parental supervision.
Well, Tina got no coffe and no cinnamon rolls. Poor girl, I'm a terrible hostess. We're going to try again tomorrow morning.
So, we are sitting here...me in my recliner and Tina is in Scott's recliner. What to do, what to do. Well, there's laundry. I'd gotten one load in to the dryer and another into the wash. The dishwasher got loaded and was running and Sam helped me vac the living room. (No wonder I needed a morning nap.)
Finally, Tina say's...."well I need to buy some cat food, do you want to go to Walmart". YAY! How bad is it when it's a good day to get out and buy catfood? What has my life become? LOL
Anyhow, we went to Grand Rapids and got some lunch. We bummed around a little. Oh, I almost forgot, I bought perm rods at Sally Beauty Supply. My big purchase today. You know, perms are never a good situation and I never learn. I'm sure I'll regret it, come hell or high water I'm giving myself a perm this weekend. If it's really good, I'll be sure to post a photo so you all have something to laugh at next week!
At least I finally feel like I'm pulling out of my funk. Scott and Tina have made a huge difference. And honestly, reading Beth's blog has been helpful to me too....more than she probably knows. Making changes in a person's life can be tough. For me, stress and anxiety have taken over. I am taking steps to help myself. I'm even going to see a therapist next week. It's my goal to learn how to handle stress better. I'm ashamed to admit it, but my kids are driving me crazy. I'll be just fine, and two minutes in the car with the three youngest and I'm up to my eyeballs in stress. Makes me want to scream!
I don't want to be that way. It's not fair to me or my kids. I love them and I think I'm a damn good mom. Jason and his friends informed me that I'm "the cool mom". Well, I don't want to screw up that reputation. They like being here, which seems like they are always here, because I let them do what they want. Well, I don't know about that, but I do let them be fun and do silly things that teenagers do. Geez, I'm not THAT old...I remember what it's like to be a teenager. I'm glad that his friends are so at ease here, and he has nice friends. So, it all works out.
So, I'm going to see a therapist and learn some relaxation teqniques and learn how to better deal with my stress. I've been telling my boss that it's not work, but I've been thinking about it the last couple of days and I decided that work is contributing. I've been upset over how they are treating Jason. I think they are afraid to say anything negative to him cos he's my son. I know he's doing a good job because his comment card scores from customers are excellent. He's also making a butt-load of money on tips. Two weeks ago he made $90 in one day from two customers. Gee whiz, on top of his hourly pay...was a good money day.
They've been screwing him over a little on his hours so I've been upset about that. I got a little out of hand this week and blew a nut with a co-worker. Well, I apologized, I felt bad about it afterward and I think all is well at this point. Two Men And A Truck is a GREAT place to work. My boss really does care about the people in our office as well as our front-line! I just need to not take things so personally. Thankfully, my boss knows I'm an emotional type of person and he's being patient while I'm dealing with some stressful things in my life.
When I told Scott I'd made an appt to see a counselor, he's was like, "what?" And then the typical male response, "I don't have to go do I?" Well, since we aren't having any marital problems, ummm no! It's not marriage counseling. It's keeping me sane counseling. Right now, I need it and I need to focus on me right now. Steps in the right direction. Steps forward! I have alot of support so I know that I'll pull my head out of my ass and start feeling better. Besides, I'm tired of looking at everything through my belly button. (Yeah, cheesy...I know).
I'm actually looking forward to it, an entire hour each week that is just about me. I don't even get to pee by myself in this house. This poor therapist has no idea what she's getting herself into with me, lol.
I've already talked about this a little bit on Beth's Blog. Sorry for repeating myself.
Today, I came damn near a breakdown...as close as I've ever come in my life. There has been so much going on in my life. I have felt like hell for weeks, working this medication out of my body. I'm upset about some things going on at work. My poor Grandma was stuck for two weeks in Laurels of Kent....that was a horrible thing. Beyond horrible!
Lot's of things. Lots' of stress. Kids, work, house for sale, you name it....it's been stressing me. And Kim lost her battle with Cancer on Friday. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I've sat here wondering why I'm taking everything so hard. It's not like my life sucks. I have this terrible sadness in my heart for Kim and her family. I pray for them, for their strength and guidance and as they learn how to live their lives without Kim. She was a wonderful person.
So, as my mood darkened it scared the hell out of me. I made an appt with our family doctor and then an appt with the Nutritionist at Metro for Monday. I feel like I made two steps in the right direction. I fear that my next step is to actually sit down and talk with someone once a week, just till I get myself in the right direction. I scared myself today. And I scared Scott. I haven't felt like this before, not since being married to Paul.
I felt so bad because it's Scott's birthday today. What a birthday! I was just having about the worst day and I decided I needed to come home. So, away I went, and Scott got home just after me. The kids were making me crazy...as usual....but don't get me wrong. I love them, with all my heart. Just sometimes, they make me crazy. I asked Scott to take me out to dinner for his birthday. He wanted to stay home and cook but I just needed to get out of the house.
I'm so thankful that we went. I love Scott more than words can say. He is my rock! He makes me feel better and he knows just what to say to help me feel better. We agreed that we would go ahead and make changes together. To our eating habits and our lifestyle. We both need to be healthier. He is 45 years old today and I want us both to be healthy. We both want some great things in our future and we want to see our Grandkids born and grow up. So, we don't want to die young.
I did a bunch of resesarch and talked to my doctor. Scott and I ordered Ultra90 yesterday online. There are alot of radio commercials for it. It's all-natural so it won't bother my blood pressure meds. I pray that once I have some weight lost and have myself in better shape, I can be off ALL my meds. Period.
Boy I'm just all sunshine and daisy's lately huh?
I think that all the things going on in my life right now have made me take a good look at myself. I want to change. I look at Beth's postings and I'm so fucking proud of her. She is making better choices for herself. She has so much courage.
Scott and Tina have both promised me to help in anyway they can. I know they mean it! So, I know I've said it over and over, but I have to do something different. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow and on Monday I'll see the Nutritionist at Metro. Both know that I'm having trouble. I'm in big trouble right now and I have to fix it right now before something really bad happens.
Scott was so great today. I love him so much that it actually hurts my heart, in a good way. I've never felt that kind of love before. He is my best friend and I don't want to miss out on even one minute of our life together. He's a good man and he did everything in his power to make me feel better today. It was his birthday and he spent his day supporting me and getting me through a rough patch. I love him for it. I'm so lucky to have found him and I don't deserve him. I'm thankful every single day that I have him in my life. I love him and he's my best friend....forever!
I'm sorry, I'm still sitting here in my bed typing away and crying about Kim. I feel so sad for her husband, her children and her family and friends. Some might say that I'm being selfish, all this sadness and crying, but it's out of friendship and sadness for her family. Kim is in heaven. In my heart, I believe she is up there with Dee and there is no pain, only peace. I'm praying for strength for Kims family and friends....still praying.
I remember stopping in at the Ada McDonalds on the way to or from one of Jason's away football games when he was a Junior. I hadn't seen Kim in a while and there she was. She saw me and came right out to the corner with a huge smile on her face. We'd worked together at the Lowell McDonalds so many years ago....we did the open shift and we'd burn it up in the drive-thru lol! And when we weren't busy, I remember her being in the breakroom putting on her mascara. At the time I would get so frustrated because I would take the order, take the person's money and run to the front to get the order together. And there was Kim in the breakroom putting on mascara. I have to laugh now!
Don't get me wrong, she was no slacker and she was GREAT at her job. We just had a lot of fun at it! I have alot of fond memories of Kim. So, that day I saw her at Ada McDonalds and she told me that this was her store now, I could see how proud she was of her accomplishment. We chatted for a while and we said how great it was to see each other.
I didn't see her again for another 6 months or so, at Dee's visitation. She hugged me so hard and said she loved me. I'll never forget that as long as I live. I told her I loved her too and I meant it. We were distant friends, but we were friends. Kim didn't mince words, she told you how she felt. That day she had gotten bad news, but didn't say anything to anyone.
Kim has to be the most incredibly strong woman I've ever known. We chatted on Facebook. I would ask every now and then how she was feeling. I'm telling you, this whole facebook thing that us 40ish crowd has found has been fantastic. I have found so many of my classmates, it's amazing to me. People I haven't seen in twenty years...and we've become friends again...online.
Even Dee's husband, Scott. We didn't know each other well in school....but thanks to Facebook, I feel like we've become friends and I love chatting with him. I think about him all the time and wonder how he and Krysti are doing. I know that he is friends with Kim and this cannot be easy for him either.
It's just a very sad time for the entire LHS Class of 1987! Our class reunion is coming very soon and it'll be a sad moment when we realize that we do have classmates that are gone.
I know I've said it several times already, but I know that Kim didn't take her time on Earth for granted. She lived a caring and loving life. We should take lessons from that and live each moment as if it were our last. Don't go skydiving or any of that stuff, but pick your battles. Enjoy your kids, even when they are driving you nuts. Tell your friends and family how much you love them, even when they aren't being very lovable. Not an easy task, but I'm putting you to a challenge.
Don't worry, I have some hard work to do for this challenge myself. My family definitely has it's ups and downs. We're more like Malcom in the Middle than the Cleavers! LOL, just kidding.
I'm dreading work tomorrow because I know how I am. When I'm sad, I cry. When I'm upset, I cry. When I'm mad, I cry. It's going to be a long week. However, I'll be going to the Church for Kims visitation. I'll be saying lots of prayers for her family and friends. And I'll know that Kim is in a better place.
