I can't even believe that it's December and I haven't been here to say hello since April. SO MUCH has happened in our lives. It's going to take a while to catch you up.
First of all....Merry Christmas! I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of year. My house is so festive. I haven't wrapped any presents yet, but there are decorations and lights EVERYWHERE! I've been baking so I'll try to add some delicious recipees to my recipee blog.
I don't even know where to begin....I glanced back at a couple of my last posts and I was pretty angry. I had just left my job to be a stay-at-home mom. Plus, we had just bought a new house, so I was in the process of packing. Ohhhh packing! I hate the packing and the unpacking. So much that I can't imagine ever wanting to do it EVER again! :)
It took a while, but things have settled down in the Watkins household. We're getting used to living in Saranac again and we've unpacked almost every box in the storage room. Best of all, we're happy. I really feel like our family is happy. And that's a really good feeling. I've gotten used to being at home and taking care of Scott and the kids. And the house. And the dogs. No really, it's all good, and our family is happy so that's what counts.
I was struggling with being at home the last time I posted. But, I've got 7 more months of therapy under my belt and I'm getting a routine down. Not too much routine, but just enough to keep me happy. I think I was feeling really unappreciated. I think sometimes a family can just become so used to someone doing everything that they forget to appreciate just how much a mom does. I've learned to communicate better with Scott and I don't have many of those meltdown days anymore.
I know my post is a little boring tonight, I wasn't sure about what I wanted to write. But now that I'm here, the ideas are popping into my head. I didn't have a spectacular childhood, but my parents sure did a great job with having family traditions for Christmas. Honestly, Christmas is my favorite childhood memory. So, I think that's what I'm going to write about next time. I'm trying really hard to create the same memories for my kids. It's not always easy...we have a pretty big age gap with the kids. But we try and I'm going to share some memories this month.
My Thoughts For Today:
Something else I discovered just recently actually and looking back at my last couple posts just enforces what I think. Life is really tough. I know that nobody promised it would be easy, but I've struggled with the bumps in the road my entire life. I've never learned how to deal with the big problems or even the little ones. That's why I started going to therapy. Slowly, and I mean slowly, I am figuring out how to handle some of the stresses of life. It's not easy, and everyone has them.
I was helping Jason recently with something very serious and very stressful. It had me so tied up inside that I was having some pretty serious anxiety attacks, and it was keeping me from sleeping. I didn't have a therapy appt set up until after this so I had to figure out how to handle it without completely losing it. So, I prayed.
If you know me, you know I'm not a super religious pushy kinda person. But, I prayed and prayed and it helped me. Once I was done helping Jason get through this serious thing, I remember being in the car thinking....this is just every day life. Who has a perfect life? People handle bumps in the road every single day of their lives without having meltdowns. So, I'm wondering how I can. I started by going to Google and searching information on "Obsessive Thoughts". I never thought of myself as obsessive, but reality slapped me in the face. I'm a worrier. I worry and worry and worry.
I'm not a neat freak. I don't have all my canned goods lined up according to size and alphabetically organized. I just worry. I worry about things I have no control over. Friend of the Court sent me paperwork for an automatic child support review. I guess it's been over 6 years since it was looked at. So, I filled out my paperwork an andd sent it in and started to worry. What if they reduce it? He pays so little now and 16 year old young women are expensive to raise. What if they increase it? He will most definitely dispute it and then we'll have to go to a court hearing.
I realized I was just getting on a roll with worry. I was worrying about Jason, even though there was nothing I could do about it. By the way, it had to do with Two Men And A Truck in Wyoming, MI. If you ever have to move....call Big Brother or some other moving company. Two Men And A Truck treat their employees TERRIBLE! The owner will soon be in trouble with the Wage and Labor Div of the State of MI. He's expensive and not customer friendly if you have damages!
Enough of that, I was worrying about Jason, I was worrying about FOC, I was worrying about having money for Christmas. I have four kids after all. There was one obsessive worry after another. I couldn't stop myself. The day of Jason's deal, I had to take an anxiety pill. The first in a long time and I was very disappointed in myself for my inability to deal with the stress.
I found an article that made sense to me. Basically it told me that your mind is separate from your body. Think about it, things pop up in your mind all the time. You can be sitting there and some random thought or memory will pop into your head. With me, negative and stressful thoughts keep popping up in my head and then I give it alot of energy and attention. Then the anxiety attacks start. My goal, is to change how I deal with those thoughts. It's not easy. It feels like work, to have a thought pop into your head and you have to physically push it away. Don't give it energy. If I do, it will become this ugly monster that gets out of control.
So, I guess what I'm getting at is that this happens to everyone. I'm not alone in worrying. So, I'm going to try harder not to focus on the negative thoughts and worry. I know it can be done because of Scott. Scott is the most positive person I know. I don't think I've ever heard him say he's had a bad day. He always thinks that things could be worse. And he's right. I love how positive he is. Once you start paying attention to positive thoughts you discover how negative other people are. I'll keep you updated.
Well, this was a great night back. I wasn't sure that I could think of something good to talk about. Maybe it wasn't good to you, but it felt good to me to write about my worrying. I'm still going to worry...I think that's the mom, wife, and friend in me....but I'm trying not to make the worry turn me into a witch!
Thanks for stopping by. I promise not to be as boring next time.
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