I'm trying something new. I have been suffering with insomnia for about 3 1/2 weeks now. It's 11pm and I am sitting here wide awake, and tired as hell.
I'm trying something new, I'm calling it a little bit of blogging therapy. I think I've had probably the worst three weeks that I can remember in a very long time. I was having serious issues with my wisdom teeth and it started back in October. (Here comes my pity party.) Well, I did have a little dental work done, but it's so expensive and it Christmas was coming fast.
Then I discovered that I had Dental insurance available to me beginning January 1st. YAY!!! So, I was able to schedule an appointment with my dentist and an oral surgeon and have my wisdom teeth out last week. Well, I spent about a month in misery taking Darvocet. I was so miserable that I couldn't sleep at night....if you've ever had a toothache in your life you know exactly what I mean. I was physically sick from hurting so bad.
So, pain pills, and then no sleep at night....I started napping during the day because I could only sleep in bits and pieces.
Thanks so much, my sleeping is completely fucked up right now. I'm so tired that my head is pounding.....yet I lay here and cannot fall asleep.
Let's add more to this wonderful story called my life. Scott has convinced me that we should sell our house. Well, our property taxes in the City are insane and for the same house in the country we could drop our house payment....and have property....for about $300 less a month. Ok, I like that idea. But we haven't even been pre-approved for a friggin loan yet. Our mortgage guy is working on it and I'm freaking out. The sign went in the yard today and someone already wants to come through the house.
A lady called our office a couple weeks ago who was freaking out and had to schedule a move. Why was she freaking out? Well the housing market in Michigan sucks so they had put their house on the market figuring they would probably sell it in the spring. Well, their home sold in two days and they had no place to go.
So, right now, I'm freaking out. In the past, when we decided to sell our home we had everything perfect. I mean perfect. We don't have that right now. We still have some painting to do....and I wanted to clean my living room carpet. So now, I have to squeeze all this in my Saturday afternoon, and Scott will be at work all day. That means, I'm on my own with four kids running around. This is not going to go well.
So, I have that going for me. I know, I sound selfish because two serious things happened recently and I'm just now getting to it. My Grandma Gannon is diabetic and she bumped her foot. Doesn't sound like a big deal right? Well, she doesn't take care of her diabetes like she should and her foot got an infection in it....and eventually it turned black with infection. So, my Uncle had to practically drag her to the hospital. Thankfully he did because they told her if she had waited another day they would have been amputating her foot. So, they put her on antibiotics and tried to get the infection under control.
I think my mom even told me it swelled so much it opened up. UGH, that's beyond what I can even think about. Well, to save her foot, the doctors at Blodgett decided they needed to surgically go in and remove some of the infection from her foot. Well, when they put her under her heart stopped. This is not the first time this happened to my Grandma. She's not exactly young anymore and she ended up in ICU. So, because she didn't want them to use a local to numb her foot, she almost died.
Now, this is my mom's mom. My Grandpa Gannon passed away when I was two years old, and I don't really remember him.
Then my mom calls me yesterday and tells me that they were taking Grandpa (my dad's dad) to the hospital because they think he's had a stroke. Well, he did. He had a stroke and has some kind of infection. They actually sent him right back to his nursing home because there isn't anything they can do for him.
I've had this awful feeling about my Grandpa today. You know that sometimes you just feel like something is going to happen. All day I just felt like I had to go see Grandpa today. So, I called my mom and asked her to meet me there....and Jason went to. I just saw him at Thanksgiving, which seems like forever now.....and he looks so different. He looks......I can't describe it.
I talked to my sister Tina on my way home from work and the oddest thing. She said she had the same feeling about Grandpa today and she had been to see him today. She said when she got there he was laying on his bed resting. She sat down and was talking to him and in the middle of a sentence he just stopped talking and his mouth kinda hung open....and then he didn't breathe right away. She said she freaked out and started to cry because she thought that he'd passed away right there in front of her.
Well, the only thing I could think about was being in Ohio with Scotts mom and the book that Hospice gave us that talked about the signs of end of life. This is one of the signs. It's exactly the same thing that happened with Jan and all I have done today is cry my eyes out.
Grandpa is 91. He told me today that he never thought he would live to be 91 years old and that he's had a good long life. Well, he had told Tina that Jim Topp had been there last night and he came into Grandpa's room by his bed and shook his hand. They talked about their gardens and just had the best talk. Well, Jim passed away a long time ago and used to be a neighbor of Grandpa's. They were two old guys who loved to garden.
If you have ever watched Ghost Hunters and have seen TAPS at work, you would believe that Jim Topp actually did visit Grandpa last night. I believe in Angels and I think that my Grandpa is starting to see people who have passed. I think he's getting ready to go.
When I was a little kid my Grandpa looked old like a Grandpa. He has looked the same for my entire life...from the time I was a little kid riding my big wheel through his garage on Weber st. to today. He's the Grandpa who has been old forever so he will live forever. I have the best memories of being at his house. Alot of my best memories are from being at his house...even though we had to watch Lawrence Welk, lol. He always had a stocking for Tina and I with Minute Rice in it for Christmas because it was our favorite!
So, when I was there tonight visiting him I didn't even know what to say to him. I tried to be cheerful and all I wanted to do was cry....and when I left I cried all the way home. I don't think Jason knew what to say either, he was very quiet. It's really hard to see someone in this kind of medical condition that is so different from what you've known your entire life. I don't even know how the hell my dad is handling it. I honestly don't!
To top off my day yesterday, I was texting back and forth with Janice and I found out that a friend of mine lost her son last Wednesday. He was a Sgt. in the military and was killed in Afghanistan last week. He was only 23 years old. Scott said that he'd heard about a soldier from Lowell being killed, but I had been so sick with my teeth and lack of sleep that I didn't know. Once I realized from Janice who this young man was, all I have done is cry. More crying, and more crying.
Now, I'm not super close with his mom but we were good friends many years ago when Paul and I were married and we ran into each other often. I had seen her just a few weeks ago, as a matter of fact....and I didn't even realize that Lucas was in the military. But for some reason, along with all the things I've already talked about....all I can think about is Jeannie and the fact that she has lost her son. They've been waiting and waiting to hear about when his body would be flown into Grand Rapids, finally today they found out that he'll be flown in Thursday morning.
Lowell is doing all kinds of fantastic things to show Jeannie's family support. Flags will be lining the bridges and because she is a bus driver, all the busses will be lined up with people and supporters at the fairgrounds...which are just past the bridge that will be lined with flags.
I cannot even imagine how it would be to lose a child. I don't ever want to know. NEVER! I think that having a son who is almost 18 is making me feel even worse about it because I just cannot imagine how I would even survive...mentally....if he were to join the military and go overseas.
I'm not anti-military....trust me. Scott spent ten years in the Army and I have all the respect that I could have. I'm just scared to death of losing m y child in a war.....and I know that every parent with a child in the military feels the same way. So, I keep thinking about Jeannie and praying that she is ok and that God will give her strength. A parent shouldn't have to bury a child...period!
So, now do you see why I can't sleep? My sleep pattern is so screwed up and my Doc offered me some meds but I hate to take stuff like that. The last time I tried a prescription sleeping pill, it knocked me out so hard....I didn't like it. I have little kids in the house and I need to hear it if they wake up. Sami is cutting teeth and she wakes up sometimes and wants a drink or some tylenol. Then, she goes right back to sleep.
But tomorrow is going to be another bad day. It's nearly midnight and here I am. I'll be up just before 7am to get John off to school. Then, I'm meeting Janice and going to the fairgrounds to show our support for Jeannie and her son. Then, I have to work, come home and do laundry and clean for showing our house on Sat. I'm trying to get some things boxed up so we don't look so cluttered and full around here. The amount of stuff we have is ridiculous.
So, does anyone have any ideas for me? I'd hoped that by getting this all out on "paper" I might feel better and be able to set it aside and go to sleep tonight. But, it's not working. When Scott and I have a "difference of opinion" aka fight, I write in my journal and I feel better and then I can sleep. But this time, it just doesn't seem to be working. I'm at the top of what I can handle mentally. Honestly, I think my head will explode if one more bad thing happens.
Tina and I talked about this today, and we both feel like there is just something bad happening in this world right now. Wars, terrorists, young people dead in weird accidents.....how long before something tragic hits us close to home? The world seems so screwed up right now. Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Yemen, Isreal, terrorists coming into the US. A freaking crazy liberal President, and speaker who are taking our wonderful country down the toilet. How long before something really terrible directly affect my family?
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