This morning, I discovered that my husband Scott is a guy!
I'm always singing his praises because he's such a good guy and for the most part he is.....I don't want to say sensitive........he is "aware" of my needs. He's not typically a self-absorbed type of guy and he knows when I need a little extra assurance.
He's been working alot lately and we haven't seen much of each other. I've been bitching about this asthma that has been bothering me the last couple of weeks, and it makes me cough and cough and cough. So, I take cough medicine at night and it makes me sleepy. So, typically I'm asleep when he gets home. My point is that, after work is usually when Scott and I have a half hour or so to actually talk about our day and just catch up on what's happening in the family. Hasn't been that way the last two or three weeks.
If you read my last post, you know that I've had a couple of rough days. I was trying to talk to Scott about it this morning. I was telling him that I felt like I overate, but what I ate wasn't terrible. It was just too much. As I'm talking, he's not really responding and finally he says, "I'm sick of hearing about it, ok! You just need to have some discipline."
WHAT? Did you suddenly turn into a typically misunderstanding husband? Did you suddenly forget to have empathy for your wife?
At the moment, he doesn't have a clue. It reminded me that men don't understand the ups and downs in the life of a woman. This is not male bashing. They just really don't understand. Some are more sensitive to the issues we have, but they really just don't get it!
So, it pissed me off.
He's gone to Biolife now and I'm going to exercize....so maybe it did motivate me. It also told me that I need to find someone else to be my backup person to confide in and be accountable to. This time though, I better pick a girl!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Hoping To Have Better Days
For any woman who has ever tried to lose weight, you know where I am at right now. I've had a tough couple of days and I guess I need some moral support.
First of all, dieting sucks. When I met with Julie she told me that I should look at the Dash eating plan as a way to change my life. A way to change my eating habits. Bullshit! Changing your eating habits, after 39 years of bad eating habits is hard. I'm not talking about colonoscopy hard.....It's beyond that! Come on girls, you know what I mean.
I'm in blue today. There is a reason for that. I'm terribly upset with myself for straying. Here's what happened, and you can tell me how bad it was. I weighed myself Tuesday morning. I was on top of the world because it was the least that I have weighed in over 3 years. I was thrilled.
I went to work, I left late for some reason.....you know how crazy mornings can be when you're getting kids around for school. Well, I forgot to eat breakfast......so in a crazy fury I ate a little bit of raisin bran. Then, I was out the door. I did make a lunch the night before so I had that at my advantage. I ate an apple when I got to work because I was starving.
At lunch time, I had brought boneless chicken breast that I had cooked in Italian dressing. It was chopped up and mixed with lettuce, one of my favorite things. Here is where I went wrong. I brought a pita to work because I like to stuff the chicken etc into the pita as a sandwich. Well, I cut the pita in half...and proceeded to eat both halves. I also ate a smal baggie of baked lays.
When I got home, I was starving. Not a good thing, because I still had to make dinner. Jason doesnt' get home until 6 - 6:30ish. So, I knew we wouldn't eat until then. So, I ate an apple. I had Scott put a roast into the crock pot and had Jourdan add carrots and baby potatoes. I figured it would be done around 6pm and I could mostly stick with the veggies and be ok for the day. Well, 6pm showed up and the roast wasn't even near done. I guess when Scott put it in the crock put, he put it on Low. It didn't get turned onto High until Jourdan got home. In a nutshell, it wasn't done until 8:00!
What are my options? Last minute dinner and the kids are starving. I'm starving and crabby about it. So, I decide on Spaghetti. Not exactly a diet food. In my mind I keep thinking portion control, Tracy. Just think about portion control! Well, I blew it. I had a scoop of spaghetti with sauce and then I added the parmesean cheese. WHY DID I ADD THE CHEESE? Then, a SECOND helping. I let myself get too hungry and I had a second helping of spaghetti. WHY? WHY? WHY? I don't know that I was still hungry but it's like this mechanism kicked in in my brain that said....EAT EAT EAT. Why do I eat when I'm not that hungry? If I knew the answer, I would be a size 4!
On top of all that, the entire day I was having this crazy, and I mean crazy, craving for salt. I think because I know I'm on a low-salt diet I want it even more. It was literally driving me nuts wanting salt. I could have taken the salt shaker and dumped it in my mouth.
I'm wondering if my body is just going through some withdrawals. I explained to Julie that I get to about the third day and I just poop out on any diet I've ever tried! This is about the right timing. I did work out a little bit last night. I tried doing my regular workout with weights, but my upper body is pretty sore. I have at least worked out, to some extent every day.
So began a fresh new day today. John has been sick so I knew I had to get to work bright and early and then leave by 12:30 so I could be home in time for Scott to go to work. First mistake, left the house without eating breakfast. I had a little bit of leftover diced chicken and lettuce at work so I put just a little bit of light italian on it and had it for lunch....at 11am. I know, its early but I was so hungry. I even drank a coke at work. I haven't had pop in.......seems like forever. I don't even think I finished it all.
I got home and for lunch I had a bowl of soup with some crackers. When I am dieting it's like I become obsessed with food. Like last night, and it was late, I had some baked chips and two or three dill pickle spears. Not too bad, unless you consider the salt intake. So what do I do? I eat the same thing again after eating my soup.
Then I found myself rummaging through the fridge and the cupboard. WTF! Something Julie told me jumped into my head. When I start behaving this way I need to stop and ask myself why I am eating. Am I hungry? No, I wasn't hungry. Am I bored? Yes, I was bored. Am I stressed? Yes, I am very stressed about the kids and about our finances right now. It's a short pay week for work and it's a tight money week. Why did I want to eat? I wasn't sure, but I did know that it wasn't because I was hungry.
So, I poured a huge glass of water and got out my hand weights. I worked out for about 20 minutes and then took the kids for a walk. I wasn't gone long, 20 or 30 minutes.....but at least I did something. Right now, I have chicken in the oven. I took the skin off before I seasoned then and put them in the oven. I'm going to make some rice and greenbeans.
Right now, I'm tired and sore. I'm so tired that I feel like I could take a nap. But, I have more laundry to do and I need to get the rest of our dinner started. I pray that I have the strength to keep my portions under control. I don't want to do the exercize for nothing. I don't like to walk, but it's the best thing for me to do. I'm just looking for some strength. Scott is usually my strength but he has been working so much that I have hardly seen him in the last week and a half. So, I'm feeling very weak right now.
I hate being hungry. I don't even know that I was hungry, seriously. I am just so used to eating what I want and overeating when I'm not even hungry. It's so stupid. Lord, help me break this cycle of overeating.
Well, that was on Monday. The only bright spot in all of this was that I did exercize...a little. I worked with my weights for about 20 minutes. I didn't walk. I just felt like crap because I knew that I overate.
First of all, dieting sucks. When I met with Julie she told me that I should look at the Dash eating plan as a way to change my life. A way to change my eating habits. Bullshit! Changing your eating habits, after 39 years of bad eating habits is hard. I'm not talking about colonoscopy hard.....It's beyond that! Come on girls, you know what I mean.
I'm in blue today. There is a reason for that. I'm terribly upset with myself for straying. Here's what happened, and you can tell me how bad it was. I weighed myself Tuesday morning. I was on top of the world because it was the least that I have weighed in over 3 years. I was thrilled.
I went to work, I left late for some reason.....you know how crazy mornings can be when you're getting kids around for school. Well, I forgot to eat breakfast......so in a crazy fury I ate a little bit of raisin bran. Then, I was out the door. I did make a lunch the night before so I had that at my advantage. I ate an apple when I got to work because I was starving.
At lunch time, I had brought boneless chicken breast that I had cooked in Italian dressing. It was chopped up and mixed with lettuce, one of my favorite things. Here is where I went wrong. I brought a pita to work because I like to stuff the chicken etc into the pita as a sandwich. Well, I cut the pita in half...and proceeded to eat both halves. I also ate a smal baggie of baked lays.
When I got home, I was starving. Not a good thing, because I still had to make dinner. Jason doesnt' get home until 6 - 6:30ish. So, I knew we wouldn't eat until then. So, I ate an apple. I had Scott put a roast into the crock pot and had Jourdan add carrots and baby potatoes. I figured it would be done around 6pm and I could mostly stick with the veggies and be ok for the day. Well, 6pm showed up and the roast wasn't even near done. I guess when Scott put it in the crock put, he put it on Low. It didn't get turned onto High until Jourdan got home. In a nutshell, it wasn't done until 8:00!
What are my options? Last minute dinner and the kids are starving. I'm starving and crabby about it. So, I decide on Spaghetti. Not exactly a diet food. In my mind I keep thinking portion control, Tracy. Just think about portion control! Well, I blew it. I had a scoop of spaghetti with sauce and then I added the parmesean cheese. WHY DID I ADD THE CHEESE? Then, a SECOND helping. I let myself get too hungry and I had a second helping of spaghetti. WHY? WHY? WHY? I don't know that I was still hungry but it's like this mechanism kicked in in my brain that said....EAT EAT EAT. Why do I eat when I'm not that hungry? If I knew the answer, I would be a size 4!
On top of all that, the entire day I was having this crazy, and I mean crazy, craving for salt. I think because I know I'm on a low-salt diet I want it even more. It was literally driving me nuts wanting salt. I could have taken the salt shaker and dumped it in my mouth.
I'm wondering if my body is just going through some withdrawals. I explained to Julie that I get to about the third day and I just poop out on any diet I've ever tried! This is about the right timing. I did work out a little bit last night. I tried doing my regular workout with weights, but my upper body is pretty sore. I have at least worked out, to some extent every day.
So began a fresh new day today. John has been sick so I knew I had to get to work bright and early and then leave by 12:30 so I could be home in time for Scott to go to work. First mistake, left the house without eating breakfast. I had a little bit of leftover diced chicken and lettuce at work so I put just a little bit of light italian on it and had it for lunch....at 11am. I know, its early but I was so hungry. I even drank a coke at work. I haven't had pop in.......seems like forever. I don't even think I finished it all.
I got home and for lunch I had a bowl of soup with some crackers. When I am dieting it's like I become obsessed with food. Like last night, and it was late, I had some baked chips and two or three dill pickle spears. Not too bad, unless you consider the salt intake. So what do I do? I eat the same thing again after eating my soup.
Then I found myself rummaging through the fridge and the cupboard. WTF! Something Julie told me jumped into my head. When I start behaving this way I need to stop and ask myself why I am eating. Am I hungry? No, I wasn't hungry. Am I bored? Yes, I was bored. Am I stressed? Yes, I am very stressed about the kids and about our finances right now. It's a short pay week for work and it's a tight money week. Why did I want to eat? I wasn't sure, but I did know that it wasn't because I was hungry.
So, I poured a huge glass of water and got out my hand weights. I worked out for about 20 minutes and then took the kids for a walk. I wasn't gone long, 20 or 30 minutes.....but at least I did something. Right now, I have chicken in the oven. I took the skin off before I seasoned then and put them in the oven. I'm going to make some rice and greenbeans.
Right now, I'm tired and sore. I'm so tired that I feel like I could take a nap. But, I have more laundry to do and I need to get the rest of our dinner started. I pray that I have the strength to keep my portions under control. I don't want to do the exercize for nothing. I don't like to walk, but it's the best thing for me to do. I'm just looking for some strength. Scott is usually my strength but he has been working so much that I have hardly seen him in the last week and a half. So, I'm feeling very weak right now.
I hate being hungry. I don't even know that I was hungry, seriously. I am just so used to eating what I want and overeating when I'm not even hungry. It's so stupid. Lord, help me break this cycle of overeating.
Well, that was on Monday. The only bright spot in all of this was that I did exercize...a little. I worked with my weights for about 20 minutes. I didn't walk. I just felt like crap because I knew that I overate.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Health Care Scare
I just have to sound off about something. Scott was telling me over the weekend that if this Obama healthcare plan passes one of two things are going to happen. We will either lose our current health insurance, or Carbonne is going to increase the rate, substantially, that we have to contribute to keep the insurance we have.
It's hard to know what to believe. To me, the government doesn't know how to run anything. Whatever they touch, they mess up, there is so much beauracracy and waste that it makes me sick. I think that's what will happen with a government run health care.
If you were an employer, what would you do. Would you continue to offer health insurance as a fringe benefit to your employees, or would you say screw it and get rid of it...making your employees get onto the government plan? I know that our insurance for our family is over $500 a month. Multiply that by 100 em,ployees and tell me what you would do as an employer.
We will end up in the government run health care. They compare it to Medicaid (the Dems that is). Let me tell you, I have experience with Medicaid. When I was faced with Jason and Jourdan not having insurance, thanks to their still unemployed dad, I had to apply to the state for MIChild. I pay for the kids to have the insurance, he doesn't, I do. It is deducted from the amount of child support that he pays in...but it's deducted from the amount that they send to me.
So, the kids have had the Medicaid type insurance for the last four or five years. Jourdan has terrible allergies but they won't cover allergy medicine because you can buy it over the counter. Well that shit doesn't work for her so she is out of luck. We have to see a particular doctor if we want the appointment to be covered under the insurance. I've also discovered, after Jason's shoulder injury, that it does not cover many things that he has needed.
Did you know that football is considered an extra-curricular activity and the insurance company does not feel that he "needs" to play. They don't want to cover the things that he needs to protect his ankles and shoulder, because it's an extra-curricular activity. WTF! So, $300 or so later I'm sitting here wondering how this government plan will be better than the BCBS that Scott and I have right now.
I had Sami by C-Section at Metro Health hospital. My bill ran over $20,000 and I didn't have to fork out one single penny of that. Blue Cross picked up every dime of it. Bless their hearts, they have been the best insurance we have had and it makes me sick to think of losing this great insurance that we are very lucky to have.
I was lucky tonight to get a call for a "PHONE TOWN HALL MEETING" with Rep. Vern Ehlers. I was not able to ask my question, because they ran out of time, but I was able to leave a message and was promised a phone call back within a day. I was happy about this and look forward to hearing what he has to say about the health care reform. I'll update you when I hear something.
It's hard to know what to believe. To me, the government doesn't know how to run anything. Whatever they touch, they mess up, there is so much beauracracy and waste that it makes me sick. I think that's what will happen with a government run health care.
If you were an employer, what would you do. Would you continue to offer health insurance as a fringe benefit to your employees, or would you say screw it and get rid of it...making your employees get onto the government plan? I know that our insurance for our family is over $500 a month. Multiply that by 100 em,ployees and tell me what you would do as an employer.
We will end up in the government run health care. They compare it to Medicaid (the Dems that is). Let me tell you, I have experience with Medicaid. When I was faced with Jason and Jourdan not having insurance, thanks to their still unemployed dad, I had to apply to the state for MIChild. I pay for the kids to have the insurance, he doesn't, I do. It is deducted from the amount of child support that he pays in...but it's deducted from the amount that they send to me.
So, the kids have had the Medicaid type insurance for the last four or five years. Jourdan has terrible allergies but they won't cover allergy medicine because you can buy it over the counter. Well that shit doesn't work for her so she is out of luck. We have to see a particular doctor if we want the appointment to be covered under the insurance. I've also discovered, after Jason's shoulder injury, that it does not cover many things that he has needed.
Did you know that football is considered an extra-curricular activity and the insurance company does not feel that he "needs" to play. They don't want to cover the things that he needs to protect his ankles and shoulder, because it's an extra-curricular activity. WTF! So, $300 or so later I'm sitting here wondering how this government plan will be better than the BCBS that Scott and I have right now.
I had Sami by C-Section at Metro Health hospital. My bill ran over $20,000 and I didn't have to fork out one single penny of that. Blue Cross picked up every dime of it. Bless their hearts, they have been the best insurance we have had and it makes me sick to think of losing this great insurance that we are very lucky to have.
I was lucky tonight to get a call for a "PHONE TOWN HALL MEETING" with Rep. Vern Ehlers. I was not able to ask my question, because they ran out of time, but I was able to leave a message and was promised a phone call back within a day. I was happy about this and look forward to hearing what he has to say about the health care reform. I'll update you when I hear something.
Friday, September 18, 2009
The Lowell PInk Arrows
To your right you will see a photo of Jason wearing his 2009 Pink Arrows Jersey. On September 11, 2009 the Lowell "Pink" Arrows played in honor of cancer victims and survivors. Jason played in honor of Scott's mom, Janis Watkins, who died of lung cancer 3 years ago. Scott walked across the field with Jason and Janis' name was announced. It makes me cry when I watch the video because I am so proud of Jason and Scott. You'll see the name Watkins on the back of Jason's jersey. It was so special to us that he played in this Pink Arrow game, even having his name announced several times for tackling players from the Grand Rapids Union High School.
The September 11, 2009 game was so incredibly amazing. It was a sea of pink in the stands. The pink parade of band members, cheerleaders, and players was led down the path from the highschool by two police cruisers and a firetruck! It was an amazing sight. I cannot describe the pride that I felt that my son was part of this event.
Jason had the opportunity to choose who he wanted to play for, and he chose Grandma Jan. It's my hope that she was watching over Scott and Jason that night and saw that we remembered her in this way and that we think about her every day. We really miss her.
Jan was so young when she died. 64 years old, and Scott's dad John (who we named our John after) died of cancer at the age of 59. To me, I have this fear that if Scott and I don't do something to make our health better, we won't live a long life and see our grandchildren grow up. John and Sam are very young and I want to see their children grow up. I want to see Jason and Jourdan's children and grandchildren. Having high blood pressure and high cholesterol is not the answer to that goal. So here we are, working to get healthy.
I was sitting in the stands and happened to look over to where the band was playing before the parade started and I saw Scott Story. Actually, I saw him from the back and on the back of his t-shirt it simply said "Story". I hoped to go over and say hi to him, but there were about 3000 people between the two of us. It made me think of Dee and how Scott is way to young to have lost his young wife. I think about him alot, even though we don't know each other well. But his loss of Dee has touched my heart and makes me think of my own health and my dear husbands health. Losing two parents at such a young age, scares the hell out of me.
So, now you know my thought process and my motivation. To get healthy. I don't need to be a size 4. I just want to be healthy. I want to see my children grow up and I want to see my grandkids and my greatgrandkids. It's that simple.
The September 11, 2009 game was so incredibly amazing. It was a sea of pink in the stands. The pink parade of band members, cheerleaders, and players was led down the path from the highschool by two police cruisers and a firetruck! It was an amazing sight. I cannot describe the pride that I felt that my son was part of this event.
Jason had the opportunity to choose who he wanted to play for, and he chose Grandma Jan. It's my hope that she was watching over Scott and Jason that night and saw that we remembered her in this way and that we think about her every day. We really miss her.
Jan was so young when she died. 64 years old, and Scott's dad John (who we named our John after) died of cancer at the age of 59. To me, I have this fear that if Scott and I don't do something to make our health better, we won't live a long life and see our grandchildren grow up. John and Sam are very young and I want to see their children grow up. I want to see Jason and Jourdan's children and grandchildren. Having high blood pressure and high cholesterol is not the answer to that goal. So here we are, working to get healthy.
I was sitting in the stands and happened to look over to where the band was playing before the parade started and I saw Scott Story. Actually, I saw him from the back and on the back of his t-shirt it simply said "Story". I hoped to go over and say hi to him, but there were about 3000 people between the two of us. It made me think of Dee and how Scott is way to young to have lost his young wife. I think about him alot, even though we don't know each other well. But his loss of Dee has touched my heart and makes me think of my own health and my dear husbands health. Losing two parents at such a young age, scares the hell out of me.
So, now you know my thought process and my motivation. To get healthy. I don't need to be a size 4. I just want to be healthy. I want to see my children grow up and I want to see my grandkids and my greatgrandkids. It's that simple.
A New Beginning
I'm on the edge of a new beginning. Yesterday I was writing about seeing the Nutritionist. I think that was a good thing. I've had a chance to go through all of the information she gave me and I've been on the website she gave me for some extra help.
After leaving her office I felt like, that's it? A bunch of papers and I'm on my own? Well, I'm not really on my own. I did some good things yesterday, meaning I got off my dead ass and did something.
Today, it's 11:00 in the morning and here I am, on my day off, and I've done two loads of laundry, cleaned up the house, and I've worked out with weights. They are just little five pound hand weights, but at least I did something. Julie told me to start with 20 minutes a day, so that's what I did. Believe it or not, I got my heart rate up and I broke a sweat. That tells me I'm doing something.
I must have a rush of oxygen to my muscles because I feel a little jittery. I think I read that somewhere. When you've been doing nothing for so long, and then you start exercizing your body gets a rush of oxygen to areas that haven't gotten it for a while, and you feel a little jittery. It's not a bad feeling, maybe it's the endorphins releasing into my system.
I'm supposed to have Scott here for my moral support, to keep me on track. He's been working alot of OT this week, so I haven't seen him. Seriously, I have seen him for about 5 minutes each day and that's hardly time to talk about anything. He get's out of work at 6pm tonight, but we'll be at the football game, so I guess we'll catch up with weekend. I wonder if he even noticed the lingerie hanging on the bedroom wall when he came in last night at 12:30??? Probably thinks I'm nuts.
OMG, Samantha is being such a little shit head this morning. John is at school so its just Sam and I. I'm on the computer so she is doing everything she can to get my attention. Touching the computer, changing the TV, pausing the TV, getting into the cabinet under the TV, getting into the silverware drawer, getting into the junk food cupboard (which is pretty empty), trying to drink my water, pulling the dogs tail.....I could go on and on. What a little creep!
Spongebob is her favorite and I have that on....the movie...but she would rather have my full attention.
Back to my new beginning. I haven't started the food portion yet. I had to get through all of the information that Julie sent home with me. I need to make a menu and a shopping list. And taking any children shopping with me is NOT an option. How can you look at labels and make sure that you are getting what you want when you are fighting with three kids to keep their hands off everything ont he shelves. Good heavens, talk about stress! So I'll shop tomorrow.
I did a good thing, food wise yesterday and today, and a bad thing by eating a brownie. But starving myself and never allowing myself to have anything good will surely set me up for failure. The great thing is that I have Dr. Kern working with me, and the dietician working with me. Scott wants to get 20 more pounds off.....he did his weight loss the wrong way last time and put some of it back on. It's different for men, we all know that.
So, I know I'm rambling on, but this is going to be my sounding board for those tough days. You can read my posts, or you don't have to. It just feels good to get these frustrations, as well as the successes in print. I feel good that I've finally come to a point where I want to do something good for myself.
I'm going to end this post for now. I want to write about the pink arrow game. This is sorta what got me going in this direction with the dietician. More about that in my next post.
Thanks for listening.
After leaving her office I felt like, that's it? A bunch of papers and I'm on my own? Well, I'm not really on my own. I did some good things yesterday, meaning I got off my dead ass and did something.
Today, it's 11:00 in the morning and here I am, on my day off, and I've done two loads of laundry, cleaned up the house, and I've worked out with weights. They are just little five pound hand weights, but at least I did something. Julie told me to start with 20 minutes a day, so that's what I did. Believe it or not, I got my heart rate up and I broke a sweat. That tells me I'm doing something.
I must have a rush of oxygen to my muscles because I feel a little jittery. I think I read that somewhere. When you've been doing nothing for so long, and then you start exercizing your body gets a rush of oxygen to areas that haven't gotten it for a while, and you feel a little jittery. It's not a bad feeling, maybe it's the endorphins releasing into my system.
I'm supposed to have Scott here for my moral support, to keep me on track. He's been working alot of OT this week, so I haven't seen him. Seriously, I have seen him for about 5 minutes each day and that's hardly time to talk about anything. He get's out of work at 6pm tonight, but we'll be at the football game, so I guess we'll catch up with weekend. I wonder if he even noticed the lingerie hanging on the bedroom wall when he came in last night at 12:30??? Probably thinks I'm nuts.
OMG, Samantha is being such a little shit head this morning. John is at school so its just Sam and I. I'm on the computer so she is doing everything she can to get my attention. Touching the computer, changing the TV, pausing the TV, getting into the cabinet under the TV, getting into the silverware drawer, getting into the junk food cupboard (which is pretty empty), trying to drink my water, pulling the dogs tail.....I could go on and on. What a little creep!
Spongebob is her favorite and I have that on....the movie...but she would rather have my full attention.
Back to my new beginning. I haven't started the food portion yet. I had to get through all of the information that Julie sent home with me. I need to make a menu and a shopping list. And taking any children shopping with me is NOT an option. How can you look at labels and make sure that you are getting what you want when you are fighting with three kids to keep their hands off everything ont he shelves. Good heavens, talk about stress! So I'll shop tomorrow.
I did a good thing, food wise yesterday and today, and a bad thing by eating a brownie. But starving myself and never allowing myself to have anything good will surely set me up for failure. The great thing is that I have Dr. Kern working with me, and the dietician working with me. Scott wants to get 20 more pounds off.....he did his weight loss the wrong way last time and put some of it back on. It's different for men, we all know that.
So, I know I'm rambling on, but this is going to be my sounding board for those tough days. You can read my posts, or you don't have to. It just feels good to get these frustrations, as well as the successes in print. I feel good that I've finally come to a point where I want to do something good for myself.
I'm going to end this post for now. I want to write about the pink arrow game. This is sorta what got me going in this direction with the dietician. More about that in my next post.
Thanks for listening.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Dieting Hell Back In Action
Something crazy happened since my last post. I usually look at the number of visitors I have and it's been around 200. I haven't been on for a while, I'll talk about that in a minute. Low and behold I've had over 11,000 hits on my blog. WTF! One post about Obama and his socialistic ways and I get that many hits on my blog? I'm in shock!
I know I've been away for a while. I have been on Facebook, a little bit. I just haven't been in the mood. I've been moody and depressed. Who wants to listen to all that bullshit right?
So, here is what I have done to get out of my funk. I started going to Biolife to donate plasma. I thought it would help out some people and it would help us out financially at the same time. Problem is, my blood pressure went so friggin high because I had myself so worked up nervous, that I couldn't donate.
So, I went back again and the same thing happened. I guess third times a charm because I finally got through the physical process and donated my first plasma. Well, I haven't been able to since because I have my blood pressure under control, thanks to drugs my doc gave me....but my resting pulse has been around 123 ish. Ok, that's not good.
So, back to the doctor I went. Got on two different types of meds and we'll see what happens. So, you know by all this that we have tight finances. Who really wants to donate plasma? If you know me, you know that I am extremely scared of needles. I just told myself to suck it up.
Well, I'm still working on that.
Do you remember the whole reason I started this blog? It was to be about a struggling mom's journey for weight loss. To date, I've lost a total of 9 pounds. Whooptie Doo! 9 fucking pounds! I told Dr. Kern to get me some help or I'm going to have some kind of surgery to get back to where I want to be....45 pounds ago. This was a month ago.
Yesterday, I went to Metro Health Hospital and met with a dietician. It's the first step on the road to the new me. I had a nice meeting with Julie, but not what I expected. See, I have high blood pressure so the diet she wants me to work on is focussed on that. It's not exactly what I was looking for, but realistically its what is best for me.
I was telling her I have a goal outfit and she told me to take it out of the closet. So, today I did. It's hanging right in my bedroom where I can see it every single minute that I am in here. Maybe I need to hang it from the refrigerator? There's a thought, even though it is lingerie. I bought it when I met Scott, but I was still a little shy so I never wore it. So now, I need to get 45 pounds off of this body to be able to show him how good I look in it. There it is....staring at me right now. Swaying slightly from the fan. Black silky thinness, just waiting for me to slip it over my body....when its' 45 pounds lighter!
So I know you've heard this speech before, but now I have someone that I'm really accountable to. Julie. She also told me to trust Scott. She told me to get on the scales in front of him. OHHHH THE HORROR! I was prepared to do it, but was freaking out a little. Scott told me not to worry and that he only needs to know the number that I have lost. I"m ok with that.
I'm so tired of me. Does anyone else feel that way? I'm so tired of what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't like what I see. I'm ashamed at what I've let myself become. I'm emotional about it. I swear, the first 30 minutes of my meeting with the dietician I was crying my eyes out. She must have thought I was nuts.
She gave me a stack of information to go through and some goals to set. So, that's what I'm working on tonight. I know, I'm not doing that....I'm on my blog. However, I've read through most of it today and I need to shop. I need to get rid of the foods that are bad for me that I can't resist. I also need to discover what my triggers are. Boredom, anxiety, stress, and that nagging hungry feeling. Gawd I hate feeling hungry.
To make things even better, my asthma is just kicking my ass the last two weeks. What on earth is in the air? What did Julie tell me? Ragweed pollen? I'm so miserable. I was reading a post on Facebook from Scott Story. He was saying to someone that she was laughing cos she thought he was silly or something, and he replied that "he was laughing because he just farted". My first thought was that I was laughing because everytime I cough I need to pee! For crying out loud, TMI!
Ok, so this is my last ditch effort. I really don't want to go through any surgery. But, I also don't want to die when I am 50 years old. Practically everyone in my family, on my moms side, is a diabetic. Can you imagine me giving myself shots every day? Not bloody likely!
I did do a couple of good things today. I worked out with some hand weights for 20 minutes or so. Then I walked to the school and back to get John, that was about 30 minutes. Then tonight I took Sami and John for a walk for about an hour. I know it's not much, but I feel good for doing it. I know I'll make mistakes, like the brownie I just ate, but in my defense I haven't gotten through all the paperwork yet and I need to buy the appropriate foods for this to work. It's never good to let a good brownie go to waste. Even though that's exactly where it goes, right to my waist.
I'll keep you updated. Hopefully, I won't let you down this time. I know I've said that so many times before. I just can't stand myself anymore.
I know I've been away for a while. I have been on Facebook, a little bit. I just haven't been in the mood. I've been moody and depressed. Who wants to listen to all that bullshit right?
So, here is what I have done to get out of my funk. I started going to Biolife to donate plasma. I thought it would help out some people and it would help us out financially at the same time. Problem is, my blood pressure went so friggin high because I had myself so worked up nervous, that I couldn't donate.
So, I went back again and the same thing happened. I guess third times a charm because I finally got through the physical process and donated my first plasma. Well, I haven't been able to since because I have my blood pressure under control, thanks to drugs my doc gave me....but my resting pulse has been around 123 ish. Ok, that's not good.
So, back to the doctor I went. Got on two different types of meds and we'll see what happens. So, you know by all this that we have tight finances. Who really wants to donate plasma? If you know me, you know that I am extremely scared of needles. I just told myself to suck it up.
Well, I'm still working on that.
Do you remember the whole reason I started this blog? It was to be about a struggling mom's journey for weight loss. To date, I've lost a total of 9 pounds. Whooptie Doo! 9 fucking pounds! I told Dr. Kern to get me some help or I'm going to have some kind of surgery to get back to where I want to be....45 pounds ago. This was a month ago.
Yesterday, I went to Metro Health Hospital and met with a dietician. It's the first step on the road to the new me. I had a nice meeting with Julie, but not what I expected. See, I have high blood pressure so the diet she wants me to work on is focussed on that. It's not exactly what I was looking for, but realistically its what is best for me.
I was telling her I have a goal outfit and she told me to take it out of the closet. So, today I did. It's hanging right in my bedroom where I can see it every single minute that I am in here. Maybe I need to hang it from the refrigerator? There's a thought, even though it is lingerie. I bought it when I met Scott, but I was still a little shy so I never wore it. So now, I need to get 45 pounds off of this body to be able to show him how good I look in it. There it is....staring at me right now. Swaying slightly from the fan. Black silky thinness, just waiting for me to slip it over my body....when its' 45 pounds lighter!
So I know you've heard this speech before, but now I have someone that I'm really accountable to. Julie. She also told me to trust Scott. She told me to get on the scales in front of him. OHHHH THE HORROR! I was prepared to do it, but was freaking out a little. Scott told me not to worry and that he only needs to know the number that I have lost. I"m ok with that.
I'm so tired of me. Does anyone else feel that way? I'm so tired of what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't like what I see. I'm ashamed at what I've let myself become. I'm emotional about it. I swear, the first 30 minutes of my meeting with the dietician I was crying my eyes out. She must have thought I was nuts.
She gave me a stack of information to go through and some goals to set. So, that's what I'm working on tonight. I know, I'm not doing that....I'm on my blog. However, I've read through most of it today and I need to shop. I need to get rid of the foods that are bad for me that I can't resist. I also need to discover what my triggers are. Boredom, anxiety, stress, and that nagging hungry feeling. Gawd I hate feeling hungry.
To make things even better, my asthma is just kicking my ass the last two weeks. What on earth is in the air? What did Julie tell me? Ragweed pollen? I'm so miserable. I was reading a post on Facebook from Scott Story. He was saying to someone that she was laughing cos she thought he was silly or something, and he replied that "he was laughing because he just farted". My first thought was that I was laughing because everytime I cough I need to pee! For crying out loud, TMI!
Ok, so this is my last ditch effort. I really don't want to go through any surgery. But, I also don't want to die when I am 50 years old. Practically everyone in my family, on my moms side, is a diabetic. Can you imagine me giving myself shots every day? Not bloody likely!
I did do a couple of good things today. I worked out with some hand weights for 20 minutes or so. Then I walked to the school and back to get John, that was about 30 minutes. Then tonight I took Sami and John for a walk for about an hour. I know it's not much, but I feel good for doing it. I know I'll make mistakes, like the brownie I just ate, but in my defense I haven't gotten through all the paperwork yet and I need to buy the appropriate foods for this to work. It's never good to let a good brownie go to waste. Even though that's exactly where it goes, right to my waist.
I'll keep you updated. Hopefully, I won't let you down this time. I know I've said that so many times before. I just can't stand myself anymore.
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