A New Beginning: Again

First of all, I'm a moron.  I'll just get that right out there.  It was NOT the season finale for The Glades....that episode is this Sunday.  Durr!

Ok, so I'm willing myself out of my funk.  I'm taking the advice of my therapist and ignoring all of those icky feelings of sadness and pain over leaving a job that I totally LOVE!  Why would I do such a thing?  Well, because my employer is cheating several employees out of pay increases that they are due.  When I brought it to his attention, I was screamed at for 45 minutes in my office.

I love my job.  You know, I should clarify that.  I love the actual work I do at my job.  I have an important job at TMAT and alot of people depend on me.  I have probably 40 or 50 different responsibilities that I need to take care of throughout the month and it's totally my comfort zone.  THAT'S WHERE THE HAPPINESS ENDS! 

There is so much drama and stress and unhappiness within our office and moving staff.  After two years, I have discovered that my anxiety attacks and tension headaches are much worse the days that I am at the office.  So, I've made a decision.  I've been thinking about leaving this job for months, but stepping outside of my comfort zone is not something that I even wanted to entertain.  But after the mental and verbal beating I took in my office last Thursday.....well, that was enough for me. 

I've NEVER been yelled at by an employer.  He made me cry.  Oh, I didn't want to cry.  He was firing off questions left and right and all I could do is sit at my desk and try to breathe....very slowly...because if I tried to talk I was going to break.  That's how I handle happiness, sadness, stress, emotional moments.  I am a crier.  I did not want to give my boss the satisfaction, and I got to the end and he was about to leave my office.  But he kept pressing me to talk to him, and when I did I couldnt' help myself.  I'm very disappointed in myself for letting some tears come out.  They were angry tears.  He knows this about my personality and I don't think he was going to leave my office until he brought me to tears.

At any rate, I have made the decision to leave my job.  I have another job waiting.  I've actually been working two jobs for nearly a month and it's been really hard on my family.  It's the same pay and the people at the new place are FANTASTIC.  It's a real family environment.  I'm very thrilled to have the chance to work for the new office.  I'm sure once I am completely trained, I will feel more comfortable and I won't miss my TMAT job so much.

It was so bad on Thursday that I wrote a resignation letter, that I was going to deliver to my boss's office on Saturday.  And leave without notice.  But, that is not the right thing to do and I'm better than that.  I have invested over two years with this business and from day one, I loved the work I do there.  Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get through not being there anymore and knowing that someone else will be in my office doing my work.  Like I said, the work I love, the environment....not so much.

So, I'm going to go to work on Monday and I'm going to give my notice.  I have alot of personal items in my office that I want to bring home so I couldn't just not show up anymore.  I have my very own office there with pictures, and personal items, paperwork that is mine, notes, my coffee cup, etc.

I'm actually very sad about leaving.  I didn't sleep for shit last night.  I wasn't able to meet with my therapist this week so I've really had to rely on Scott for his help.  He's been very supportive and I became so desperate that I emailed my therapist.  After several email exchanges, she reinforced that I was making the right decision.  The environment at this office is toxic and I am trying to make myself feel better.  It won't happen working for TMAT. 

If you know me, you know that I'm not a particularly religious person.  However, I feel that God has a plan for all of us and that thing happen for a reason.  Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have taken this second job and I would have been content to just stay right at my other dysfunctional job for many more years.  I don't even remember applying for this new job, but they had my resume.  So, when one door is closing, another has opened for me.  My new boss even offered me a new cell phone this week.  They are very nice people and I hope that they are happy with the work I do for them. 

I did something else very important on Friday.  I went to Jenny Craig.  I've been writing this blog for what, almost 2 years, and I've been back and forth with this 45 pounds.  I lose weight, I gain weight, I lose weight, I gain it back.  I'm a stress eater and I'm an emotional eater.  I'm working on it.  But, I finally came to the realization that I cannot do this on my own.  I talked to my doctor about surgical options, and she scared the hell out of me.  Seriously, some bad shit can happen to you when they start re-routing stomachs and intestines.  So, my other option was Jenny Craig. 

I didn't want to take that route because it's so expensive.  But I figure that it's about $80 - $100 a week for the food.  It's way expensive.  But, the meals are pre-portioned and I have my menu to follow.  It worked for me before and I lost 38 pounds in 3 months.  Here is my goal:

I have this lingerie, and without getting too personal, I've decided that I'm going to wear either the black one or the blue one on our wedding anniversary in April.  I need to get rid of this 45 pounds to do this.  Well, maybe closer to 35 pounds, but that is the goal that I set for myself.  I am not going to wear the blue swimsuit again next summer.  My promise to myself, I am going to donate that blue swimsuit to Goodwill and I will never wear it again.  I'd love to have the same exact suit, because it's way too cute, but in a much smaller size.

I start my Jenny Craig menu on Monday, I have typed up a resignation letter to deliver to my boss on Monday.  Monday will be a fresh start for me and finally, finally...my life will be going in a positive direction.  I have felt so lousy, emotionally, for so long...and today I started to feel better. 

Here's what I'm doing.  I'm taking the advice of my therapist.  I'm paying her to help me so I'm going to use her advice.  I've talked about this before.  God gave us free will.  I have free  to choose how people treat me, and it's my choice if I want to stay in a job that is tearing me apart emotionally or to leave it.  From this moment on, I will do everything I can to will myself into believing that I am making the right choice.  I will write it in my journal, I'll make a list and stick it on my bathroom mirror, I'll tell myself over and over and over again until my emotions finally catch up to what my brain is telling me.  That leaving this job is really what is best for my emotional well-being.

It's the right decision Tracy!
It's the right decision Tracy!
It's the right decision Tracy!

You will eventually feel better about it.  You may miss it at first, but you will be so much better off emotionally.  I haven't given my emotional well-being the attention it deserves.  I'm finally going to do that.  Eventually my emotions will catch up with what I'm willing myself to believe.  Makes sense to me.

Please, wish me luck!  Night all!