It's My Fault

It's my fault, I admit it.  It's always my fault.  I take responsibility for EVERYTHING!  I am responsible to a fault.....so my therapist says.

What does a person do to change the way that they have been for their entire life?  I take responsibility for things that I have absolutely no control over.  Didn't realize I was doing it, until now.  But knowing that I've been doing this for my entire life hasn't stopped me.

I've let people treat me like shit and I don't let them take responsibility for that.  I've done it with my own family.  I definitely did it when I was married to Paul.  That was on a daily basis I'm sure.  I do it with my kids, and I've discovered that I even do it when it comes to Scott.  I take responsibility for things that other people do, even when I have no say or choice in the matter.

What is wrong with me?  It's like I can't stop myself.  Over the years I have let someone say and do some pretty hurtful things.  I've always made excuses for this person.  I've told myself, "i'm being the bigger person" or "I'm taking the high road".  Well, that's just bullshit.  How ridiculous is it to think that I should be some kind of great person who always takes the high road.  I'm such a moron!

You see, it happened to me again yesterday.  I don't want to put any names out there because....well, I just don't.  This person was dishing out advice to me yesterday.  And it was hurtful advice that wasn't even  advice that I asked for.  It was mean and it was insulting and I just sat there and took it.  Why?

I don't know why.  In my mind I'm sitting there listening to this advice and I'm blaming myself for what was wrong.  You know, the thing I was getting advice on,.  I know, this is confusing. 

Now I'm sitting here tonight thinking to myself...you are a fucking idiot for listening to one word that came out of the mouth of this venomous person!  This person made me feel terrible.  Why did I let myself take responsibility for what this person was saying to me?

I'm so sick and tired of being responsible for everything.  I'm exhausted from taking responsibility for everything.  I can't keep up.  Here is it Sunday night, it's Johns birthday and yesterday was Jourdan's birthday.  I have four loads of laundry, clean, sitting in baskets in my room.  My house looks like a tornado went through it.  My floors are filty.  I just can't keep up.  Last night Scott and I were supposed to have a "date" but he was so tired, so he looked me in the eye and promised me he wouldn't be too tired for a Sunday night date.  Well, I got the kids around, took a shower and was in bed shortly afer 9:15pm.  Guess what, he had been asleep and you know what he said about being too tired for our "date".  That it was my fault.

My fault.

Everything comes back to being my fault.  My responsibility.  You know what I used to call it when I worked for Abdul?  Responsibility without authority.  I was responsible for EVERYTHING but I had no authority to get the help to make it all happen.  I was responsible for making sure the shifts were covered at work, but I didn't have the authority to fire someone who repeatedly no-called no-showed for work.  It was my responsibility to deal with it. 

Responsibility without authority.  It's been my life story. And I haven't held one single person responsible for their actions.  I've let people treat me like shit and I haven't held them responsible.  I let it happen yesterday, and I let it happen tonight with Scott. 

I don't really have a conclusion for this post yet.  It's a work in progress, and I'm sure a good topic for therapy on Tuesday.  I'm not sure why I do this to myself.  When you look at it from the outside, it's actually pretty fucking ridiculous!  Who am I to take responsibility for someone else's actions?  Yeah, big talker....you do!  I guess we'll have to just leave this one hanging for now.