Lord, Give Me The Strength

I am already in bed, I had my computer turned off and I was ready to lay here an watch tv as I doze off into dreamland. Then my stomach growled! For crying out loud! Ok, I've been holding out on you. I haven't wanted to talk about losing weight because every time I do I never follow through for more than a few days. Who knows, this time could be the same thing. (Wow, that's positive thinking at it's best.)

I'm just trying really hard to eat better and to get off my dead ass and do something. I worked out today for almost an hour. Yesterday I went to the gym with Janice and Hope to work out and it was alot of fun. See, Janice and I are in the same boat. We like food too much. I have to speak mostly for myself, I like food and that's what got me this extra 45 pounds that I need to lose.

So, here it is, the beginning of February 2009. I'm sitting here thinking the same thing that I did for alot of Februarys in my past......if I want to get this weight off before summer I need to work on it now. Now never happens...well it did many years ago when I lost a crap load of weight, but I haven't worked on it since then.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Janice called me and we had a long talk about the fact that we need to stop talking about eating healthier and exercising and start doing it. She has joined a gym that is pretty fantastic. I hope to get Scott over there to check it out because I think he'll like it too. In the meantime, I'm going to pull my head out of my ass and keep exercising here at home.

Have I lost weight? I don't know yet because I haven't weighed myself. I'm nervous to because I always make that mistake in the beginning.

So tonight, I'm fighting with being hungry. I was going to go to sleep but here I am. Lord, give me the strength to stay out of the kitchen tonight. I keep telling myself over and over something that I heard Nicole say on Days of Our Lives. She told Chloe, "you are in control of everything".

"I am in control of everything". "I am in control of everything". I am in control over what I put in my mouth. I am in control over how much exercise I do each day. I am in control of how I look. I am in control of everything!

I'm going to write that on a piece of paper and put it on my bathroom mirror along with a picture of myself. I know that Scott and the kids will give me a hard time, but I have to remind myself and have the photo staring me in the eye to stop myself from giving in to food cravings.

Scott and I have our 8th wedding anniversary coming up in April. My goal is to wear this black nightgown that I have NEVER worn for him. It's been hanging in my closet just waiting for me to lose 30 or 40 pounds! I even showed it to him, he's like "yeah, let's exercise" LOL. I mean really exercise so I can wear it. (Get your mind outta the gutter.)

Ok, I feel better now. I was laying here ten minutes ago thinking, "nobody will know if I eat some chips". I got out of bed, filled up my glass of ice water and stood there staring at a picture of myself with Jourdan that's on the fridge. It was taken October 2, 2000 and I was so thin. I wasn't skinny, I was average. To me....that was so thin and I looked so good and I was so happy with myself. I wasn't embarassed, I felt good, I had energy. I want that body back. So, no chips for me....I'll wait until morning and have coffee and oatmeal..yum!

I should have mentioned that I'm doing the Weight Watchers deal again. I'm not going to any meetings but I'm using their books and point system. I feel like i'm doing really good so far and I'm working out. Damn I'm sore tonight. It's a good thing. These muscles haven't been worked on in a long time. It's my goal to be able to join the gym with Janice, but it's not going to happen financially for a while. She's so motivating me though.

JANICE, my dear sweet friend. You motivated me so much and I'm so thankful.