Loving Every Minute Of It

I haven't posted for a few days, but it was on purpose.  I've been thinking alot about what I might want to post and about what happened with my sister last week.  I have to say, I really lost my temper.  I was extremely angry over what happened and I went through my Facebook friends list and deleted the ones who are mutual friends of Tina and I and follow my blog.  Then, I cleaned out a few more that don't rarely post.

It's Thursday night and it's been a really long week.  I had a $1200 repair on the Excursion, the Trans Am needs a $250 tire replaced, I need tires on my truck (for the bargain price of $775).  Just hasn't been a good week for auto's at our house.  A very expensive week!  Add to that, a sick kid.  John puked up snot.  Has your kid ever done that before.....do you know how gross that is?  Makes me gag just thinking about it.

Aside from all of that, I had a great day today.  I went to see Dr. Winters and we had a great session today.  I talked mostly about work and such.  Sometimes I leave there feeling.....for lack of a better word....yucky!  Most weeks I don't, but sometimes you just have that type of session.  Today, it was good.  She helped me put together some solid ideas on how to deal with some things going on in my life....family and money wise.

You know, that's what I LOVE about Dr. Winters.  Way back when I first left Paul I went to therapy for about 6 months.  I went week after week, spending $50 each visit and the woman didn't help me a damn bit.  Seriously, she sat and listened and took notes and didn't give me one positive thing to do to help myself feel better.  I got no advice.  I got no assignments.  I got nothing for all the money I spent.

I found the right doctor this time.  Thank goodness.  I might even begin to feel normal again....I'm getting closer.  :)

Sorry, I tend to get away from my original thoughts.  Oh well, it's my blog right.  We discussed this last time. 

So, I had my appt and I had my allergy shot.  Got my little sickling situated and I started putting together my toothfairy pillows.  I used to sell stuff on Ebay all the time, and I really did make a decent amount of money.  I also make really nice gun socks, and I sold a shit load of them a few years back.  I've done my research on Ebay to see what's available and what these items are selling for.  I'm sorry, but for the price, my stuff is so much nicer.  I'm actually quite crafty and creative.  Have I already said that in a post?  Either that or I just had a brain fart, lol.  Hold on...I think I have a picture of my toothfairy pillow....it's so cute.

Isn't that cute?  It's not as little as it looks.  And the little "toothfairy" is actually a pocket for the tooth to go in and then the toothfairy can leave some money in the pocket.  I'm going to sell them for $10...which is what the crappy ones on Ebay are selling for.

And like I said, I make gun socks and I also make rice bags....you know the ones with lavendar in them?  You put them in the microwave for a minute or two and you have something so much better than a heating pad.  Plus, because of the rice, it's a moist heat and the lavendar is used to naturally relax you.  John has one that has bucks on it, as in deer.  Sami had a Spongebob ricebag, until she puked all over it.  So, we'll be making her a new one shortly.

Our weekend project, to get the 8 gunsocks and 3 toothfairy pillows that are all cut out....sewed together.  And then listed on Ebay.  I was really shocked when I saw how amateur the current ones listed on Ebay are. 

Our friend Lisa owns a Salon in Ohio and I showed the pillow to her.  She LOVED it and told me I should put them in a salon here and sell them for $10.  I'm wondering if I can find a place to put them and then give them a percentage of what I sell.  Who knows, isn't this how small businesses start?  Isn't this how small ideas turn into big successes?

I'm not saying I'll be a millionaire by selling rice bags and toothfairy pillows, but you never know what the Universe has in store for you.  I don't know why, but I've had this urge to sew and I dragged all this stuff out today and worked on it all afternoon while doing laundry etc.  Sami went through my entire button tin and sorted about 5000 buttons out by color.  As you can see, my pillows have buttons sewed on the four corners.  She had fun too.  And Scott's the best, he made me a craft room downstairs so I have all kinds of countertop and tables and such.

I'm working on creating a boy toothfairy pillow.  A while back I bought a huge amount of fabric for boys and girls.  Oh, and it's flannel, so they are soft.  But I bought material for boy and girl pillows and the trim to go with the pillows.  Boys loose teeth too.  John is so excited to have one.  I have material with trees and bucks on it, material that is blue and white with monkey's on it.....way too cute.  And alot of other really cool material for pillows and rice bags.

Ok, I've rambled enough about my crafts.  It's just something that is very relaxing to me and it made for a great day to be able to hang out with Sami.  Seriously a stress reducer for me.  Like my blog. 

Well, I'm off to the TMAT facebook page to check out what I need to post for work.  Until we speak again, keep it real!

It's My Blog! If You Don't Like It You Can Go To Hell

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind” – Dr. Seuss



Very wise words by Dr. Seuss and passed on to me by my friend Beth.  I can always count on you Beth.  You've always got my back!  You're a great friend and I love ya!

Ok, I've decided to follow the advice that Beth gave me, and the advice of good ole Dr. Seuss!  I'm staying put.  And if I write something that someone doesn't like, well that's just too damn bad.  If you don't like my blog, don't read it.  Go back to your facebook page, or find another blog to follow....I really don't give a shit.  I've finally realized that I'm too old to change, I am who I am, and if you don't like it......I really don't care.

Huh, it only took 6 months of therapy for me to come to that conclusion.  It's funny because since the day I met Scott he has been a person who doesn't give a shit about what people think of him.  He's brutally honest, even when it hurts someone.  I shouldn't say he's that way with me, he sorta tip toes around me for obvious reasons.  However, he really doesn't care if a person likes him or not.  He is who he is.  Period!  

I've always told Scott that I admire that about him.  To not care what people think of you.  Do you know how much time I spend worrying about what people might think of me, might be saying about me, or might be mad at me?  I'd be embarassed to tell you.  I've discussed this quite a bit with Dr. Winters.  

Let's think about this.  Why do I care about what people think?  I'm not talking about my family, I'm talking about ramdom people in my life.  Why does it bother me if someone thinks I'm a bitch?  I get so absolutely insane about it that I turn bitch on Scott.  How the hell is that fair?  I get all bitchy with him and he's got to settle me down.  Not fair.

I love that Scott is not afraid to call someone on something they've said or something they've done.  I am NOT that way.  I will deliberately go out of my way to NOT hurt someone's feelings.  Not Scott.  If he has a quesiton about something, he will come right out and ask you.

My friend Kathie and her husband have been entertaining the idea of selling their house (north of Lowell) and moving into Lowell.  And he's bugging and bugging and bugging me to ask her why she's not interested in buying our house!  Well, I'm sorry, I'm just not that way.  But not Scott.  Last weekend, he comes right out and asks her why she isn't interested in buying our house?  For crying out loud!

Of course, I feel embarassed that he comes right out and asks her.  Here is opinion.  It's like buying a purse.  If you're a woman, you'll understand what I'm saying.  A purse is a very personal thing and every woman likes a certain kind of purse.  She might want one with a built in wallet, or a spot to hold her cell phone.  You can't buy a purse for another woman, because it's too personal.

The same thing goes for a house.  As women, we look for certain things in a house.  When I look at a house the first thing I look at is the kitchen.  Then, I want to see if there is a big dining room.  See, we spend alot of time in the kitchen as a family and even with our friends.  So we need a big kitchen.  And I like an eat in kitchen, it can also have a formal dining room, but I want room for a kitchen table somewhere open to the kitchen.

The next thing I look at is how big the master bedroom is and the bathrooms.  We have a large family and need more than one bathroom.  

I don't know what's most important, there are all these factors that need to come together for the house to be perfect for me.  I think we live in a great house right now.  It just isn't big enough for our family needs.  Honestly, I think the house would be perfect for Kathie and her family.  She has three kids and her parents are about a mile away and her Aunt, who is her daycare lady as well as mine, is only 2 blocks away.  

With that said, if Kathie and her husband don't feel like this is the right house for them, I am in no way offended.  Scott says he is, but thats just Scott being Scott.  I'm not offended because a house is a personal thing.  We've looked at probably 6 or 7 different houses over the last couple weeks and only 2 have really gotten my attention.  But both have offers pending, so I guess it wasn't the right time for us.  Honestly, I'd found my dream house and the price was well under what we planned on spending.  It was perfect.  It was 5 bedrooms and 5 or 6 bathrooms.  They were huge rooms, all of them and it was my dream house.  But we haven't sold ours and the bank is sitting on two separate offers from other people on my dream house.

Things happen for a reason.  I know that it is dangerous to be looking at houses when our house hasn't sold.  But, what if someone comes along tomorrow and wants to buy our house.  Stranger things have happened.  Then what, we start eliminating houses at that point?  

If we find a house we love, and it's meant to be, then we'll get the house of our dreams.  I told Scott today, things always work out for the two of us.  Somehow, they always work out.  Maybe not the way we anticipated, and definitely not as fast as we'd like things to happen, but somehow things always work out for us.  I'm not a super preachy religious type of person, but I believe that things happen for a reason.  I believe that God has a plan for us.  So right now, we're standing by to see what He has in store for us. 

We should never presume to think that the Universe is going to revolve around our personal time schedule.  lol  If I had it my way, our house would have sold within the first week of Dale listing it.  I think we have a great house and it's going to be perfect for a family who's looking to live in town, but not be able to see in your neighbors window (we have over double lot), we have a 3 stall pole barn on top of having a garage with a 3 season porch off the back, and a deck.  Our basement is finished with wood floors and a fireplace.

I know that this is going to be someones dream house.  I don't know when that is going to happen, but it will.  And I know I got off my topic here, sorry.  It's me trying to be positive and trying to put out positive vibes.  I don't want to alienate Kathie just because she isn't interested in buying our house.  It's ok with me.  I wish she was interested, but it's not the right house for her and I hope that she finds her dream house too.

So, if you want to run off and tattle to Kathie that I talked about her in my blog, you can go fuck yourself!  I'm done worrying about what someone is going to think about what I have to say.  Just wait, elections are just around the corner and I'm just itching to start talking about that.  I have to laugh because when I was scanning through my old posts, there were tons of political posts.  I LOVE talking politics!  I love to banter back and forth and prove my point.  Maybe I should have been a politician???  LOL.  I don't think I have it in me to be a suck up and a back stabber at the same time.

Until next time....as my beautiful friend Beth says....Peace to all.....

My Decision Is Unclear

I am still really pissed off about my blog and the fact that someone actually went out of their way to send my sister a facebook message, with my blog address on it, and had her read it....just to upset her.

It was no friend who did this.  I've eliminated several people from my friend list, and actually blocked a couple.  I think there is one more that I need to remove, just to be sure.  I hate to be that way, but my sister is unwilling to rat out whoever the bitch is.

What I don't understand is, I have given my blog address to my sister more than once.  After all this happened I went back through my posts, all 3 years worth, just to see if I had made a habit of slamming on my sister.  I admit that I had made comments about my family but I couldn't find anything I directly meant for my sister.  It's always been her and I against the rest of the family....if you know what I mean.

That's not to say we haven't had our bumps in the road.  There were times we didn't speak to each other for years.  Where did that get us?  Well, it hurt us and it hurt our kids. 

If someone was to ask me right this moment, who is the one person I can always count on?  My answer would be Scott.  Scott is the one I depend on the most, who knows me better than ANYONE else.  He knows everything about me, even the stuff I would be mortified to tell anyone else.  And he's my husband, who else would fit that bill? 

Second in line, is my sister.

You can see above that I changed the name of my post.  I didn't really like dieting mom in chaos.  I mean, it still applies and the web address hasn't changed, but I think the new title is more fitting of my life.  I thought about making a new blog and starting all over again.  The problem is that I've been writing for almost 3 years.  As I scrolled down through them last night and today, I saw alot of good memories, and some painful ones.  Do I really want to throw that away?  I don't know, I just haven't made up my mind yet.

I know that putting your feelings out there on a blog, anyone can read them.  The problem is that you can have a mutual friend who takes a vague blog post about vague facebook posts, fills in the blanks, and then hurts someone I care about.  What the fuck is that about?  I don't get it.

I'm done explaining myself.  I'm just as guilty about the vague post.  I was just thinking out loud and rambling on about vague posts I've read.  I wasn't picking on anyone in particular.  Period!

I feel like this has been great therapy for me.  I used to be able to say anything I wanted on my blog.  Now I have to worry about what I say because someone might read it and report to my family or friends.  Come on Beth, you and I have been doing this blog thing for a long time, tell me what to do.   I feel like it's ruined for me.  I even told my sister to go over to your blog and read a few posts......it's what lead me to my post.  And it wasn't even bad.  it was just random thoughts about something I've done myself.  It's bullshit.

So, that's where I'm at.  My sister even deleted me from her facebook friend list.  She sent me a message saying that she only read the one part, no more than that.  I wish she would read it.  She would find that I mostly talk about how hard it is for me to let Jason move out.  How much of a struggle I've had with my job.  You know I love to talk about my kids, and when I'm bickering with Scott.  When I was looking back, I even had a ton of political stuff.  Why would I care if she read that?

So what do I do....Beth, this is directed at you.  You always have the best advice for me.  I feel like I can no longer write what comes natural to me.  I have to worry about how people are going to interpret it, fill in their own blanks, and then end up hurting someone I care about.  Tell me what to do.

Gossiping Bitch

I want to thank the gossiping bitch who read my post called "The Vague Post" and then called my sister and told her that it was about her.  Thank you so much for adding extra stress that is already going on in her life.  She really needs to believe that her sister, who has tried to be most supportive, thinks that she is a self-serving bitch!

The worst part is that I know that it was one of my facebook "friends" because my sister posted a "vague post" not long ago that was similar to what I said in my blog. 

In reality, I was reading my friend Beth's blog and it got me to thinking about how people put these vague posts out there that nobody knows what the hell they are talking about.  I hate that.  I may even be guilty of it, but it was just a random topic I came up with after reading a friends Blog.

So....I know who I've invited to follow my blog.  I know who my friends are on Facebook.  To the gossiping bitch, you are NOT a friend because this was not directed at my sister.  There are many more people in my friend list who post vague posts than my sister does.  So FUCK YOU!  You don't need to read my blog anymore because I have lost the desire to share my thoughts on my blog anymore.

This is therapy for me, and you've ruined it.  You upset my sister and you hurt her by telling her that my post was directed at her, it was not.  I've already apologized to her, but you can go to hell!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON

Today is Jason's 18th birthday!  And, for purely selfish reasons I'm sitting here feeling so sad right now. 

I know that I shouldn't feel sad, today is a day for celebration!  Jason is so excited because he's old enough to vote in the upcoming election.  He's able to get his chauffer's license and will become a driver for TMAT.  That means more money, and that's good for him!

The reason I'm so sad is that he asked if it would be ok for him to spend the day downtown with his friends instead of doing cake and icecream.  Of course it's ok.  Duh!  I want him to be happy and I want him to spend his birthday with his friends, if that's what he wants to do.

I'm just being selfish, and after 17 years of birthday's together, I'm feeling sad that he's not at home with me.  But, I think that's how mom's are supposed to feel.  I'm slowly trying to get used to the fact that he is a young adult.  He'll be moving into a dorm at Aquinas in just a couple of months.  That'll be a HUGE change for me. 

I know it's a parent's job to raise their children to be self-sufficient contributing members of society, I get that.  Doesn't mean it's easy for me to let go.  He hasn't even moved out and I miss him terribly.  We don't see much of each other these days.

He came home a few minutes ago, in between these two paragraphs and we chatted in the kitchen.  His friends took him to Buffalo Wild Wings, and they had balloons and food for him.  Much more fun than sitting at home with mom and dad eating cake, lol.  He showed me all the cool stuff he got for his muzzle loader.  He got a scope, and all the stuff that you need to actually shoot something.  He's very excited about it.  So, I got my half hour and I feel much better.

Tomorrow we'll have cake and icecream and presents.  And, it'll all be good!

Another Great Fall Day In Michigan

I realized something today.  I don't know if it was the weather, or the kids, or whatever it was.  But I realized that I've been taking so much for granted lately.  I know, I know...I've written some pretty bitchy stuff lately.  Just putting it out there that my life has been shitty, oh woe is me.  Crap!

I had a great day out with my kids yesterday.  I didn't spend much, probably cost more for the gas in my truck than I spend on the pumpkins we bought.  But we had the best day.

We've had an odd year.  Here in Michigan we didn't have much of a spring, we almost went from winter straight to summer.  We didn't have the typical yucky snow melting phase where everything is ugly.  We had a very early spring and it was warm very early in the year.  Then, after a screaming hot summer, we've had a really warm fall.  We've had days in the last week that were as high as 77 degrees. 

Tomorrow is Jason's 18th birthday.  I'll never forget looking out my hospital room window and seeing it snowing the day I delivered him.  As a matter of fact, when I brought him home from the hospital on the 20th of October, the ground was white.  Yet, we've been in the 70's and that is really odd for Michigan.

I remember one year when I was a kid it was a particularly warm winter.  We were pretty young so we were really bummed over not having much snow for Christmas.  I know they do green for Christmas in the southern states, but I'm a Michigan girl...I want a while Christmas!  Anyhow, I remember that my parents took us to my Aunt's house here in Lowell for New Years Eve.  I remember being out in her front yard at midnight with no coat on, yelling "Happy New Year" at the cars driving by.  It was warm out, but I don't really remember any other years since then that were that warm.  Maybe it'll be that way this year.

Today started out like any other Sunday.  Scott was bugging me bright and early, mind you Sunday is the ONLY day I get to sleep past 6:30 am.  So, I was a little slow getting going.  He's an early riser, so by 8am he's been up for hours and is ready to go about his day.  Excuse me darlin, but it's a little to fucking early for all the sunshine and happiness bit.  Give me a fucking cup of coffee. 

That was my morning, lol.  Of course by then, Scott has had probably two pots of coffee on his own so he's wired and ready to rock-n-roll.  I'm still waking up and I tell him to back off.

Eventually I pull myself together and we decide we better get some groceries.  Seriously, no food in the house.   I have my diet meals so I'm in good shape, but the rest of the gang needs to eat.  And we go through probably 5 to 7 boxes of cereal a week.  I know what you're thinking Beth....holy shit....7 boxes?  Its' true.  4 kids and Scott all week long.  And I occassionally will eat a bowl of cereal if its on my menu.

So we were off to Meijer for groceries.  Fun Fun!!! But we survived and when we got back it was all good.

Kathie brought the kids over and we set them up at the table with the little pumpkins I was talking about last night.  You know the ones, they are a little bigger than softballs.  I gave them paint brushes and a plate with different color paints on them.  I had gotten online and looked for patterns so I drew them on the pumpkins for them and they painted.  They had so much fun. 

It was amazing that I had a second stress-free day with my kids.  I really enjoyed seeing their atristic creations on the pumpkins.  They are very proud of them.  I'm going to try to put up a picture....

These are all the little pumpkins that Jourdan, John, and Sami painted.  I have a glass bowl of really cool looking gourds and indian corn sitting behind Jourdan's pumpkin in the middle....and I think they did a fabulous job.  We did move two of them to the rails on the front porch. 

Speaking of front porch, I got two larger pumpkins that I painted and put on our front porch.  Then I put two of the smaller ones on the top of the rails.  I snapped a picture, but that was before I added the smaller ones.

I'm not a big Halloween decorator.  But, the kids were excited.  If you want to see some decorating, wait until Christmas.  I take everything off my shelves, I take down pictures off my wall, I even change my clock to a Christmas clock.  Snowmen are my thing.  And Scott has started me with a Christmas Village.  My favorite thing is the ice skaters.  It looks like a little town square and there is an iceskating rink in the middle.  It plays music and there are little street lights and there are skaters that glide across the ice.

I know, I know....I've already said Christmas was my favorite.  I can't wait for November to get here so I can start getting my stuff out.  I went downstairs to the storage room tonight looking for something in one of the boxes and realized I have about 20 totes of Christmas stuff.  I think it might be time to sort through some of this stuff this year.

Anyhow, we had a great day.  The kids had alot of fun painting their pumpkins.  It was a little cooler today and Sami has had a snotty nose so we took her new bike down to the family room.  She's been riding it around the family room and my craft room all day, and loving every minute of it.....until she wiped out.  She's still getting the hang of it.  By next summer, she'll be a pro!  I'll post some photo's I just downloaded on my facebook page.  Too open here.

Well Jason just got home and I need to go have a chat with him.  Tomorrow he turns 18.  He's going to Secretary of state for his Chauffers license to be a driver for Two Men And A Truck.  My goodness he loves that job!  He's so excited to become a driver, and more money too.  It's a win-win for him.  I have to go see what his schedule is for tomorrow.  Hopefully he'll be around for some cake and icecream to share with his mom, who misses him so much it hurts.

And stay tuned for tomorrow.  I have an idea on how to make some extra money for Christmas and I need your opinion.  I'll fill you in on it tomorrow evening.  Till then, sweet dreams!

Our Beautiful Fall Day

Samantha had a GREAT 3rd birthday yesterday.  The first thing she wanted to do this morning was go outside and ride her bike.  It was like 40 degrees outside.  For crying out loud Sami!  Anyhow, she had a great day.

We had a very eventful day today as well.  We had "mom and kid day".  I guess you could call it that.  Scott worked, as usual.  Jason worked too.  He always works on Saturdays, but that's ok.  It's when he gets his hours in.

So, Kathie came over with Aiden and Lauren, Jourdan and her friend Noel, John and Sami...we all piled into the Excursion and went to Burger King for lunch.  That was expensive with all the kids.  I spent over $30!  Totall ridiculous for Burger King food, that's why I hate going to eat there.  Mc Donalds isn't much better!

Sorry, got off track.  We went to lunch and then tried to decide where we wanted to go for pumpkins.  We've tried different places over the years, Tina told us to go out south of town to Heidi's because they have a corn maze.  But I drive by there twice a day when I work and the pumpkins look a little small and they are .25 cents a pound.  That could add up when you're talking about pumpkins for four kids, plus Scott.  Can't forget him, he's into pumpkin carving. lol

Scott happened to be on his way home from work and he said we should go to Poulson's on M-44 in Belding.  We've been by there a million times and it's a family farm that has a huge stand set up selling fruit and veggies throughout the spring, summer, and fall seasons.  I figured they would be way expensive, but we decided to check it out anyhow.  There were two other stands on the way there so if Poulson's was too expensive we could go someplace else.

So, we pull into this farm and they had pumpkins that had to be 100 pounds, they were fucking HUGE!  I've never seen pumpkins as big as these.  I was completely impressed.  They were selling apples, peppers, and many other goodies.  They also had gourds of all shapes and sizes, indian corn, and squash.  Then they had these huge crates full of pumpkins that were .25 a piece, a little bigger were 3/$1.00, and then they had rows and rows of pumpkins that were .50 cents up to $6.00 each.  So, I was very impressed with the prices.

You know the little pumkins you see that are a little bigger than softballs and are painted with cute faces on them?  Well, they had several crates of these and they were 3/$1.00.  So I bought 9 of them so the kids could paint them and set them around the house.  John picked out a bunch of gourds that are dark green, orange, yellow, blue, etc to fill my big glass bowl.  I usually have cinnamon pine cones in it and it sits on top of the cupboard with other stuff.  I removed the pine cones and Jourdan made an arrangement with the gourds and the indian corn.  I have a bay window in my kitchen and that is the proud new place for our festive fall bowl.

So the kids picked out their pumpkins, all big ones of course.  I bought 2 extra $1 pumpkins to paint and put in my planters on the front porch.  The flowers are dead now and the front of the house looks dreadful.  We don't usually do much decorating for halloween, Christmas is my thing.  But this stuff was cheap and the kids were so excited.So,

You may not know this about me, but I'm a really crafty person.  My highschool art teacher seriously wanted me to attend Kendall Art School in Grand Rapids when I graduated.   My parents wanted me to go to Davenport University for Accounting and Business Mgt.  Guess who won? 

Anyhow, I have a creative flair and I'm pretty good when it comes to painting etc.  So, we'll paint these smaller pumpkins and decorate the house that way.  A week from now, we'll carve the bigger pumpkins.  I don't want them to rot and two weeks is too long to have them carved.  Plus, it's been downright warm here.

So, we paid for the pumpkins and loaded them into the back of my truck and I saw a tractor pull up with this huge trailor behind it full of straw.  (yes straw, even though they called it a "hay" ride).  We had the kids in the truck and buckled in, but I ran over to the counter and asked the lady how much for the hay ride.  She tells me it's free.  No shit?  Nothing is free these days, but I did just spend $28 on pumpkins!

So we all pile out again and we get into the trailor and take a half hour or so hay ride.  The kids totally loved it.  I thought about bringing my camera but thought, how silly for buying pumpkins.  Duh!  I took a great picture with my phone, but I don't have email.  So, I sent it to Kathie and she'll email it to me and then I'll post it. 

We discovered this family farm has an orchard, they grow grapes, they grow every type of vegetable you can think of, and they have miles and miles of pumpkins of every size.  It was the coolest thing.  We went down this little hill, then back up and over the top of a hill and there were little orange pumpkins covering the ground.  Behind that were woods filled with trees that had orange, red, and yellow leaves.  The sun was shining and it was the most beautiful fall picture. 

It's been a long time since I have felt stress free.  But today, for a while, I did feel stress free.  Sami sat in my lap under a blanket and didn't even speak a word because she was just amazed by everything she saw.  The kids kept saying, "mom, look at that".  We decided that it was probably deer heaven in the evening with all the pumpkins and vegetables that were there. 

It was a warm and sunny day and the kids had a great time.  The mom's did too.  I haven't had such a nice day in a really long time and I'm so glad that Kathie and I took Scott's advice.

Tomorrow, we'll paint our pumpkins.  I got online and copied and pasted a bunch of cute pumpkin faces to give us ideas on how to paint them.  They are very excited!  They wanted to paint them right away, but Scott and I had a dinner date.  So I'll be posting photo's of the kids artwork....hopefully tomorrow.  :)

A Pretty Great Week

I know I haven't been really dependable when it comes to writing on my blog.  Believe me, I would LOVE to write every single day.  It honestly does help me because it's like a journey.  A journey to getting some feelings out there that are bothering me, and sometimes it's in sharing good news.

Alot of changes have been happening the last few weeks for me.  I'd gotten a second job.  Seriously, I had prayed alot about this because I was beginning to feel that TMAT was not the right place for me.  For reasons I don't really want to get into here, I was beginning to feel like I needed to move on to another job.

Don't get me wrong, from a customer service standpoint, you can't find a company that strives to exceed the expectations of each of our customers.  Our movers and management staff bend over backwards to make sure our customers are happy.

With that said, there were a few things happening within the office that were causing me a great deal of stress.  I was having daily tension headaches and some pretty severe anxiety attacks.  So, I was looking for a new job....you all know that.  I didn't want to take meds and I ended up with some therapy.

I was having some seriously bad few months.  It was like I needed to make a decision on what to do about work, and about wanting to lose weight, and about trying to get my head together and stop these anxiety attacks from popping up at any given time.  If you've ever had one, you'll know how scary they can be.  I had started waking up in the middle of the night having anxiety attacks.

Well, my friend Beth talks alot about signs from the Universe.   Remember me saying that I am not  intuitive enough to see these "signs"?  Well duh!  Wouldn't anxiety attacks and tension headaches be a sign.  I'm sure there are other things if I really analyzed it...however...I've been working two jobs for over a month and I don't have time to even do housework and laundry.  When am I going to be able to spend any time looking for "signs".  Right?

Well, that was just stupid.  I've actually not been to therapy for two weeks and won't go back until next week.  So, I've had to do this on my own.  I tried to look at the pro's and cons of each of my jobs and determine my level of stress for each.  And then I tried to determine how much control I might have over the issues that were creating the stress.

With me so far?

I know, you're probably thinking I'm just whining and you're sick of hearing about it.  I think I have some valid reasons for feeling particularly yucky inside.

Jason graduated from high school and started attending Grand Rapids Community College.  Well, just into his first term there he's decided to switch to a private college.  He applied, recieved alot of scholarship money because of his good grades in high school, and will be starting at Aquinas in January for the second term of the 2010/2011 school year.  Know what that means for me?  He'll be living on campus in a dorm, with his friend.  Do you know how much that freaks me out?  Jason is a very mature young man and in a week he will be 18.  I know he's ready to go out on his own and start taking care of himself.

But, I'm scared.  We've talked about this before.  Right now, I always know where he is and every night he is tucked into his own bed downstairs by midnight.  Not knowing that he is safe will be the worst.  I don't want to drive him crazy once he's moved out, but the bottom line is....I'm going to miss him like crazy.

Jason and I have these great mom/son talks.  We'll sit for hours just talking about work, or about school, and many other things.  When he's not being a cranky teenager, we really enjoy spending time talking to each other.  Alot of times, he will call me when he gets out of work and we'll talk on the phone until he gets home.  I know, I always bitch at him and tell him not to talk on the phone....but sometimes, it's late and he's had a really bad day, and he says that talking to me on his way home helps him calm down and cheer up.

I love my son, and I want him to succeed.  I just never dreamed that the time would go by so damn fast.  One minute they are 10 years old and the next they are moving into a dorm at college.  I'm going to miss him so much, I can't even begin to describe the heartache I feel over him moving out.  But, I'm not doing that to him.  I'm being supportive and I'm asking him what he's going to need so I can help him prepare.  I'm going to be a fucking basket-case when he first moves to campus but I know that he's going to suceed because he's a smart kid and I've done a good job raising him.  (That's what I keep telling myself, and I pray that I can hold on to that when he actually does move.)

Wow, I got way off track here.  Let me get back to my week.

Last Thursday I had a screaming match in my office with my boss that lasted about 45 minutes.  Over the weekend I typed up a resignation letter and was prepared to deliver it on Monday.  Well, Monday didn't turn out as I expected.  Jourdan had been threatened, by text, by a student that she was going to get her boyfriends gun, find Jourdan at school and kill her.

So, you can imagine how well that went over with me.  I went to the head of security at the High school and spent an hour and a half there dealing with that mess.  I mean, these are Freshman girls.  The school did handle it and make sure there was NO gun.  They also contacted the girls mother and she had some serious punishment from the whole ordeal. 

Anyhow, that threw off my whole Monday.  You've got to understand, the second job I took, I hated it.  I hated it like I can't even describe.  I would sit there for hours with nothing to do.  Have you ever sat at a desk with NOTHING to do, but had to try to look busy?  9 hours felt like 17 hours and I just didn't like the software or how the whole payroll deal was set up.  Plus, each week I got nasty emails from the owner telling me I'd made mistakes.

First of all, I've done payroll for like...10 years.  I know how to do payroll.  I know all about payroll taxes, annual returns, etc etc etc.  I think my torture was that I felt like my only option was to leave TMAT and start working full-time for the job I hated.  This is a really shitty place to be.

So, I finally got to the TMAT office on Monday and the minute my boss walked in, I went into his office and closed the door.  I told him I'd had time to think about our conversation on Thursday and I wanted to expand on some thoughts.  Things were much better.  We spent about 45 minutes talking and he honestly wanted to know what was so stressful for me.  Well, favoritism is the one thing that creates alot of stress for me.  It's rampant through our office.  And I'm sorry, but there is one person in our office.....if she doesn't like you (I mean movers) she has influence with her husband....who does the scheduling.  Eventually, the mover she doesnt like is pushed out.

There are other things that I dont' need to discuss here.

After working Monday and Tuesday for ProStaff I decided that it wasn't working for me.  One of the owners agreed and we parted ways.  It was actually a relief for me.  I hated taking Sami to daycare for the extra day.  I really really hated it, and she was missing me so much.  So, I'm back to just one job and I'm trying to deal with it from a different perspective.  We'll see how that works.

Once I made the decision I felt better.  I promised Scott that I would not come home crabby this week, and I kept my promise.  I came home tired as hell, but not cranky. 

Plus, and this is a big one, I went to Jenny Craig a week ago and started the Jenny craig diet on Monday.  As of yesterday I have lost 8 1/2 pounds.  I realize this is probably alot of water weight, but the scale is going down and by eating alot less, and alot healthier you can't tell me some of it is actual weight.  I have been walking every single night.  Most nights, Scott goes with me.  West Michigan is having the best fall.  It's been slightly cool, yet sunny.  So, it's perfect to walk in shorts and a sweatshirt. 

So I didn't walk today, but I went on a field trip with John today to the Wittenback Center.  We spent 2 1/2 hours hiking throught the woods....I felt like that counted as at least my 1 mile walk.

So, lots of positive things happening this week.....and tomorrow I turn 41 years old.  There is no blue swimsuit in my future for next summer.  I'm pledging that right here and now, no more blue swimsuit for next summer.  I do however, have some really sexy lingerie that I intend to wear for our anniversary in April.  I need to lose....oh 45 total pounds....That will put me into a good weight range for my height and build.  I feel like i'm on my way.

I've had so many negative weeks lately, I finally feel like I had a positive wee this week.  It felt good.  I hope that I have many more in my future.  I hope that is also true for my friends out there who are dealing with personal struggles.  I'm keeping them in my prayers, and I keep reminding myself that God has a plan for me.  If something doens't work out it's because He has something else planned for me.  So far, it's keeping me from getting too upset about things.  It's keeping me positive.

Night all.

A New Beginning: Again

First of all, I'm a moron.  I'll just get that right out there.  It was NOT the season finale for The Glades....that episode is this Sunday.  Durr!

Ok, so I'm willing myself out of my funk.  I'm taking the advice of my therapist and ignoring all of those icky feelings of sadness and pain over leaving a job that I totally LOVE!  Why would I do such a thing?  Well, because my employer is cheating several employees out of pay increases that they are due.  When I brought it to his attention, I was screamed at for 45 minutes in my office.

I love my job.  You know, I should clarify that.  I love the actual work I do at my job.  I have an important job at TMAT and alot of people depend on me.  I have probably 40 or 50 different responsibilities that I need to take care of throughout the month and it's totally my comfort zone.  THAT'S WHERE THE HAPPINESS ENDS! 

There is so much drama and stress and unhappiness within our office and moving staff.  After two years, I have discovered that my anxiety attacks and tension headaches are much worse the days that I am at the office.  So, I've made a decision.  I've been thinking about leaving this job for months, but stepping outside of my comfort zone is not something that I even wanted to entertain.  But after the mental and verbal beating I took in my office last Thursday.....well, that was enough for me. 

I've NEVER been yelled at by an employer.  He made me cry.  Oh, I didn't want to cry.  He was firing off questions left and right and all I could do is sit at my desk and try to breathe....very slowly...because if I tried to talk I was going to break.  That's how I handle happiness, sadness, stress, emotional moments.  I am a crier.  I did not want to give my boss the satisfaction, and I got to the end and he was about to leave my office.  But he kept pressing me to talk to him, and when I did I couldnt' help myself.  I'm very disappointed in myself for letting some tears come out.  They were angry tears.  He knows this about my personality and I don't think he was going to leave my office until he brought me to tears.

At any rate, I have made the decision to leave my job.  I have another job waiting.  I've actually been working two jobs for nearly a month and it's been really hard on my family.  It's the same pay and the people at the new place are FANTASTIC.  It's a real family environment.  I'm very thrilled to have the chance to work for the new office.  I'm sure once I am completely trained, I will feel more comfortable and I won't miss my TMAT job so much.

It was so bad on Thursday that I wrote a resignation letter, that I was going to deliver to my boss's office on Saturday.  And leave without notice.  But, that is not the right thing to do and I'm better than that.  I have invested over two years with this business and from day one, I loved the work I do there.  Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get through not being there anymore and knowing that someone else will be in my office doing my work.  Like I said, the work I love, the environment....not so much.

So, I'm going to go to work on Monday and I'm going to give my notice.  I have alot of personal items in my office that I want to bring home so I couldn't just not show up anymore.  I have my very own office there with pictures, and personal items, paperwork that is mine, notes, my coffee cup, etc.

I'm actually very sad about leaving.  I didn't sleep for shit last night.  I wasn't able to meet with my therapist this week so I've really had to rely on Scott for his help.  He's been very supportive and I became so desperate that I emailed my therapist.  After several email exchanges, she reinforced that I was making the right decision.  The environment at this office is toxic and I am trying to make myself feel better.  It won't happen working for TMAT. 

If you know me, you know that I'm not a particularly religious person.  However, I feel that God has a plan for all of us and that thing happen for a reason.  Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have taken this second job and I would have been content to just stay right at my other dysfunctional job for many more years.  I don't even remember applying for this new job, but they had my resume.  So, when one door is closing, another has opened for me.  My new boss even offered me a new cell phone this week.  They are very nice people and I hope that they are happy with the work I do for them. 

I did something else very important on Friday.  I went to Jenny Craig.  I've been writing this blog for what, almost 2 years, and I've been back and forth with this 45 pounds.  I lose weight, I gain weight, I lose weight, I gain it back.  I'm a stress eater and I'm an emotional eater.  I'm working on it.  But, I finally came to the realization that I cannot do this on my own.  I talked to my doctor about surgical options, and she scared the hell out of me.  Seriously, some bad shit can happen to you when they start re-routing stomachs and intestines.  So, my other option was Jenny Craig. 

I didn't want to take that route because it's so expensive.  But I figure that it's about $80 - $100 a week for the food.  It's way expensive.  But, the meals are pre-portioned and I have my menu to follow.  It worked for me before and I lost 38 pounds in 3 months.  Here is my goal:

I have this lingerie, and without getting too personal, I've decided that I'm going to wear either the black one or the blue one on our wedding anniversary in April.  I need to get rid of this 45 pounds to do this.  Well, maybe closer to 35 pounds, but that is the goal that I set for myself.  I am not going to wear the blue swimsuit again next summer.  My promise to myself, I am going to donate that blue swimsuit to Goodwill and I will never wear it again.  I'd love to have the same exact suit, because it's way too cute, but in a much smaller size.

I start my Jenny Craig menu on Monday, I have typed up a resignation letter to deliver to my boss on Monday.  Monday will be a fresh start for me and finally, finally...my life will be going in a positive direction.  I have felt so lousy, emotionally, for so long...and today I started to feel better. 

Here's what I'm doing.  I'm taking the advice of my therapist.  I'm paying her to help me so I'm going to use her advice.  I've talked about this before.  God gave us free will.  I have free  to choose how people treat me, and it's my choice if I want to stay in a job that is tearing me apart emotionally or to leave it.  From this moment on, I will do everything I can to will myself into believing that I am making the right choice.  I will write it in my journal, I'll make a list and stick it on my bathroom mirror, I'll tell myself over and over and over again until my emotions finally catch up to what my brain is telling me.  That leaving this job is really what is best for my emotional well-being.

It's the right decision Tracy!
It's the right decision Tracy!
It's the right decision Tracy!

You will eventually feel better about it.  You may miss it at first, but you will be so much better off emotionally.  I haven't given my emotional well-being the attention it deserves.  I'm finally going to do that.  Eventually my emotions will catch up with what I'm willing myself to believe.  Makes sense to me.

Please, wish me luck!  Night all!