It's my fault, I admit it. It's always my fault. I take responsibility for EVERYTHING! I am responsible to a fault.....so my therapist says.
What does a person do to change the way that they have been for their entire life? I take responsibility for things that I have absolutely no control over. Didn't realize I was doing it, until now. But knowing that I've been doing this for my entire life hasn't stopped me.
I've let people treat me like shit and I don't let them take responsibility for that. I've done it with my own family. I definitely did it when I was married to Paul. That was on a daily basis I'm sure. I do it with my kids, and I've discovered that I even do it when it comes to Scott. I take responsibility for things that other people do, even when I have no say or choice in the matter.
What is wrong with me? It's like I can't stop myself. Over the years I have let someone say and do some pretty hurtful things. I've always made excuses for this person. I've told myself, "i'm being the bigger person" or "I'm taking the high road". Well, that's just bullshit. How ridiculous is it to think that I should be some kind of great person who always takes the high road. I'm such a moron!
You see, it happened to me again yesterday. I don't want to put any names out there because....well, I just don't. This person was dishing out advice to me yesterday. And it was hurtful advice that wasn't even advice that I asked for. It was mean and it was insulting and I just sat there and took it. Why?
I don't know why. In my mind I'm sitting there listening to this advice and I'm blaming myself for what was wrong. You know, the thing I was getting advice on,. I know, this is confusing.
Now I'm sitting here tonight thinking to myself...you are a fucking idiot for listening to one word that came out of the mouth of this venomous person! This person made me feel terrible. Why did I let myself take responsibility for what this person was saying to me?
I'm so sick and tired of being responsible for everything. I'm exhausted from taking responsibility for everything. I can't keep up. Here is it Sunday night, it's Johns birthday and yesterday was Jourdan's birthday. I have four loads of laundry, clean, sitting in baskets in my room. My house looks like a tornado went through it. My floors are filty. I just can't keep up. Last night Scott and I were supposed to have a "date" but he was so tired, so he looked me in the eye and promised me he wouldn't be too tired for a Sunday night date. Well, I got the kids around, took a shower and was in bed shortly afer 9:15pm. Guess what, he had been asleep and you know what he said about being too tired for our "date". That it was my fault.
My fault.
Everything comes back to being my fault. My responsibility. You know what I used to call it when I worked for Abdul? Responsibility without authority. I was responsible for EVERYTHING but I had no authority to get the help to make it all happen. I was responsible for making sure the shifts were covered at work, but I didn't have the authority to fire someone who repeatedly no-called no-showed for work. It was my responsibility to deal with it.
Responsibility without authority. It's been my life story. And I haven't held one single person responsible for their actions. I've let people treat me like shit and I haven't held them responsible. I let it happen yesterday, and I let it happen tonight with Scott.
I don't really have a conclusion for this post yet. It's a work in progress, and I'm sure a good topic for therapy on Tuesday. I'm not sure why I do this to myself. When you look at it from the outside, it's actually pretty fucking ridiculous! Who am I to take responsibility for someone else's actions? Yeah, big talker....you do! I guess we'll have to just leave this one hanging for now.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
My True Love
I haven't been here in a month to post anything. Are you kidding me Tracy, this is your therapy. What the hell is going on? A lot can happen in a month. Scott and I took our trip to Montana, and it totally sucked. Scott had convinced me that this week long trip was going to be a magical, romantic, fun-fiiled week without any kids. Sight-seeing, eating out, shopping......and SEX!
Well, I'm actually surprised that we aren't in the midst of a divorce after this blissful trip to Montana. I have to admit, most of the problem was me. I'm an adult and I can take responsibility for the mistakes I make. I admit it, I was a bitch while we were on this trip. I let Scott talk me into going, when I really didn't want to. I knew for months that this was not really a vacation trip, but a trip to look at property that we may buy and move to in just a couple of years. This was no vacation, it was reality smacking me right in the face.
Scott has talked about moving to Montana since I was pregnant with John. I've known for over 7 years that he wants to live in Montana and somehow I have gotten my way, so far, and been able to live where I want to live. The trip to Montana, meeting a realtor, talking to a mortgage lender in Missoula.....all of the sudden it was real. A move to Montana could really be happening in my future. It wasn't some far off move that Scott and I talked about, it was real and it was happening very soon.
Well, you know that I've been going to therapy because I've been having anxiety attacks. I used to have them when I was a kid. I remember them like it was yesterday and they scared me. I think as a teenager they went away for a while and didn't resurface until Paul and I were having problems. They weren't extremely severe at that point and I had learned how to recognize when they were coming on. I knew how to pull myself out of it and that worked for a while.
I had a few anxiety attacks pop up here and there in my twenties, but then I hit 30. I had lost weight and for the first time in my life I felt really good about the way I looked. I had confidence, I was happy with myself. I was divorced and I really wanted to find someone. I missed being in a relationship. I dated a little bit, but it had been four years since Paul and I divorced. Then I met Scott.
I was thinking about this a little bit ago because a friend of mine lost his wife a year ago to liver and kidney failure. I went to school with Dee since we were in grade school. Anyhow, they were highschool sweethearts, they married and Dee passed away last year. He had posted a question on facebook asking if we thought a person could only have ONE true love in their lifetime? There were all kinds of comments, some said yes only one, some said no you could have more than one. Things were getting a little dicey near the bottom of the postings.
Of course, I put my two cents worth in. The day I met Scott, it was love at first sight. I honestly believe that because when I first laid eyes on him I fell in love. I know that sounds stupid, but when I met him I knew that he was the one. I just knew it. Sorry, I know I'm way off track here from talking about our trip, but sometimes thats how things flow. I added my own comment that said that God gives us an unlimited supply of love to give and recieve. I honestly believe that. I mean, is there some magic number of people that you love and then God say's, "nope, you've got your allotted number of loved ones, you can't love anyone else"? No, it doesn't work that way. So I'm wondering if my friend Scott thinks that his wife was his "one true love" and that he won't find that again?
My opinion is this, I don't think there is ONE TRUE love. I think there is true love. Scott and I have true love. The kind of love that makes my heart litterally ache when I look at him sleeping next to me. The kind of true love that makes my heart pound when I see his number on my caller id when he's just calling to see how my day is going. The kind of true love that is there for me, every single day, good and bad. It's true love.
I loved other men during my life. At that time I thought that I was in love and I thought I wanted a life with them so yes, you can have more than one love. The greatest thing is when you find true love. Maybe there is someone out there that I could share true love with. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to look for anyone else and I don't want to find anyone else. I want to spend every minute of the rest of my life loving Scott. It's true love!
So, to go back to my trip to Montana with Scott. I was so miserable. We fought the entire time. We fought so bad that Scott told me he wanted a divorce. I actually walked out on him at the hotel. Broken ankle and all, hobbling down the road in Missoula at night, I walked out of the hotel. I walked several blocks to a little park next to the river and sat there on a bench for a couple of hours. I could have slept right there. I could have laid right down and closed my eyes and never got up again at the thought of not being with Scott.
I prayed. I asked God to tell me what to do. And it started to get really windy. I mean, it was blowing like crazy and it was starting to scare me. Then, it started to sprinkle. Ok, I'm not sitting here in the dark, next to the walkway under the bridge, in the dark, in a storm. I hobble back to the hotel and I open the door, and you know what he's doing? He's laying on the bed and had just taken a shower.
I could have ripped his heart right out of his chest for not coming after me or even being worried. Well, I don't know if that is true, but I do know that I asked for God to tell me what to do and I think he was telling me. I slept in the chair in our hotel room and in the morning we made up.
I was incredibly cranky and moody and emotional from the moment we arrived in Missoula. I'm not saying that Scott didn't contribute. He was really being an asshole, but I also know that I provoked him. So, I'll take 75% of the blame.
To tell you the truth, I knew the entire time that we wouldn't end up splitting up. Scott and I will grow old together and have a happy life together. We have bumps in the road, some of them are really big right now but we'll survive.
Leading up to the trip, probably the two months prior to the trip and even during the trip I was having anxiety attacks several times a day. When we got back from Montana and I got to my counseling appt that next Tuesday it was the full topic of conversation. Dr. Winters is helping me to see where these anxiety attacks are coming from. Oh, they are coming at me from many different directions. The one I want to talk about tonight, is the anxiety I'm having over moving away from Michigan.
I know, it's crazy because I hate Michigan. I'm not kidding you. I hate living in Michigan. The taxes are so fucking expensive, the economy sucks, I'm not getting paid what I'm worth at a job that I actually love, but thats beside the point. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. I don't have a good relationship with one of my sisters, but Tina and I are good.
What the hell is holding me here? The thought of pulling up and leaving here sends me into a complete paralyzing anxiety attack. I don't want to make new friends, I have Kathie, and that's all I need. I don't want my kids to have to start all over. I want them to have roots. I have roots here, however dysfunctional, I have them. I want them for my kids. Dr. Winters told me that I've always been able to be honest with Scott about everything and he's always been understanding and supportive. I need to tell him this.
I don't know that I'll always feel this way, but right now, I just don't know that I can see myself every being able to go. Jason is starting college next week and I know that if we were to move he wouldn't go. If we had gone 4 years ago before he started hight school, I think that would have been different. But look at what he would have missed out on? His dream of playing for a State Championship football team. His dream came true, and I knew it could with going to Lowell.
At this point, Jason is going to start building a life of his own. I imagine he'll live here for his freshman year of college but I dont' see it going beyond that. And there is no way, NO WAY, that I could ever move away from Michigan and leave any of my children behind. I can't physically do it and just typing it right now is making me cry and start to shake.
After my appointment, Scott always calls me while I'm driving to work and asks how my appt went. I told him that we'd discussed our Montana trip and the issues we had. I told him we needed to talk about it in person later on. When we got into bed that night I told him that I didn't know if I could ever move to Montana. At this very point in my life, I don't know if I'll ever be able to move away. Not saying that I'll always feel that way, but right now, that's how I feel.
Well, he was mad. We went back and forth a couple times and he rolled over and went to sleep. I had to take an anxiety pill to sleep. I knew he was mad, but I know my husband and I knew that he just needed some time to think about it. I'd just told him that his lifelong dream of buying land in Montana and moving out there might never happen...pretty tough to choke down.
The next morning I got up and went to work, as usual. In the afternoon my cell phone rang and it was Scott. I told him I was surprised because I didnt' know if he'd even want to talk to me. He told me that he'd been thinking about it and the reason he hates living in Michigan so badly is mostly because of where we live. We live in town and it sucks, it really does. He told me that if we could get our house sold and move into the country where we could have some room, a pole barn, and he wants to hunt. He also wants an in-ground pool. Well that perked my ears right up....a pool is my dream! He said if we could do that, he feels like he could be happy here.
This is how I know that Scott is my true love. He listened to me, without getting too mad. He thought about what I said and the alternative....us not being together. And he spent the day trying to figure out how we could both be happy. Doesn't mean we won't own property in Montana someday, but for now, we are focusing on selling our house and buying a house in the country where we can put in a pool! This is true love, I have no doubt. It's compromise and I know we'll buy property in Missoula someday. But for now, while our kids are young, we've made this compromise and I love Scott for wanting me to be happy.
I know we piss each other off sometimes, but we always come back together and work things out. He's my best friend and I can tell him anything. That's what I was trying to tell my friend Scott. You can find love more than once. There is no limit on the number of people you can love. It'll be at different levels. But you can find true love, even if you've experienced love before. God has a plan for each of us, and sometimes we wonder what He's thinking up there. But things happen for a reason, I believe that with all my heart.
When Scott and I bicker, it just makes us stronger. I'm still working on my anxiety attacks. I still have some issues to work through, but I'm making progress. I was meant to be with Scott, I believe that with all my heart. Regardless of where I was in my life for the 30 years before I met him, I was meant to spend the rest of my life with him. That, is true love!
Well, I'm actually surprised that we aren't in the midst of a divorce after this blissful trip to Montana. I have to admit, most of the problem was me. I'm an adult and I can take responsibility for the mistakes I make. I admit it, I was a bitch while we were on this trip. I let Scott talk me into going, when I really didn't want to. I knew for months that this was not really a vacation trip, but a trip to look at property that we may buy and move to in just a couple of years. This was no vacation, it was reality smacking me right in the face.
Scott has talked about moving to Montana since I was pregnant with John. I've known for over 7 years that he wants to live in Montana and somehow I have gotten my way, so far, and been able to live where I want to live. The trip to Montana, meeting a realtor, talking to a mortgage lender in Missoula.....all of the sudden it was real. A move to Montana could really be happening in my future. It wasn't some far off move that Scott and I talked about, it was real and it was happening very soon.
Well, you know that I've been going to therapy because I've been having anxiety attacks. I used to have them when I was a kid. I remember them like it was yesterday and they scared me. I think as a teenager they went away for a while and didn't resurface until Paul and I were having problems. They weren't extremely severe at that point and I had learned how to recognize when they were coming on. I knew how to pull myself out of it and that worked for a while.
I had a few anxiety attacks pop up here and there in my twenties, but then I hit 30. I had lost weight and for the first time in my life I felt really good about the way I looked. I had confidence, I was happy with myself. I was divorced and I really wanted to find someone. I missed being in a relationship. I dated a little bit, but it had been four years since Paul and I divorced. Then I met Scott.
I was thinking about this a little bit ago because a friend of mine lost his wife a year ago to liver and kidney failure. I went to school with Dee since we were in grade school. Anyhow, they were highschool sweethearts, they married and Dee passed away last year. He had posted a question on facebook asking if we thought a person could only have ONE true love in their lifetime? There were all kinds of comments, some said yes only one, some said no you could have more than one. Things were getting a little dicey near the bottom of the postings.
Of course, I put my two cents worth in. The day I met Scott, it was love at first sight. I honestly believe that because when I first laid eyes on him I fell in love. I know that sounds stupid, but when I met him I knew that he was the one. I just knew it. Sorry, I know I'm way off track here from talking about our trip, but sometimes thats how things flow. I added my own comment that said that God gives us an unlimited supply of love to give and recieve. I honestly believe that. I mean, is there some magic number of people that you love and then God say's, "nope, you've got your allotted number of loved ones, you can't love anyone else"? No, it doesn't work that way. So I'm wondering if my friend Scott thinks that his wife was his "one true love" and that he won't find that again?
My opinion is this, I don't think there is ONE TRUE love. I think there is true love. Scott and I have true love. The kind of love that makes my heart litterally ache when I look at him sleeping next to me. The kind of true love that makes my heart pound when I see his number on my caller id when he's just calling to see how my day is going. The kind of true love that is there for me, every single day, good and bad. It's true love.
I loved other men during my life. At that time I thought that I was in love and I thought I wanted a life with them so yes, you can have more than one love. The greatest thing is when you find true love. Maybe there is someone out there that I could share true love with. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to look for anyone else and I don't want to find anyone else. I want to spend every minute of the rest of my life loving Scott. It's true love!
So, to go back to my trip to Montana with Scott. I was so miserable. We fought the entire time. We fought so bad that Scott told me he wanted a divorce. I actually walked out on him at the hotel. Broken ankle and all, hobbling down the road in Missoula at night, I walked out of the hotel. I walked several blocks to a little park next to the river and sat there on a bench for a couple of hours. I could have slept right there. I could have laid right down and closed my eyes and never got up again at the thought of not being with Scott.
I prayed. I asked God to tell me what to do. And it started to get really windy. I mean, it was blowing like crazy and it was starting to scare me. Then, it started to sprinkle. Ok, I'm not sitting here in the dark, next to the walkway under the bridge, in the dark, in a storm. I hobble back to the hotel and I open the door, and you know what he's doing? He's laying on the bed and had just taken a shower.
I could have ripped his heart right out of his chest for not coming after me or even being worried. Well, I don't know if that is true, but I do know that I asked for God to tell me what to do and I think he was telling me. I slept in the chair in our hotel room and in the morning we made up.
I was incredibly cranky and moody and emotional from the moment we arrived in Missoula. I'm not saying that Scott didn't contribute. He was really being an asshole, but I also know that I provoked him. So, I'll take 75% of the blame.
To tell you the truth, I knew the entire time that we wouldn't end up splitting up. Scott and I will grow old together and have a happy life together. We have bumps in the road, some of them are really big right now but we'll survive.
Leading up to the trip, probably the two months prior to the trip and even during the trip I was having anxiety attacks several times a day. When we got back from Montana and I got to my counseling appt that next Tuesday it was the full topic of conversation. Dr. Winters is helping me to see where these anxiety attacks are coming from. Oh, they are coming at me from many different directions. The one I want to talk about tonight, is the anxiety I'm having over moving away from Michigan.
I know, it's crazy because I hate Michigan. I'm not kidding you. I hate living in Michigan. The taxes are so fucking expensive, the economy sucks, I'm not getting paid what I'm worth at a job that I actually love, but thats beside the point. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. I don't have a good relationship with one of my sisters, but Tina and I are good.
What the hell is holding me here? The thought of pulling up and leaving here sends me into a complete paralyzing anxiety attack. I don't want to make new friends, I have Kathie, and that's all I need. I don't want my kids to have to start all over. I want them to have roots. I have roots here, however dysfunctional, I have them. I want them for my kids. Dr. Winters told me that I've always been able to be honest with Scott about everything and he's always been understanding and supportive. I need to tell him this.
I don't know that I'll always feel this way, but right now, I just don't know that I can see myself every being able to go. Jason is starting college next week and I know that if we were to move he wouldn't go. If we had gone 4 years ago before he started hight school, I think that would have been different. But look at what he would have missed out on? His dream of playing for a State Championship football team. His dream came true, and I knew it could with going to Lowell.
At this point, Jason is going to start building a life of his own. I imagine he'll live here for his freshman year of college but I dont' see it going beyond that. And there is no way, NO WAY, that I could ever move away from Michigan and leave any of my children behind. I can't physically do it and just typing it right now is making me cry and start to shake.
After my appointment, Scott always calls me while I'm driving to work and asks how my appt went. I told him that we'd discussed our Montana trip and the issues we had. I told him we needed to talk about it in person later on. When we got into bed that night I told him that I didn't know if I could ever move to Montana. At this very point in my life, I don't know if I'll ever be able to move away. Not saying that I'll always feel that way, but right now, that's how I feel.
Well, he was mad. We went back and forth a couple times and he rolled over and went to sleep. I had to take an anxiety pill to sleep. I knew he was mad, but I know my husband and I knew that he just needed some time to think about it. I'd just told him that his lifelong dream of buying land in Montana and moving out there might never happen...pretty tough to choke down.
The next morning I got up and went to work, as usual. In the afternoon my cell phone rang and it was Scott. I told him I was surprised because I didnt' know if he'd even want to talk to me. He told me that he'd been thinking about it and the reason he hates living in Michigan so badly is mostly because of where we live. We live in town and it sucks, it really does. He told me that if we could get our house sold and move into the country where we could have some room, a pole barn, and he wants to hunt. He also wants an in-ground pool. Well that perked my ears right up....a pool is my dream! He said if we could do that, he feels like he could be happy here.
This is how I know that Scott is my true love. He listened to me, without getting too mad. He thought about what I said and the alternative....us not being together. And he spent the day trying to figure out how we could both be happy. Doesn't mean we won't own property in Montana someday, but for now, we are focusing on selling our house and buying a house in the country where we can put in a pool! This is true love, I have no doubt. It's compromise and I know we'll buy property in Missoula someday. But for now, while our kids are young, we've made this compromise and I love Scott for wanting me to be happy.
I know we piss each other off sometimes, but we always come back together and work things out. He's my best friend and I can tell him anything. That's what I was trying to tell my friend Scott. You can find love more than once. There is no limit on the number of people you can love. It'll be at different levels. But you can find true love, even if you've experienced love before. God has a plan for each of us, and sometimes we wonder what He's thinking up there. But things happen for a reason, I believe that with all my heart.
When Scott and I bicker, it just makes us stronger. I'm still working on my anxiety attacks. I still have some issues to work through, but I'm making progress. I was meant to be with Scott, I believe that with all my heart. Regardless of where I was in my life for the 30 years before I met him, I was meant to spend the rest of my life with him. That, is true love!
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