I have diabetes! I have diabetes! I. Have. Diabetes.
If you saw me across the street or at the mall you'd never know that I was so sick on the inside. It's so frustrating to look in the mirror and think that I have so much going on inside of me. I feel normal. I don't feel like my liver enzymes are high or that I'm having weird numbers on my blood work for my pancreas. I don't feel like my kidneys are kicking out sugar. I just want to eat what I want to eat and keep doing what I've been doing since January....and keep losing weight. I have 15 or 20 pounds to go!
I think I would have an easier time making the changes in my life if I felt this HUGE change for the better. Sounds reasonable right? Last December I went to see my doctor because I was feeling like hell. I was tired, exhausted like I cannot even begin to describe. I remember thinking that I could barely function enough to clean my house, grocery shop, and run my kids all over the countryside. It wasn't the kind of tired where I slept all the time, because I wasn't sleeping. I had to take medication at night to be able to sleep. It was the feeling of having zero energy and I was faced with all the tasks of being a housewife and mom. It was incredibly frustrating.
It was the beginning of my journey, to find out that I was in fact sick. Honestly, I thought I had a thyroid issue. I know it can be hereditary and my Grandma was on medication most of her adult life for thyroid problems. But my thyroid was just inside of normal....so that didn't answer my question. My thoughts went on to my blood pressure. It was high and my pulse at rest was well over 100. That needed to drop 20 points....so more medication! I was told that my sugar was a little high so I had to come back in 3 months for more blood work.
I started walking and working out, and eventually went on to Zumba. I started losing weight but I still felt like crap. I just had no energy and generally didn't feel good.
Here we are 7 months later and I now know that the problem was diabetes. So back to my earlier thoughts....about making a huge change in my life....after 8 months of feeling like crap I think it became normal for me. Being tired, not feeling good, not sleeping....it became my normal. How is a person supposed to make these big changes to their lifestyle when the feeling of ick has become normal?
I started out on an oral medication but my numbers were still nearly 400. So you know, normal numbers would be: fasting/first thing in the morning my glucose number should be 70-110. When I test my blood right before a meal it should be 70-120 and 2 hours after I eat it should be 70-160. So, 300 or even 400 aren't good! As a matter of fact when you start getting into those 400 numbers you put yourself at higher risk for stroke or heart attack.
Hello! That's not a good enough reason to get your shit together?
My doctor set me up with Diabetes classes through our hospital. It's 6 weeks long and it really has helped me to know what my numbers should be, how I should be eating, and to understand how serious diabetes is. (So why am I all of the sudden craving an ice cold can of Coke?) The RN running the class got me onto Byetta, which is lowering my blood sugar. I'm at least running in the high 100's to low 200's. Much better than I was...it's dropped 150 to 200 points so I'm getting to a safer level. If I could get my eating right, I'd be in target.
But that goes back to my original problem. I feel like shit, but it's become so normal to me that I don't feel like I'm sick. What will one hershey bar do to me? I'll worry about the diabetes tomorrow because I can't feel my pancreas, liver, and kidneys shouting at me. We got a meal plan flyer to follow from the diabetes class. It's not a specific diet, but a list of foods, their carbs translated into a point system, and a plan for each days carb limits. I can look up any food and determine the number of points to count toward my carbs for that snack or meal. There are free foods that don't count, but it's a constant checking and measuring type of thing that I don't like. It's probably why I've never really been very successful at dieting. I can't stand all the work to prepare meals and such....even worse I have to do this at the grocery store. I have to check my charts before I buy something because I don't know if I can have it. Ugh!
So I'm sitting here wondering how I can make this big lifestyle change with my food. I've lost weight because I've cut back. That doesn't mean that I have avoided sugar. Well, since I was diagnosed with diabetes I've really tried to avoid it. I'm not sure how I can force myself to be more careful with the food when I'm not feeling like it will make a difference. Oh, the nurse in the diabetes class expained it all and scared me...terribly. Some really terrible stuff can happen to you if you ignore your diabetes. I just don't know why I'm being so stubborn about it.
Maybe I've forgotten what it feels like to feel good. I've been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks. People ask me if I'm feeling better now that I'm taking medication and giving myself 2 shots a day? No, not really. I think that I would if I could get my eating squared away. I'm not eating alot, the shot I take makes me feel full very quickly. I think the bread is my downfall. I could live on bread. It's hard for me to give up. How am I going to give up bread.....and pasta?
So, that's my dilema. I don't know what the answer is yet. I'm working on it. I keep trying to scare myself into submission....not working yet. My husband isn't really being supportive on this either. I think he is doing what I described above, I don't look sick on the outside so he doesn't understand how lousy I feel. Well, that's a whole other topic for a whole other day.
I've just started reading the "Fifty Shades" books. I'm on book 2 and I'm curious to get back to Mr. Grey and Miss Steele...so until next time...
